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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about Christmas (sorry)

70 replies

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 14:27

DH is an only child and his mother is a single lady, she seemed to just devote her entire life to DH (he is an only child) and never showed much interest in anything outside of him.

She always comes to stay at Christmas and she makes it awkward and I'd really like to enjoy time as a family - AIBU to ask him to ask her if we can go to my parents' this year?

OP posts:
Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 15:46

Oh she has got friends but I know she wouldn't want to spend Christmas with them because they will be with their husbands and families. She's a bit paranoid about people pitying her Grin

I've probably given the wrong impression of her. She always worked and she had a very good job, but when I say she devoted her life, I mean she never remarried or had another relationship so DH is all she has, family wise.

I feel bad now, she is a lovely lady but she's quite fussy - she used to be a primary school headmistress and she has that "yes ma'am!" effect on everybody!

We moved to be near to my parents after we had the DCs because the area is just so much cheaper. We couldn't afford a family house where DH grew up with 3 DCs.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/08/2012 16:00

Unless she is a particularly heinous beast, and I suspect she's really not considering what you've said so far, I think you'd be a bit cruel to leave her alone if there's another option.

How many times do you see her a year? And how many time do you see your parents?

Frankly, I don't think I could enjoy Christmas if I knew my choice had meant someone else was alone. I'd invite her to your parents. One more won't make much of a difference, surely?

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 16:01

you haven't said OP, how you usually spend christmas? is it just you, DH, DC's and MIL?

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 16:03

Peppermint, yes generally. We only have a 2 bedroomed house though hoping to move soon, so the DCs have to camp out in the lounge when she's here. We do see my parents on the day itself though.

The thing is that she comes for around ten days which is a looong time in a small house :)

OP posts:
iloveACK · 04/08/2012 16:12

Could you not arrange that she only comes for a couple of days then? I agree that 10 days is a long time but to let her spend Christmas alone does seem mean - simply reduce the length of the visit.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 16:17

I couldn't leave her on her own at Christmas.

How old is she?

Could you invite her for a couple of nights at Christmas and invite your parents over for the day? I know it would be busy but you'd be in control in your own house. Maybe your mum could invite her over to hers for a few hours, too.

TidyDancer · 04/08/2012 16:17

So if you see your parents on Christmas Day anyway, is this about not wanting to see MIL at all?

10 days is a long time though, maybe four at the most would be a bit more realistic.

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 16:21

Yeah, I think I'd be happier with just a few days. It's hard to explain (and I know I was BU in my first post.) She adores the DCs but I think they feel awkward with her and she with them as they don't see much of one another.

OP posts:
LulaPalooza · 04/08/2012 16:25

So, instead of just 10 long days at Xmas, can't you make time during the year to see her, so that she can see your DCs and bond with them better?

TidyDancer · 04/08/2012 16:28

I just get the overwhelming impression that you don't want your MIL there at all, so you aren't really looking for a solution to suit everyone.

PeppermintLatte · 04/08/2012 16:32

10 days Shock oh god, no.

i love my mum dearly and i love my MIL, but i couldn't tolerate either of them for 10 days.

OP, firstly you need to figure out a way to have her over for just a few days, but you also need to try and make sure (well your DH does) that you see her at other times in the year, if she and the kids are awkward around eachother then they probably don't see enough of eachother to have a natural relationship.

completely agree with Imperial Blether looks like it will have to be christmas day for all of you at your house.

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 16:34

Lulu, we do see her throughout the year but even then it's around once every six weeks or so and the DCs are young and forget. They haven't got the same relationship with her as with my parents, who they see most days.

I do feel it's partly 'her' who makes things awkward. I'm not suggesting she's a bad person, she isn't, but she is quite prim and unapproachable in some ways and this makes things awkward, so I never feel I can chill out over Christmas.

OP posts:
pictish · 04/08/2012 16:36

10 days??!! Oh God no. I'd not have my best friend in the world stay for 10 days!!

Right. This lady has made her choices in life, and she must accept alternating years with your parents.

My mum was in the same boat. After she and my dad split, she never did take up with anyone else...and my brother and I were all she had from that pov, although she had lots of friends. My brother doesn't give a fuck about Christmas, is single, and would spend it with his mates or whatever, so really the whole christmas gig was mine and mine alone - I had the grandkids and all that jazz.
Anyway - my mum totally went with alternate years, as we would alternate between her and dh's mum at christmas. She didn't mind at all.

That's the answer. It's the best way and the fairest way.

pictish · 04/08/2012 16:45

Oh - and it must be reduced to 5 days at most. Alternating years.
I'd only grant 3 days myself, but maybe you are a more willing host than I.

Come on - getting your mil for 10 days every Christmas?!
No. Just no. I simply could not. And I really like my mil.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 04/08/2012 16:51

What if he wanted to live near his Mum, or does only yours count?

In all fairness shesariver if it mattered that much to him or his mum she could relocate to where the OP and her DH now live. It's quite easy for a single woman with no family to relocate, after all.

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 16:52

OK - compromise - invite her and your parents, so you are spending Christmas with both, invite your parents for the whole day so MIL isn't just the only one there.

Then, could you have arrangements for 27th and say to her that she's welcome to come down on 23rd/24th until Boxing day or the morning of 27th, but you have to be X place by lunchtime. That means you then get the rest of your Christmas period to yourself.

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 16:55

Desperately - her house is on the market! Grin

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 04/08/2012 17:03

I wasn't having a go at you melon, I just dislike it when people make snippy remarks about moving a DS away from his DM... I'm probably oversensitive because that's exactly what I did Grin

CrapBag · 04/08/2012 17:06

YABU in that you want to ASK her. Tell DH that this year you would like to spend xmas day with your parents for a change.

She has choosen to devote her life to her only child, why should that be a burden on your shoulders now. I also don't see why you should feel obliged to invite her to your families xmas. I wouldn't invite DH's family to my family's house at xmas.

Compromise and have her over boxing day maybe?

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 17:06

Im going a bit randomly O/T for a mo.

Ok I get some family dynamics are odd very different to mine and DHs.

We are family-centric. When we had our parents (all now dead) DH and I predicted some Motherly jousting for top dog position IYSWIM. So it was up to me to put my foot down right at the beginning. Three households. One does Christmas, one does Boxing Day, One does NY Day, then rotate the following year. That worked well, they all got along. The unmarried siblings would join in.

I got that idea from Dbro and his then GF, who used the same tactics with my mum, her mum, her sister (so they must have thrown in a midweek dinner special!)

Always enough people to ensure a good mix, we didnt seem to have any peculiar people Grin or mad eccentrics that had to be taken care of, or sherry sipping old aunts in a corner.

Of an evening, we even used to lug in any neighbours that were handy and massive games nights. Not everyones cup of tea, some people are more sedate and like a quiet time; we prefer impromtu parties Grin

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 17:08

Sorry, hit post too early.

So I find it difficult to comprehend excluding family, close family, even batty aunts and uncles during what is supposed to be the season of goodwill.

CrapBag · 04/08/2012 17:09

Just seen that she doesn't live near you. That makes things awkward. I have a tiny 2 bed house and there would be no way I could have a house guest for 10 days. It would drive me up the wall.

Is she planning on moving closer to you!?

Original poster
melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 17:11

Don't worry desperately :)

Yes she's had her house on the market for a while now but there haven't been any reasonable offers. it's tricky as it's a detached cottage surrounded by land - the gardens surrounding it contribute to its value but as a house it isn't enormous (3 bed)

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 17:14

I think there must be a compromise solution Grin

Although, 10 days, eeeeeeeeeeeek that would drive me insane as well.

DestinationUnknown · 04/08/2012 17:16

As a lone patent of an only child, on one hand I do think that any parent has to be prepared to relinquish their time with an adult child as they grow up and start their own family. On the other hand, it's pretty mean of people to have a go at mothers who don't happen to meet a new man and start a relationship whilst also bringing up a child. It's nit that easy and there might have been relationships which just didn't work because of the existence of said child.
I think it's up to your DH really, if he's happy to not include his own DM then so be it, as presumably he knows best how hurt or not she would be.

I also understand why she doesn't want to impose herself on friends who have their own husbands, dc, dgc for Christmas, you'd feel like a complete spare part and also probably embarrassed that you didn't have the open of spending it with your own kids.

Your MIL might relax more with the dgc once they are older, not everyone is brilliant with tiny children.