To think there is no point in parents' evenings

[GooseyLoosey]

I have mine tonight and I already know that nothing useful will be said.

I will be told that dd is quiet and polite and doing OK. In reality she keeps her head down and only understands about 50% of what is going on. I have said this on many occasions to little avail. She is in a large class and as she is no trouble, there is little time to spend on her.

I will be told that ds is bright and a pleasure to have in the class. In reality he has social issues which make him desperately unhappy, is the subject of persistent bullying and is often bored. None of this will be spoken of and even if it was, the teachers are stretched as it is and seem unable to do anything.

I suspect that the majority of parents will have similar experiences and there is little genuine exchange of concerns or perspectives so what on earth is the point? I say this broadly liking my children's school and thinking that their teachers are doing a good job. This is not a teacher bashing thread but a comment on the fact that the English seldom say what they mean and I am not in the mood for more platitudes.

This is why my parents stopped going after the second year of High School I think it was, they may even have foregone years in primary.

It wasn't worth them leaving work early to be told the same thing every year, if there were any concerns or problems they could always just go in after school as there wasn't time if this was the case to do this in the allotted 5 minutes.

You do have the opportunity to approach the school and the teacher at other times you know. If your dcs are experiencing problems then approach the school. Be proactive. Both my children were having problems at their schools (school's fault), so I moved them. They're both doing well now and are happy.

You only get one chance with your children's education.

I do often talk to the school - so much so that I am rather fed up of it. In the words of Elvis, I need "a little more action, a little less conversation". However in all my years of going in to parents' evenings, I don't think I have ever learned anything of value or achieved anything of value so I wonder why we bother.

Its ony useful if you know of the issues and are always badgering the teachers as to the progress of certain strategies... but then, you don't NEED the parents evening because you're up at the school pretty much every week anyway.

I feel for the teachers, their hands are tied on so much. They cannot really be of much help, even if they want to be without risking getting into bother themselves.

Fortunately my son's teacher is very canny, we've developed a relationship whereby she doesn't say anything to get herself into trouble and doesn't need to... I'm allowed to name bullies where she isn't for example, so conversations are less awkward now and progress is finally being made .

Unfortunately if parent's evening is the only contact you have with a teacher, you won't learn an awful lot in that 10 minutes, and for most parents, that is the only time they CAN have this contact.

Agreed. but if you don't go in then you are "not interested in your childs education" and any problems are therefore down to you.

I could not agree more. Speaking from a teachers point of view. As a general rule the kids whose parents you really need to see never turn up anyway. I have to ram everything about your kid into a 5 min slot, including answering questions. It's NEVER enough time (I have been known to run an hour late as I want to make sure everything is covered and parents are happy, parents behind them are not).

The worst thing for me is in 90% of schools I have worked in I have not been permitted to say ANYTHING negative. so, I can't say your child is disruptive and never shuts up, I have to say that s/he is 'lively' and 'popular with other children'. I hate it, I think if it was MY child disrupting an entire class' learning I'd want to bloody know about it!

And don't get me started on reports

i go to prove that point.i care

i think this time i will take a list and my diary and try and organize a follow up meeting fora few weeks time in some vain hope thatl make a difference

That's the point nothingold - I have to go. I have to leave work early but won't gain anything by it, except possibily being frustrated at hearing the same old stuff again.

I even wonder what the point of being proactive with the school is. They listen, they say they will do stuff but nothing really ever happens

Goldenbrown - that's interesting, I would prefer to hear the negative. The endless polite platitudes are wearing.

I also take your point about reports. I would like once sincere parapgraph describing how my child is performing, nothing more.

I have often thought the exact same thing and wondered if I should just give it a miss (ds in year 6) as I hear the same 'script' every time but I would be concerned as to what teachers think about parents that don't go to these evenings.

You have to be honest and push for some response beyond platitudes. Ask specific questions. Think of it much like you would a business meeting.... what outcome do you wish to achieve? (a different approach to spellings? more feedback from homework? a review of which group your DS is working in if you think he's bored?) How will you know these 'targets' are being met? How will this be reviewed? When?

If your dd only understands 50% of what is going on then that would be apparent in her work surely? Does she need to build her confidence in class - and possibly out of the classroom too? Just being quiet isn't a problem though - you can't change personalities I think.

The schools remit is education - not social, although obviously it will help the teacher to know any issues that may affect that.

But you are right - 10 minutes is never enough. That's why if there is something you think could be improved it's worth making an appointment to discuss it another time.

I have found parents evenings very useful. My son's teachers have always been honest. I have found it helps to prepare a couple of questions myself. It also helps to be polite and charming to the teacher and acknowledge the hard work that they do.

.. and to ask what you can do at home to help support them.

Better - dd's problems are utterly apparent in her work - she never completes tasks that are not group tasks. I have been on their case all year about it. I hear all the right things but nothing happens. They try, they have no time and no resources for dd. They have no time and no resources for ds.

golden I was told that information before my dd started school-about not being able to say anything negative.

So, before any conversation I have with dds teachers I tell them I know this and I would rather they be honest with me so I don't have to waste my time trying to read between the lines

I don't know if it changes what they say to me. DD has special needs and I think that opens the door to much more frank and useful discussions, maybe?

YABU I think.

For a few years DS1 was doing ok at high school. In year 9 he started slacking quite a lot. At parents evening we found out by how much. It was through parents evening that we were able to get him back on track and get plans into place. Sure he hasn't thanked us for it but parents evening is a god send.

I always take a pen and paper with me and write the key points that the teacher has said to act as a reminder for when we go home and discuss the feedback.

I can assure you the teachers haven't given us cop out platitudes but hard facts and a direction that we can all work in. In year 9 they told us that he had become the class clown, what he was doing, what he was saying. By year 10 after we, as parents, were seen to be backing the school and having a consistant approach in the following parents evening they told us how the behaviour had changed etc.

DS2 had his first parents evening in November. I wasn't expecting the teachers to remember who he was tbh but with the exception of one who we challenged every teacher got his personality spot on and highlighted his.
strengths, weakness and his personality. In fact one teacher astounded us, we were running late and decided that it was more important to see the science teacher than the dance teacher. I know that DS2 is not keen on dance but this teacher ran after us down the corridor wanting to talk about how brilliant he was and do we want to consider after school or a club for him. I had to ask about three questions before I was convinced she was talking about my son!! (Are you sure you mean DS2, The one with long hair, He wears glasses, etc!!!!)

They sound a bit rubbish goose?

What about changing schools?

Depends on the teacher I find.

DS teacher last year was good at telling us what he was struggling with and DD1 teacher has been brilliant this year in listening and acting on things and giving me advice on what DD1 needs help with.

On other hand I got the distinct impression DS teacher this year doesn't know him. They are over the legal limit by 3 and have very loud characters and some DC with obvious physical difficulties. I think DS keeps his head down refuses to do much but doesn't cause trouble so is left alone.

upahill - if I got that kind of feedback I would think that they were useful too. However, I look at dd's numeracy and can see she has understood nothing (and I know this from homework too) and yet they say she is fine.

[As an aside, we are looking at moving them both].

theDevil, that's my experience with dd too. She sails under the radar and they struggle to notice her.

YANBU about the value of parents' evenings.

YABU for "broadly liking" the school despite that your son is being bullied and, in your own words, "desperately unhappy" and your daughter only understands 50% of what's being taught. Frankly I'm shocked at your attitude.

I like parents evening, I find it reassuring. I trust the school my dc are at, and as ds1 has AS, I had to go in on other ocassions anyway to get things sorted for him. That meant I had a lot of contact with ds1s teachers, but I have never had any problems with ds2 to deal with. He gets on well and I'm pleased with the progress he's making, so I would never have any reason to speak to his teachers without parents evening. If it didn't exist, i would almost never see them.

Graham, you are right, I am, as my non-English friends would say, being too ENglish about this. Ds is actually sitting entrance exams for other school next week and I am looking for dd too.

OP, I assume this is primary school? I felt the same - waste of time really. High School experience is very different IME - the teachers seem to give more honest views and will be negative where needed! Although I always get told how quiet DD is and never puts hand up etc - she is not quiet at home ;)

We've had some good guidance from primary teachers.

It's a good idea to ask: "what's the ONE thing we could do with dc at home to help you most with teacher him or her".