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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider contacting DH's family?

68 replies

reignoffire · 05/02/2012 16:47

I've never met DH's family. They've (by his accounts) had a rocky history, and DH says they're horrible people.

There was no one reason they stopped seeing each other, just that DH didn't want to travel to see them, and they didn't come here.

DH did add his sister on facebook 2 years ago, she commented on a photo of him & her, he then deleted her as a friend as she never emailed him, though he didn't block her.

As far as I know they think that DH is still married to his first wife, and they know nothing about us, or our toddler.

We recently lost our second child, and I know that DH felt bad that my family were at the funeral, but none of his were. I also know he hates how much support I get from my family, but he's too stubborn to reach out to his.

I will add I've never met any of DH's family (apart from his grown DC), nor his friends.

I'm half-tempted to contact his sibling on facebook, but I'm not sure

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 18:11

I can see from your posts why it would be hard for him to talk about his family.

but would you really want Inlaws that have effectively abandoned their own child?

mynewpassion · 05/02/2012 18:49

Does his older kids have contact with his relatives?

I can see Boney's point but if you haven't even met one of his friends either, its a bit worrying.

On the surface level, I would say no, do not contact his sister.

However, in my hearts of hearts, I would say that putting out feelers will not do much harm. She could ignore you, which is likely the case if she doesn't even know that you exist. However, if she's on FB, you would think that she would know if he's putting up pics of the family (you, your kids, and your stepkids). At least you tried to heal the rift. I think that if you are going to contact her, you will have to be strong enough to deal with the fall out.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 18:54

Why would you so massively disrespect a decision your partner had made over an issue like this though?

I really don't understand, and it's made me feel very very uneasy in my situation - I'm worrying that DP might feel the need to contact my family which would open a whole can of worms I'm not prepared to have to deal with.

didldidi · 05/02/2012 19:03

Sounds dodgy to me. i would expect an explanation. not to have met his friends as well is odd.

birdofthenorth · 05/02/2012 19:05

I'm amazed no-one has said how sorry we are for your awful loss. I'm sure going through something Luke that did make the absence of your in-laws more acute.

But, of course you shouldn't contact them. His sister had a window of opportunity to forge a reunion & didn't take it. I would continue to gently try to understand the situation better but would not meddle without his knowledge and blessing. You don't want to risk jeopardising a good relationship to resurrect some bad ones. Maybe in time with your encouragement DH will open up to a reintroduction & introducing you & your child... until then, it's not worth rocking the boat.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 19:06

didl so, would you say I'm dodgy?

DP hasn't asked me for an explanation, but nor have I volunteered one

Tmesis · 05/02/2012 19:15

Has he met any of your friends, though, hathor? That's the bit that sounds odd here, IMO.

But still, OP shouldn't go behind her husband's back to contact his family.

mynewpassion · 05/02/2012 19:16

But, hath, I think your reason has more validity and strength behind it than the OP's DH's.

He says that they have a rocky relationship and horrible but cites travel as more of a reason to not see them. If they lived closer, would he see them maybe once or twice a year versus cutting them off effectively?

That's why its dodgy. And the friends thing....dodgy.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2012 19:16

So not talking about your past is dodgy.
From other threads, talking about your past is also dodgy. (thinking phyco ex thread, narc parents etc.)

it seems that which ever way the man jumps will be incorrect, I am with hathorinareddress in this, if you respect him and trust him then don't push him on this.

as the saying goes
be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Threeprinces · 05/02/2012 19:19

First, I feel for you and your recent loss.

Second, I wouldn't contact them myself if DH doesn't want to contact them himself. I have been with my DH for 18 years and met his dad once about 16 years ago. They don't get on at all, and have not spoken in that long. His dad doesn't officially know we have two DCs aged 11 an 8. I spent years at first trying to convince DH to get in contact then reluctantly accepted that it wouldn't happen. I also realise that my Dc wouldn't miss out on a grandfather as he never bothered with DH's kids from first marriage, even called one of them the wrong name!

My test of whether he should get in contact was whether or not he'd want to go to the funeral when his dad passes away. He maintains that no he wouldn't. We've just found out that his dad now has cancer and DH doesn't actually care much to be honest. Shocking but his dad is an arse frankly (backed up by his sister who did keep in contact) and I have finally realised that just because his dad is related doesn't mean he's worth bothering with.

ballstoit · 05/02/2012 19:22

reign Sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine how hard losing your child is for both of you.

I don't think it's a good idea to contact your DH's family without him knowing you are planning to do so. I wonder what you would be hoping for in contacting his sister. Are you hoping for him to get some support that you feel unable to offer?

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 19:31

Right, so - what I said to DP when it came up in conversation was something to the effect of that they had hurt me greatly in a way I found difficult to get past, and that they knew where I was the road was the same length both ways.

How is that so vastly different to what the Op's DH said?

amicissima · 05/02/2012 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

didldidi · 05/02/2012 19:55

Well she's married to the guy and had two kids! i couldn't get that far into a relationship with someone who wasn't prepared to share that sort of stuff.

didldidi · 05/02/2012 19:56

That was to hat

historyrepeats · 05/02/2012 19:59

No. I would be livid if my DH did this (I don't have anything to do with my family)

Awayinamangercooper · 05/02/2012 20:07

No. My DH is estranged from his father and consequently has no contact with him or with his half brother. It is absolutely not my business and I would never consider interfering. I trust DH's judgement entirely.

nenevomito · 05/02/2012 20:09

Just to reiterate the PPs - No this is a bad idea.

I have a similar situation and lets just say that DH has put it behind him and moved on with his life for good reason. Yes, it would be lovely if my DCs had both sides of an extended family, but they don't and sometimes its for the best.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 20:19

I dunno - I just would expect DP to trust my judgement and know that it's not a decision I'd take lightly.

TooEasilyTempted · 05/02/2012 20:20

YABU to have married a man when you haven't even met any of his friends. Family... I could understand that (at a push), but not having met even any of his friends. Yet you've married and had children with this man?

You know nothing about him except what he has told you. He could be still married to wife number one. You could be wife number five!

In fact there was a thread on here not so long ago by a woman who had married in the same circumstances as you and the web of lies that her DH had weaved was incredible.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 20:25

Well, DP has met my friends, just not my family.

I still feel weird it's making me feel a bit sick actually

sunshineandbooks · 05/02/2012 20:32

I'd leave well alone.

If I started dating someone, they'd be hard pushed to meet any of my family since most of them are dead and my DSis is on another continent. I don't think it's necessary to meet family and a look at the stately homes thread will give you enough of an understanding as to why some people feel it necessary to sever links with their family. You can't choose your family. Someone's friends say much more about them IMO.

Squeaky has a really good point though about not knowing enough about someone through other sources. It can't always be helped but in these cases it is vitally important to be on the look out for red flags and to pay close attention to their behaviour (particularly to those lower down on the status scale). I'd be worried if I hadn't met someone's family AND their friends.

OP, what do you mean by "he he hates how much support I get from my family"? If you mean he feels sad he doesn't have that support from his own, ok, but if he's actually jealous that you have that support from yours, that would be worrying. He should be pleased you have that support network available to you.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 20:38

I am relieved that some of you agree with me that it is odd to marry someone whose past you know absolutely nothing about, and who is unwilling to let you share in any of it.

I can understand someone becoming estranged from their family... I can understand someone not having many friends... but both... that would worry me.

Whenever anyone asks for advice on internet dating, I would always advise you try to meet someone who knows the person, or meet their group of friends, as that is often the best way to get a background of the type of person you are meeting. Otherwise it really could be just anyone... from a paedophile, to a bigamist, to a criminal on the run. It certainly is not unheard of at all.

Awayinamangercooper · 05/02/2012 20:40

I have to say the bit about you not having met his friends either went over my head. That is strange, OP.

hathorinareddress · 05/02/2012 20:42

Squeaky - I just feel really uneasy. DP/Bf whatever you want to call him knows my friends, but he's not met my family and it's unlikely we would ever have a meaningful contact with them at all.

But I just am actually feeling sick at the thought that he might go behind my back and contact my family even though I've told him it's not a good idea.

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