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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider contacting DH's family?

68 replies

reignoffire · 05/02/2012 16:47

I've never met DH's family. They've (by his accounts) had a rocky history, and DH says they're horrible people.

There was no one reason they stopped seeing each other, just that DH didn't want to travel to see them, and they didn't come here.

DH did add his sister on facebook 2 years ago, she commented on a photo of him & her, he then deleted her as a friend as she never emailed him, though he didn't block her.

As far as I know they think that DH is still married to his first wife, and they know nothing about us, or our toddler.

We recently lost our second child, and I know that DH felt bad that my family were at the funeral, but none of his were. I also know he hates how much support I get from my family, but he's too stubborn to reach out to his.

I will add I've never met any of DH's family (apart from his grown DC), nor his friends.

I'm half-tempted to contact his sibling on facebook, but I'm not sure

OP posts:

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/02/2012 20:45

Dont do it OP.
No no no.

My sister married a man who has no contact with his family. She has never met his parents and only one of his brothers a few times.

They have been happily married for nearly 30 years.

Willowisp · 05/02/2012 20:49

Well, you are wrong about my background. I have spent several years in therapy & that is exactly why now I like everything to be out in the open. I'm pretty much over my problems & believe that keeping things buried causes problems.

OP has concerns, of course she should explore them if that's what she wants. Yes, I've been on the stately homes thread & a lot of it is wallowing in poor me. Well me too, but I faced up to it, which is the bravest, quickest & IMO, ONLY way to get over stuff.

So yes, bring on the pessimists, feeling sorry footprint themselves, blaming this that & the other.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 20:53

willow I can assure you I faced up to what was done to me and I put everything out in the open.

and the row was epic

But the thing I cannot get my head around is the lack of respect for the OP's DH's decision.

Who died and made you God? is the phrase I would use if DP did this to me

As a rational, sane adult who is mentally competent I am perfectly entitled to make my own decisions in my own best interests.

And how very dare someone go behind my back and undermine that decision, no matter what their personal views and opinions are.

OnlyFunctionsWithCaffeine · 05/02/2012 21:06

No definitely don't. I am estranged from my family (for good reason, not because I'm an awful person) and I would be devastated if DP went behind my back and contacted them.

wannaBe · 05/02/2012 21:12

This rings massive alarm bells for me. And it's nothing to do with falling out with the family - people fall out with family, it happens. But let's look at all the facts:

He is estranged from his family and has not told op the reason why - only that they are not very nice people. As someone who should be his main confidant, the person he trusts above anyone else, why would he not want to tell his wife what was so terrible that he wasn't speaking to his family? From what op has said, that he would like to see them but they wouldn't want to see him, that he'd added his sister to facebook but she hadn't recipricated or made any effort to contact him, I would deduce that the falling out had something to do with something he had done and not the other way around, especially if he wouldn't tell me.

He is estranged from his first wife. Not that big a thing in the scheme of things - divorces happen all the time, but in conjunction with falling out with his family it just adds to the people he has had difficult relationships with.

Op hasn't met any of his friends. Again this would ring massive alarm bells for me. It's one thing to not have regular contact with your h's friends, I don't have much to do with dh's friends and vice versa, but they were at least at our wedding, so I know who they are.

I certainly wouldn't contact the family to attempt a reconciliation, but given all the red flags I might be tempted to contact them to find out just what they know that I didn't.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 21:14

Well, my DP is my best friend in the whole world and given that I burst into tears when it came up in conversation we haven't talked anymore about it.

I don't know, I just think going behind his back is a betrayal, and disrespectful

wannaBe · 05/02/2012 21:23

hath, I can see that - I really can. But equally, I think that to exclude your partner and children (I am talking about the op's h here not about you) so completely from his life to the extent that she hasn't even met his friends is actually quite creepy, and the argument that it would be a betrayal to go behind his back could be used in order to prevent her from finding out the truth iyswim.

I think that if the op had just said that he was estranged from his family most people wouldn't see it as an issue and would tell her to leave well alone. But I think the added fact she doesn't know any of his friends is a massive red flag. After all what does she know about this man? absolutely nothing, and this is her husband and father of her children. That is deeply disturbing.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 21:26

But she has met his grown DC and surely if he was trying to keep them totally separate, she wouldn't have done that?

Original poster

reignoffire · 05/02/2012 21:36

hathorinareddress I haven't said I'm going to go behind his back, I came on here musing whether it would be a good idea, I was just throwing it out there a wwyd sort of thing.

So I'm not disrespecting him in that way, though I did think it odd that I've never met them.

I know I'm his only wife, I saw the divorce absolute. And his son lived with us, and used to go & stay with his mum (he's moved out now), so if he'd been married to another I'm sure his son would've let slip, besides he's with me most of the time.

He doesn't seem to see friends, and at our wedding the only guest he had was his son.

He does have some friends on facebook, and one of them added me, and all was cool, till he decided he didn't like me being friends with his friend, so he took him off, blocked him, and insisted I did the same.

While I understand you hathorinareddress DH doesn't get upset when talking about his family, more wistful... and he spends ages looking at their house on google streetview, and even took me over to see their house. It was his idea to seek out his sister.

It seems he does want to see his family, but fears rejection.

The only reason that I was considering this, is because I have friends & family to support me since our baby died, and he only has me... and he's told me that he's jealous of that... and right now we're not even talking, so it wasn't for malicious reasons

OP posts:

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 21:38

I didn't think it was malicious, and I'm sorry truly if I've upset you.

I just know I would find it really disrespectful if DP did it to me.

And I'm sorry about your baby and I feel I've not said that before.

At the end of the day, though, imho, it has to be his call.

And it seems like you might have bigger issues and fixating on sorting out his relationship with his family (as a displacement) isn't going to sort his relationship with you.

wannaBe · 05/02/2012 21:41

ok.

He doesn't want you being friends with his friends.

He doesn't want you to have anything to do with his family.

He drives past their house and looks them up on google and such but they want nothing to do with him.

He is jealous of support you get from your family and friends.

Op - I am going to be blunt - I think it's likely he has a past that he doesn't want you to know about. He doesn't want you to know his friends because he's afraid of what they might tell you. His son is different maybe because he was a child and is himself unaware.

Have you ever googled him?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 21:41

why all this talk of red flags?
the op seems happy (generally) in her relationship.
the only thing that jumps out to me is that op's DH/P doesn't like the help that she gets from her family, but this could just be badly worded or explained.

she has not drip fed any other information that would suggest abuse in anyway and yet the all posters are doing is putting suggestions in to her head.

If you trust your partner there should be no problem
and as hathorinareddress she has met his grown DC.

We don't even know if the OP's DH has a social life.

Original poster

reignoffire · 05/02/2012 21:43

hathorinareddress You've not upset me, I appreciate your honesty, and agree it's best to leave it alone & let him make any moves

OP posts:

SHThread · 05/02/2012 21:43

YABVVVVVU

I can not believe you would consider meddling. So unreasonable.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 21:44

:( that does not bode well...

Have you actually met any of these friends, in real life..

I think, at the moment you are going through a really tough time, and grieving for your baby, understandably, but your husband's behaviour is odd, and controlling. :(

hiddenhome · 05/02/2012 21:47

Please don't. I don't speak to my family for very good reasons and I would go ballistic if dh ever contacted them. He knows the history and never would. Please just leave it. It's his decision. Some families just aren't worth bothering with.

wannaBe · 05/02/2012 21:48

bb I don't think the op is in an abusive relationship. the "red flags" for me are the fact she doesn't know anything about him. Doesn't know his family, friends, in fact when she added one to facebook he blocked him and made the op do the same. That is weird.

I think the jealousy of support the op receives probably has more to do with the fact he's sad that he doesn't have the same and that might be understandable.

But the rest to me would suggest he has a past, and if I knew so little about a man and he blatantly wanted to keep me from it I would want to know what he was hiding - and I suspect that he is hiding something.

troisgarcons · 05/02/2012 21:54

that's a man with a past ..... and probably not a nice one. Very rare for families to cut off a child, parents will usually forgive anything. Eventually.

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