To think there is no point in parents' evenings

[GooseyLoosey]

I have mine tonight and I already know that nothing useful will be said.

I will be told that dd is quiet and polite and doing OK. In reality she keeps her head down and only understands about 50% of what is going on. I have said this on many occasions to little avail. She is in a large class and as she is no trouble, there is little time to spend on her.

I will be told that ds is bright and a pleasure to have in the class. In reality he has social issues which make him desperately unhappy, is the subject of persistent bullying and is often bored. None of this will be spoken of and even if it was, the teachers are stretched as it is and seem unable to do anything.

I suspect that the majority of parents will have similar experiences and there is little genuine exchange of concerns or perspectives so what on earth is the point? I say this broadly liking my children's school and thinking that their teachers are doing a good job. This is not a teacher bashing thread but a comment on the fact that the English seldom say what they mean and I am not in the mood for more platitudes.

I'm shocked that G0ldenbrown says that teachers are not normally allowed to say anything negative. I assumed that if children disrupt the class their parents would be told of it.

Senior school parents evenings are surprisingly useful. Which is great because their reports are useless, vague, cut and paste comments. Each subject gets such a tiny box I can't really blame them.

Her English one was especially useless. Her English teacher in person is the total opposite.

Pupils are expected to go too. This means they actually know who they are talking about. DD1 is dyslexic and not shy, she knows what she is and isn't good at.

The result is we generally manage pretty fruitful conversations.
Action can be painfully slow, but even the SN department have done something constructive this time.

Primary parents evenings are more mixed. Some of the KS1 teachers were great with DCs, but not with parents.
DD2 lovely Y6 teacher is positive about her, but after sorting out 3 years of academic and social things for DD1 I think she's just enjoying the rest.

Nowittyname - you have hit the nail on the head. She is no trouble and shy and therefore largely invisible. She is nice, polite and hard working according to them. I look at her books and see bewildered and confused. She had drawn unhappy faces beside all of her numeracy work :(

I listened to nice and polite for about a minute and then asked them what exactly they thought dd was coming to school for and what they thought she was getting out of it, because it was far from clear to me. Nice and polite were my job and I was glad to hear I was doing well. Numeracy was their job. I have always been so nice - they looked shocked! Then they said I should practice tables with her more at home. She can recite them all beautifully and I said this, but she does not understand how they relate to actual mathematics.

Maybe I should push more - although it would be fair to say that I have had many meeting with teachers and the head to ask how they are going to support dd and to see they had done nothing again just broke my heart. I write on every piece of homework that she had not understood it and we had to go back to basics and can they support her more.

She is in a mixed age class of 32 with teachers who job share so don't really see that much of her. There are children in her class who struggle to read at all, so that is where the TA support goes and I can see why, but there is nothing left for dd. What hope is there for her? Sorry for whining, I am just so depressed by the whole thing.

Specialgun, I really didn't mean this to be about the teachers. I do think they try hard, but the contraints on their time and budgets are such that there is little available for the quiet mediocre chid. That is what makes it all so depressing, it does not matter what they say or what I say, they simply do not have the resources for dd when there are more demanding children who struggle more. Their response is always to work more with her at home, but this makes her really, really unhappy.

Moving school is not quite so easy for dd either. We live in a rural area and all good schools within 15 miles are oversubscribed. The private schools are all accademically selective (except 1 which we could not afford in a million years) and I do not think that dd could pass their assessments and would be heart broken for her if she failed.

MrsBeakman I don't want to speak for other teachers, but that is certainly what I have been instructed to do on most occasions. However, if a parent asks a questions I will not lie (been told off for this on more than one occasion!) So if you ask "Is my child disruptive?" I will be honest, although I may sugar coat it a little.

If you want an honest account and you have concerns my advice would be to make an appointment outside of parents evening and start that meeting by asking the teacher to be honest. Its a lot easier for a teacher to tell the truth when they know it wont go straight back to the head in the form of a complaint (I've seen this happen).

OP - Ask for a meeting with the SEN co-ordinator. If it is support your child needs it is likely the SENco who will timetable it. Have examples of how she struggles and make it lear that you have brought this to teachers attention many times and feel fobbed off. It's rubbish, but sometimes you have to become 'that parent' and fight for your child. Teacher will likely thank you for it come sat's time

I value the parents evenings tbh, my son is autistic and his school are fab at keeping in touch with me about him. I go along to the parents evenings to get extra feedback about how he is doing in general, any other problems and I also get the chance to chat with other teachers too.

In fact it was a parents evening where I first had the idea of an ASD planted when my son's lovely teacher told me that "he doesn't read facial expressions very well". I think she knew he was autistic but couldn't say so as it wasn't her job, it definitely nudged me in the right direction though.

Codandchops - I am really glad to hear that you have had useful feedback. If I am honest, I get useful feedback about ds too. However when it comes to dd, she might as well be invisible and I have spoken to parents of other quiet girls and they feel the same. - all we are ever tol is that they are well behaved and polite. I suspect if dd didn't turn up to school, absent the register, it would take them along time to notice.

Thanks for the suggestion Goldenbrown. The Senco in dd's school is the head and she has already been present at many meetings. Clearly though her budgetary managment role as head and her duties as SenCo are not entireky without conflict.

Wanted to come back and find out how it went for you - It sounds as though it was another frustrating meeting, especially re your DD. But your comments do seem to be along the lines of what are THEY going to do about it despite the fact that your recognise that their resources are fully stretched with children who have a greater need (eg. can't yet read). What could YOU do to help her along at home?

You say this makes her unhappy, but perhaps that's because she feels under pressure and panics? Once you find something that's the appropriate level (which can take some time to get right!) it should be reassuring for her that you can help her understand things that currently seem so confusing. The unhappy faces in her school book are really sad but you can do something about this while you are pushing school to srort out their act. Even if you are thinking about moving schools it sounds as though she needs some help in covering and understanding the basics a bit more.

Start at an easier level to build her confidence a bit? Some of the books in WHSmith are just test practice type books and won't be much use, but there are a lot of good ones that explain step by step and a lot of online resources you can use to practice that are more interactive.

eg If she can recite times tables but doesn't understand how they actually relate then use stacks of lego bricks to show her how the numbers divide into groups and sets (better than pasta shapes as they can stack up) What year is she in?