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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about Christmas (sorry)

70 replies

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 14:27

DH is an only child and his mother is a single lady, she seemed to just devote her entire life to DH (he is an only child) and never showed much interest in anything outside of him.

She always comes to stay at Christmas and she makes it awkward and I'd really like to enjoy time as a family - AIBU to ask him to ask her if we can go to my parents' this year?

OP posts:

DestinationUnknown · 04/08/2012 17:17

Bloody iPad - parent, not, option...

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 17:24

That's a good point destination. In fairness to his mother she has never once been self pitying or martyr like, she just coped with losing her husband young by making DH the priority.

I think it's so hard to explain why I find her difficult, and I always feel guilty because she is, honestly, lovely. But if she makes tea, she doesn't just dunk a teabag in a mug, as is my style Out comes a silver teapot, a tray, a silver jug of cream and one of sugar and dinky china cups, and an array of biscuits.

She chided (gently) DD for yawning and DS for sneezing (neither did it particularly ostentatiously.) Thank God neither of them farted!

She goes on about the fact we have two cats as if we have a zoo in the house! Both cats look similar (given they are sisters, this isn't surprising.) Every time one walks in a room, she asks me which one it is and then remarks, "Oh, I thought it was

OP posts:

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 17:24

destination, give up this s why I've given up posting on my phone!!

OP posts:

stookiesackhouse · 04/08/2012 17:28

What Destination said.

It's Christmas, a time for family. Include her. There is no way I could jostle her off to her friend's - or worse, have her spending it alone.

Think of it this way, would you feel different if the situation was reversed and it was your mum?

I think YABU.

stookiesackhouse · 04/08/2012 17:30

What Destination said.

It's Christmas, a time for family. Include her. There is no way I could jostle her off to her friend's - or worse, have her spending it alone.

Think of it this way, would you feel different if the situation was reversed and it was your mum?

I think YABU.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 17:31

How far away does she live? I'd cut it to 5-7 days. That's much more manageable.

Skype is really brilliant for keeping younger DC in touch with grandparents a distance away. I would seriously consider it. A twice weekly call would keep her in their minds and encourage a good relationship so they're more comfortable with her when she visits.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 17:32

And tell her about the names thing!

JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 17:34

Can she not go with you to your parents, for a shorter stay? Then the impact of any awkwardness is spread thinner between more people. :) Could all be quite jolly.

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 17:34

Narked I have - force of habit for her I think!

She is completely crap with technology not very PC literate! I suggested she join Facebook to keep up with pictures of the DCs and she joined but can't get the hang of it, bless her. Will have another go with teaching her to Skype next week when she comes to stay.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 17:40

I do think shortening the christmas trip is the good first stage - don't leave her alone on christmas day but the rest of the period she'd be perfectly able to visit friends etc Make plans for the day after boxing day. could there be a show or something you want to go too? You could raise it now.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 17:40

Do it back to her!

If you can set up Skype for her - and write down a 'how to call Melon' guide with step to step actions eg Move the arrow over the picture that says Skype and click the left mouse button twice - it would really help. Maybe one her friends could help if she has trouble.

DestinationUnknown · 04/08/2012 17:41

Ok so she does sound a bit proper and the cat thing would drive me up the wall too! Would they tolerate having coloured collars on just for her visits?!

Btw, was she widowed? Definitely cut down length of stay but don't leave her alone at Christmas. Can you give her some very important jobs to do that need to be done to a high standard?

Socknickingpixie · 04/08/2012 17:47

why does nobody else seam to get that when you stop being a child and become an adult with children of your own, if your parents are able bodied fit and well they are not your responsability, your children and the family within your home are and they have just as much a right as your parents did to have there own celebrations, traditions and routines.

pictish · 04/08/2012 17:51

I agree Sock - we spent every christmas at home as a family when I was a child. Visits were what boxing day was for - although I don't rightly remember a lot of visiting either.
Christmas was simply mum dad and kids at home.

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 04/08/2012 18:07

Haha destination - they do! I think last Christmas I was saying through gritted teeth "Ruby.wears.the.red.collar!"

Oh she is lovely really - her heart couldn't be any more in the right place if she tried, she's just hard work for ten days weeps

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2012 18:12

You're going to have to dye one of the cat's fur. Blame your DCs.

DestinationUnknown · 04/08/2012 18:23

Hmm not much could be simpler than Ruby=red now could it!! You sound lovely and I'm sure there's a way round it all, but if you can see your way to ensuring she isnt lonely on Christmas day then you would be doing A Good Thing. Assuming the DCs get to be as jolly and hyper as they like in their own home...

As for not being responsible for ones adult parents, I do agree but surely families are there for situations like this. Friends can't always do the job. It's not as if she's insisting you come to her and she does it all her own way.

beingagoodmumishard · 04/08/2012 18:28

I am really surprised by how many people have suggested that you invite your MIL to your parents for Christmas. If you struggle with your MIL why should your parents have to host her as well

DH's parents are separated. If, say, we were to go FIL for Christmas, should we invite MIL to his as well if she would otherwise be on her own? Mind that could make an interesting Christmas

Floggingmolly · 04/08/2012 20:23

She sounds like hard work, but it's Christmas! You can't leave her on her own.
Why couldn't she come to your parents? Awkward people are always more "diluted" in a crowd, more distractions!

CaliforniaLeaving · 04/08/2012 21:29

Would you and your Dh and kids be staying over at your parents or just going for the day?
I think you said they live close by. Maybe let MIL come to yours but shorten it to 5 or 6 days, and take her with you to Christmas day at your parents home.
It may do her good to see how others interact with the grandchildren and not expecting them to be so correct all the time.
Also I think a little tea out with just you and MIL is in order, let her know that you know it's a little difficult for her being in yours and Dh's home and you want everyone to be comfortable, could she please call the kids ..... and you ..... as they kids look a bit confused when constantly referred to with all the names and you prefer to be called just mango by family and friends. Talk about how you run the house how you like to be more relaxed. Also hide the silver stuff if she keeps pulling it out to make tea, maybe get a plain old tea pot just for her if it really bothers you. I use a pot if theres more than 3 or 4 cups to be made.
Give her tips to identify the cats if she keeps it up Ruby=red so red collar, even I caught that one and I never met the cat!

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