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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring 'trouble' his way?

54 replies

youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 08:38

I've ranted a few times on here about ds dad, he recently told me he is not interested in being a dad as he is now shacked up with a 38 year old women and his kids, FYI ds dad is 18! she has him under the thumb won't let him out her sight but his happy with that, helps her with her younger kids, decorates for them both etc so his said his just to busy to be is ds life, this is just the most recently of problems this arsehole has caused, i am not in contact with him at all, but i'm so raged and upset his done this to me and ds, he plays football it's his job i know where he plays and pretty sure can find out when so i am so tempted to go there and just express to him how angry i am and just show all his team mates and friends who go there what he is really like, ( they think the sun shines out his arse) only problem with this is his 'girlfriend' will be there to fight his corner and i don't want to fight i just want to tell him face to face as he hides behind text just want him to feel small for once and try let this anger go, but i think i am just being immature and should let it go? AIBU to want to do this to him?

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:04

No, the money isn't taken from your benefits. It used to be, but it isn't anymore, for various reasons (not for this thread).

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:11

Arse. Lost an important post there. Will try again in a bit.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:18

The CSA cannot refuse to assess a father, even if the assessment will result in a nil award, even if the father is only 14, because a current nil assessment is the Mother's protection against loss of future maintenance in the event of a change of circumstance in the Father's financial situation.

If there is a nil assessment in place, and the OP finds out that her ex is earning money in the future, any maintenance due will be backdated to the date his circumstances changed.

If there is NO assessment on the father due to the CSA refusing to assess, for whatever reason, and the OP finds out that her ex is earning money in the future, any maintenance due will only be backdated to the date that the OP contacts the CSA and tells them her ex is earning.

If that takes a few months, then all the maintenance that should be due for those months won't be collected from her ex.

It is the OP's protection against loss of future maintenance, and she should INSIST on an assessment being carried out, and the award being sent to her IN WRITING, as that is for her protection.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:20

This is why I still have a current assessment for DS1's father, protection against loss of future maintenance.

crisisofidentity · 11/08/2012 10:23

What lucyellensmum says.
Don't bother with maintenance, I think if he doesn't want to pay, that's it. Ds will find out what his father is like from this. I know its hard on benefits but It will make you more resourceful to get your own money for ds.

TheMonster · 11/08/2012 10:24

It sounds like a messy situation, but good on you for wanting to continue your education.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:26

The more people that don't bother chasing for maintenance and at least attempting to make their DC's Father's be at least financially responsible for their DC, the more it is perpetuated in Society that a man can father children without concern for how they will support those children.

solidgoldbrass · 11/08/2012 10:28

Yup, go back to the CSA but don't try to force a confrontation with him or attempt to contact him directly in any way. You will end up humiliated; there is no way to do anything like this without making yourself look like a spiteful bitch, and a man as selfish and childish as him will probably make sure that any such confrontation is as hurtful to you as possible.

WoodlandHills · 11/08/2012 11:29

Good on you OP for doing your a levels and continuing your education. I hope you get good results next week. You sound like a very bright young woman, I am sure one day you will meet someone who will love you and your DS and be a real dad to him, but in the meantime, get your head down and carry on with uni etc, show that loser you don't need him! And as I said, and others have said, do not confront this twat because it will just make you look bad. (I know thats unfair but it will) And keep plugging away with the CSA. Good luck x

AmberLeaf · 11/08/2012 11:56

Couthmow speaks sense re the CSA and maintenance.

What a gutting situation you are in. I can only imagine how hurt and angry you feel but what everyone is saying is right you will only make yourself look bad if you confront him.

Rise above it and keep your dignity.

Keep being a good mum and plan for you and your sons future without his dad. You don't need anyone in your life who doesn't want to be there.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 12:00

I think there are two separate issues here

One is the maintenance issue and the other is the fact he's helping to raise someone else's children instead of his own child.

The money issue will be sorted eventually but be careful what you wish for regarding the latter.

Would you be any happier if he was spending his contact time with his child, this woman who you don't really know, and her kids too?

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 12:01

And OP - nothing wrong with being a younger mum, I had my first child, DD, when I was 16. I am now 31, and she is 14. I definitely had more energy to run around after DD when she was a toddler than I do now with my fourth child, DS3, who is 18 months right now.

Am really feeling the sleepless nights and unending energy levels of a toddler this time round!

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 12:09

Definitely ignore and keep your dignity. My DD's father showed no interest, emotionally OR financially until she was 12yo. She then decided she wanted to get to know her father, and despite my reservations, I found him and contacted him through fb.

He came here for a week with his family the August after she turned 12, then ever since has kept up phone contact twice weekly. She was driven to their's for a week last summer holidays when she was 13, then she flew up at Easter this year for a week, just after she turned 14, and is due to fly back from theirs on Monday having spent almost a fortnight there. (Trip was shortened so DD could attend her best friend's funeral).

The moral of my story is that even the crappiest of fathers, who didn't pay a penny and never saw their child for over a decade can eventually come good.

He now pays regular maintenance too, not one payment missed since it started in September last year. I still have to pinch myself on maintenance day!

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 12:13

I think the best thing I ever did for my DD was to point blank refuse to bad mouth her father, and to give a very gentle explanation of why she didn't have a 'daddy' like other children.

It has enabled her to eventually build a relationship with her father without there being too much hurt there for her to do so.

Not saying it was easy to do, there were many times when DD wasn't about that I would rant and rave about him being a useless prick to my friends, but I will be forever glad that I didn't project MY feelings onto my DD, as she now has her father in her life, a frankly WONDERFUL stepmum, and two younger brothers too.

Sallyingforth · 11/08/2012 12:17

The more people that don't bother chasing for maintenance and at least attempting to make their DC's Father's be at least financially responsible for their DC, the more it is perpetuated in Society that a man can father children without concern for how they will support those children.

YES! The CSA is there for a purpose - to get absent fathers to pay for their own children's upkeep. It is absolutely wrong that the cost should fall entirely on state benefits that are provided by taxpayers who ARE being responsible and maintaining their own families.

neverquitesure · 11/08/2012 12:47

"now ds does he seems to think it's his daddy his only 19 months so i can't tell him his now but he runs to him crying daddy and he also rejects him as it's not his son"

This is really sad. Poor you and poor DS. He will understand better as he gets older but in the meantime it might be worth looking for a book or making up a story about children who don't have a Daddy so he knows this is normal for some children. Also as others have said you are still young and in a few years you will quite probably have found someone worthy of the two of you and, with your son being so young, there is every chance he may get the Daddy he wants.

Lucyellensmum99 · 11/08/2012 12:54

I dont want to get into benefit bashing on here sallying but who is to say that everyone who doesn't persue maintenance ends up on benefits??

AmberLeaf · 11/08/2012 13:09

Again Couthmow speaks sense! 100% agree about not badmouthing you sons dad however hard to resist it may be!

Sparks1 · 11/08/2012 13:35

YES! The CSA is there for a purpose - to get absent fathers to pay for their own children's upkeep. It is absolutely wrong that the cost should fall entirely on state benefits that are provided by taxpayers who ARE being responsible and maintaining their own families

Absent PARENTS!!!!

Sallyingforth · 11/08/2012 13:37

but who is to say that everyone who doesn't persue maintenance ends up on benefits?
I didn't actually say that everyone does Lucy, and I personally know many who don't because they work to keep themselves and their children.

But there are also many mothers like the OP who are following education or looking for work and who really need those benefits. In the present climate of limited public finance it's only right that available benefits are not used to subsidise feckless absent fathers.

Original poster
youngmummy17 · 11/08/2012 16:08

I am really confused on the whole CSA thing, £5 a week is not enough to bring a child up, but i wouldn't complain if i did eventually get it for DS, i just want to be able to tell DS yes your father did take some responsibility by regular payments, his dad wasn't all bad before he was born and i don't want him to think he is bad just based on how me and my family view him.
Think the best thing to do is just get on with things and focus on me and ds, even if it means biting my tongue!

OP posts:
joannajo12 · 11/08/2012 16:27

he is 18, he is just a baby himself!

move on with your child. One day he will grow up and see what he has missed, maybe

bloodyfurious · 11/08/2012 16:35

You need to move on - I know it's hard but he is totally uninterested

WilsonFrickett · 11/08/2012 16:35

joanna he's not a baby, he's an adult and the father of a child. I suspect that what's particularly galling to the OP is that he seems to be perfectly happy to be playing an adult role with his girlfriend's kids too.

OP, go back to the CSA again. Print out everything Couthy has said here too.

Sparks1 · 11/08/2012 16:36

If there is a nil assessment in place, and the OP finds out that her ex is earning money in the future, any maintenance due will be backdated to the date his circumstances changed

I'm afraid to say this is incorrect.

The CSA work on a system of "effective" dates. Each assessment is the effective date so any change in circumstance will only be considered from the time a re-assessment takes place.

An NRP cannot backdate any discounts likewise. If you believe your ex partner is earning more you need to request a reassessment. This will set a new effective date. Any arrears and change in circumstance will only be payable from that new date.