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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about Christmas (sorry)

70 replies

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 14:27

DH is an only child and his mother is a single lady, she seemed to just devote her entire life to DH (he is an only child) and never showed much interest in anything outside of him.

She always comes to stay at Christmas and she makes it awkward and I'd really like to enjoy time as a family - AIBU to ask him to ask her if we can go to my parents' this year?

OP posts:
LulaPalooza · 04/08/2012 14:32

YABU to think about it this early! We haven't even had summer yet

YANBU to suggest it but why don't you compromise and suggest DMIL comes with you to your DP's house?

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 14:33

I think its very sad to think of her on her own.

Can she not go with you to your parents? always room for one more!

missymoomoomee · 04/08/2012 14:34

YABU in the fact you feel you should have to ask her if its ok. If you don't want her to come maybe compromise on every 2nd year or something. Why should your day be dictated by someone else. I assume she has friends or other family she can share the day with. Good luck to you though its a tricky one.

Dprince · 04/08/2012 14:35

Since it would be Christmas, the season of goodwill and all, I would invite her to your parents.
Its not very nice to want her to spend Christmas alone.

AKMD · 04/08/2012 14:36

Yes YABU, why do you need her permission to stay with your family? Confused Her choice to make a martyr of herself is not your responsibility and if she chooses to be a pain as well then it's not your problem either.

iloveACK · 04/08/2012 14:36

Could she not go to your parents also? Seems particularly mean if she's alone to not invite her along.

StuntGirl · 04/08/2012 14:38

Depends, does she have anyone else at all to spend Christmas Day with if she's not with you? Could she come with you to your parents if not? Alternating between the two seems the sensible solution anyway.

CrispyCod · 04/08/2012 14:39

Perhaps now that DH is older with his own family it would be an idea if he could encourage her to join some groups and widen her circle of friends. This could offer more social opportunities to her.

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 14:39

Do you all live fairly local to each other?

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 14:41

it all depends.

does she have other close family members that she will be able to spend christmas with? if she does, then YANBU. if she doesn't then i think it would be really awful to think about leaving her alone at christmas & you should see if it is possible for her to join you at her parents, or maybe have your parents come to you for christmas as well as you MIL.

i better get thinking about my own christmas plans, it's our first one this year in a proper house and we will be hosting christmas, but with divorced parents and inlaws who are very different to my side of the family and a BIL who is a nice person but comes across very rude to those that don't know him, i can see it being tricky.

Mintyy · 04/08/2012 14:41

PUT IT IN THE CHRISTMAS TOPIC!

lauratheexplorer · 04/08/2012 14:42

If it's okay with your parents it would be nice to invite her along. I'd hate to think of anyone alone at Christmas.

nickelbarapasaurus · 04/08/2012 14:51

I agree with Jumping - if she's not got any other relatives/friends that she can spend christmas with, you should all go to your parents.

Gumby · 04/08/2012 14:54

Invite them all to yours

BackforGood · 04/08/2012 14:57

YABU to ask her for permission to go to your parents! Shock.

YA N BU to spend alternate years at your parents though. It's not your fault she's chosen to "devote her life" to your dh, tbh. She needn't be alone anyway, even if she really hasn't any other family or friends, she could either attend, or help out at a Community Christmas project, and have fabulous company all day.

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 14:57

She hasn't got any other relatives she could spend the day with. DH is her only child.

He moved away from her (to live with me and I wanted to live near my parents) - I didn't mean to make it sound like I was asking her permission but she would be alone if it wasn't for us.

OP posts:
shesariver · 04/08/2012 15:03

He moved away from her (to live with me and I wanted to live near my parents)

What if he wanted to live near his Mum, or does only yours count?

missymoomoomee · 04/08/2012 15:06

Its unfair of her to assume that she should come to yours EVERY xmas though. Its your day too, why should you spend it feeling awkward and not doing what you want. Where its not nice too think of her on her own at xmas, as it stands now she isn't making any other arrangements as it sounds like she just expects to be at your house. If you tell her soon it will give her plenty of time to make other arrangements.

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 15:09

if she has nobody else to spend the day with then you are being awful. you live near you parents? so why can't they come to you as well as MIL?

i love my child more than life, but this is why you should always keep yourself busy and have a life outside of your child. whether male or female they grow up & have families of their own, if you have nobody else apart from your kids then this type of thing is likely to happen. not your problem that she is this way, but she raised and devoted her life to her son, so he has some responsibility to her.

how would you feel if you only end up having one child, and this happens to you?

McHappyPants2012 · 04/08/2012 15:10

Why does it make you feel awkward.

missymoomoomee · 04/08/2012 15:12

In all honesty peppermint I would wait to be invited to spend xmas with my child I wouldn't assume I was going. Even more so if they have a family of their own. It is a bit selfish IMO.

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 15:15

i see your point OP, i know it must be annoying, but i would ask you to empathise with her, she has made the crazy decision to devote her life to her child and must be pretty lonely now that he has moved to be with you.

what happened last year and the year before? was it just you, MIL and DH for christmas?

MissPants · 04/08/2012 15:21

I can sympathise with the feeling awkward in your own home thing, but in all honesty I don't think I could ever exclude someone whose alternative was being alone at Christmas. No matter how much my MIL irritates me sometimes, I love her dearly and couldn't ever hurt her like that. My entire day would be ruined thinking of her sitting alone Sad

She's happily married thankfully but if the day ever comes that DH and I are relied on for sole Christmas custody of granny then I think I can cope. Sorry but I think YABU a little bit.

BackforGood · 04/08/2012 15:34

But surely that's her lifestyle choice ?
I have children, who, when they become adults I expect to live their own lives. Yes, I like to think that will include me on some occasions, but equally I fully expect at least 1/2 Christmases to be spent with their future in-laws. I certainly wouldn't be all alone because of this, because, although I love being their Mum, that's only a part of who I am, and I am not reliant on them to be feeling sorry for me and entertaining me each Christmas. As I said above, if the MiL really doesn't have any friends then she could take part in a Community Christmas, but if she doesn't have any friends, then maybe she should take a look at the way she is living her life over all, not just over Christmas.

mynewpassion · 04/08/2012 15:41

You don't even live near her. You probably see more of your family than see her.

YABU.

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