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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider contacting DH's family?

68 replies

reignoffire · 05/02/2012 16:47

I've never met DH's family. They've (by his accounts) had a rocky history, and DH says they're horrible people.

There was no one reason they stopped seeing each other, just that DH didn't want to travel to see them, and they didn't come here.

DH did add his sister on facebook 2 years ago, she commented on a photo of him & her, he then deleted her as a friend as she never emailed him, though he didn't block her.

As far as I know they think that DH is still married to his first wife, and they know nothing about us, or our toddler.

We recently lost our second child, and I know that DH felt bad that my family were at the funeral, but none of his were. I also know he hates how much support I get from my family, but he's too stubborn to reach out to his.

I will add I've never met any of DH's family (apart from his grown DC), nor his friends.

I'm half-tempted to contact his sibling on facebook, but I'm not sure

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 05/02/2012 16:49

Don't meddle. It's his family and up to him.

TidyDancer · 05/02/2012 16:54

No no no no no.

And no.

It's his family, his decision.

IndigoBell · 05/02/2012 16:57

Don't. You don't know the full story.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2012 16:58

Definately not, who he chooses to contact is his own business, he'll not thank you for kicking it all off again.

If you're worried for him, talk to him! Smile

A lot of what you say are half guesses at what you think he feels about it.

Kennyp · 05/02/2012 16:59

Double no no no no no no. Highlighted, bold, caps locks, everything.

Long story, same situation myself, if ANYONE contacted my family they would picking up their teeth with broken fingers, as grant mitchell so beautifully said years ago.

mamalovesmojitos · 05/02/2012 16:59

Don't. At all. Its understandable that you want to get to know them but you cannot disregard your dh's wishes.

ReallyUncertain · 05/02/2012 17:00

Do not do this, at all!!! You say you don't know of any reasons for sure, just leave it! At my wedding I had a total of four members of my family there, out of possibly 30 plus, I would absolutely never forgive my DH if he went behind my back and did something like that.

ivykaty44 · 05/02/2012 17:01

no

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 05/02/2012 17:01

He hates you getting support from your family? Why? And how does he show this?
What would you say to his family if you did contact them, what are you hoping will be the outcome?
I'd stay well out of it.

LydiaWickham · 05/02/2012 17:06

When you say hates the support you get from yours, is it that he wants the same or is it that he doesn't want you to have that? That's a great big alarm bell there. Ask him why, families don't just stop contacting, he's chosen to cut them out, I'd want to know why. I certainly wouldn't allow him in anyway to suggest I shouldn't have close relationships with mine.

I wouldn't contact them, but he should be able to say why not.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 17:08

No no no and again no.

I have very little contact with my family by my choice and I would be absolutely fuming if BF/DP decided to contact them behind my back.

I would see it as massively disrespectful, a sign he didn't trust my judgement or respect me and I would view it as a deal breaker.

Please don't.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 17:10

God no... I can see why you would want to.. in fact to be honest, I cant believe you have gone so far as to get married to, and have children with someone who you hardly know, because if a bloke I met was so estranged from his family, it would ring very loud alarm bells to me... but it is HIS business, not yours to interfere in.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 17:25

"because if a bloke I met was so estranged from his family, it would ring very loud alarm bells to me"

really!!! thats such a stupid thing to say

whackamole · 05/02/2012 17:27

I wouldn't. FWIW, I have a similar situation. OH and his brother fell out when his brother took his mum's side when his parents broke up. His mum had been having an affair, and basically made brother complicit in the sneaking around. He was 15, OH about 18.

They literally haven't spoken since, to the point that when OH's mum died a few years ago, they almost had a fight at the wake. I wanted to reach out to them, and when brother tragically lost his first baby I thought it would be a good time to try and mend some bridges (sorry I don't really know how to word that - I thought it would be a time when brother would need some family support and he might appreciate an olive branch sort of thing). OH said no. I couldn't go behind his back.

It's sad, but ultimately if he is cutting his nose off to spite his face that's his look out.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 17:30

why is it? something somewhere has gone wrong if someone keeps their partner completely away from their family.. wouldnt you say?

this man had a wife and has grown up children, who his family do know about, so why is he so keen that his second wife does not know anything about his previous life..

bucketbetty · 05/02/2012 17:30

I'm estranged from my family, well mostly and not my own personal choice. Maybe that's why I'm single!

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 17:32

But you would explain "why" to people wouldnt you?

OP has not been told anything about why...

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 17:36

abuse
scapegoating
not being allowed to follow a career choice
adultery
toxic parents
narcissistic parents/brother/family.
not being able to see a family member that you really liked.
they are "horrible" people.
religious differences.

I'm sure that there are more, he has separated from his family for a reason, that alone should be respected and not turned into alarm bells or red flags.

Willowisp · 05/02/2012 17:38

Of course you should contact them, I think it's a great idea & the world might be a better place if people made the first move in instances like this.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss btw.

Hope the contacting goes well if you decide to go ahead & aren't put off by the pessimists

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 17:44

Yeeeeeeah Willow... a great idea... NOT.

This man's world might be a better place because he doesnt have contact with them. Or his family may have a better world because he isnt in it.. either way the OP has absolutely no rights to go meddling unless she knows exactly why they dont get on. Cans of worms are likely to be opened.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 17:44

He has told her why

they are "horrible" people.

He hasn't gone in to detail, this should be enough for a partner.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2012 17:47

Pessimists or experienced realists Willow?

I take it you don't come from an abusive family then?

I can understand what you mean about him not saying anything squeaky because he could have underhand reasons for doing it, but then it could just be too painful for him to talk about and he doesn't want them to 'infect' his happy family life now for all the reasons BBJ says.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2012 17:48

Maybe not all the reasons BBJ said, that would be an unfortunate person, perhaps 'any' would be a better word.

Original poster
reignoffire · 05/02/2012 17:53

He hasn't said he wouldn't like to see his family.

He told me he'd be quite happy for them to turn up here, and that he sort of misses his dad, but he says that they'll never turn up, and that they don't like him & don't want him. I think he's waiting for them to make the first move, which is why I was considering it.

As I said he did contact his sister on facebook, but when she didn't send him an email within days he took her off, and pouted about how unwanted he is

OP posts:
hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 17:54

BTW my BF/DP has never ever asked me why I cut contact - it came up in conversation one night and I just said they hurt me in a way I find unforgiveable and I don't want to have any contact with them.

He hugged me.

End of convo.

He trusts my judgement and respects my decision.