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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP opening my letters?

74 replies

coldcustard · 18/10/2011 23:00

I've been away on a business trip since Friday - got back this evening. I've been Skyping DP and DD every day since I've been away and DH has been filling me in on the post that's arrived etc. He said that two letters had arrived from my solicitor (regarding ex's access to DD) and I told him to leave them and I'd see them when I get back.

So I got back tonight to find that the letters have been opened. I asked him about them and he shrugged and admitted he opened them but that it was no big deal as he knew the letters were about DD.

Why has this annoyed me so much? He's been living with us for a year (although we've been together for 2) and is a fantastic step-dad to DD but I feel like it's none of his business. Obviously he knows what's going on but opening my mail and finding out about things before I do? He opened them on Sunday and didn't even mention it.

I probably am BU as it is his DSD and he is as worried as I am about what ExH will throw at us next but it's just made me a bit Hmm

WDYT? Feel free to leave glass of wine and tell me to go away [hsmile]

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 18/10/2011 23:04

Depends on your 'trust ' level ....we open each others letters (bank etc) but if one looks personal we will phone and say 'one is from the doctor' or 'one is from abroad' .... then read them over the phone.

You've been away since Friday, got back today, this man has been living in your house acting as parent of you child and you have issues about him opening post? Maybe your relationship isn't all you want it to be.

FabbyChic · 18/10/2011 23:05

He should have asked you if you wanted them opened and when you said no he should not have opened them, that was wrong in my opinion and over stepping boundaries.

DogsBeastFiend · 18/10/2011 23:05

No, you're not being unreasonable. Come to that, I believe that it's illegal to open someone else's mail without their permission (though happy to be corrected). It doesn't matter what the content is, you asked him to leave it... he's been rude, disrespectful and I would be very pissed off with him if he were my DP.

PotteringAlong · 18/10/2011 23:07

I think it depends what you expect. I would never expect my DH to open my post and I fon't open his and fir us that's completely normal, but I know lots of people who do so he might just have different vuews.

BUT - you told him nit to open them abdvhe did and I'd be cross about that

PotteringAlong · 18/10/2011 23:08

I think it depends what you expect. I would never expect my DH to open my post and I fon't open his and fir us that's completely normal, but I know lots of people who do so he might just have different vuews.

BUT - you told him nit to open them abdvhe did and I'd be cross about that

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 23:09

I really, really don't see how you can say 'I feel it's none of his business' Shock

Bloody hell, he's living with you, has 'taken on' your DD and you think it's 'none of his business'.

I'd leave you to get on with your own life if you said that to me.

As for opening your mail - some people mind, some people don't. Unless it's a letter from a friend (which might contain something personal to them) then I don't see the problem with opening one anothers mail.

I think you should have Wine and a bloody good think about how you see your relationship going forward and what level of parenting you expect/accept from your partner.

Hassled · 18/10/2011 23:10

Opening post is just one of those things - some couples always open each other's and are fine with it. I don't like it myself - have been with DH about a billion years now and neither of us ever goes near the other person's post. My post is my post - I like to keep that independence. I like sharing, but I also like privacy and a few boundaries. Luckily, DH is the same.

If you don't like it then fine, I understand completely, but unless you spell that out to your DP then he's not going to know. Talk to him.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 23:13

If he said two letters had arrived re DD - it doesn't mean he hadn't already opened them and when CC said not to worry about them and she'd see them on Sunday he didn't read them out or talk to her about them. Unless she specifically said 'Do not open them' he wouldn't have even though to have said 'I've opened them'... why such a big deal. He's living there, he's in the middle of all of this - why shouldn't he read them?

upahill · 18/10/2011 23:13

I would be uncomfortable with it tbh.

Me and Dh have been together for 21 years and we never open each others letters even if one of us has been away for a while. we just leave them on a work top for when they are back.

I've opened one or two of his over the years by mistake (we have the same initials and bank at the same place) and told him before he got to them and he just shrugs and doesn't bother.
I would too if it was an accident but wouldn't want anyone opening my post.
Heck I wouldn't even dream of opening my DS1's post come to that and he is 15.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 23:15

Different strokes for different folks and as long as you are both happy with it then that's all that matters isn't it.

But to say 'it's none of his business'..... wrong, just wrong.

ilovesooty · 18/10/2011 23:18

I don't like people opening my post either: I feel pretty strongly about it. If you feel the same it sounds as though you need to make that boundary clear.

Mind you, I'm strongly against looking at other people's emails and phones as well...

Inertia · 18/10/2011 23:20

It's annoying because you asked him to leave them for you to open and deal with, and he went ahead and opened them anyway. I appreciate ChippingIn's point about it being his business as it concerns what is now your family- but that still doesn't mean that he should open mail that you have asked him not to; it just seems like a bit of a breach of trust to me, not even about just opening mail but about the fact that he'll just disregard your views and do what he likes.

He could have said to you that he was worried and could he open them and let you know what the solicitor said, for his own peace of mind and in case there were any actions that he could begin to deal with.

In our house, I generally open most of DH's mail because he asks me to. He works away a lot and is happy for me to deal with day to day admin, bank stuff etc. Anything work related I don't open as it may be confidential, and I wouldn't open anything obviously personal but he doesn't really get any of that.

Original poster
coldcustard · 18/10/2011 23:26

Thank you all for your replies.

I didn't mean to come across as a total bitch when I said it wasn't his business, I just meant that I see this as my problem and it was my business to sort it out. We used to have good contact with ExDH but after a disagreement (between ex and me) he's taken it to court. That was my fault, not DPs.

ChippingIn, you make a very good point with your first post, especially the last sentence.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/10/2011 23:29

Whoever gets to the post first opens it and deals with it in anyway fit, (well DH will tell me so and so has writen and I will nag him to ring them up or something Grin )

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 18/10/2011 23:30

YANBU. If he didn't know whether you'd mind him opening your mail he shouldn't have done it. If he was so concerned about what the letters said he should have asked you if he could open them.
Whether or not you open each other's mail is up to you, but it's something to be discussed and agreed on, not assumed.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 18/10/2011 23:32

Arriving late to the debate but I would be foaming at the mouth - not sure why it is so, but someone, anyone, opening my mail would just drive me insane. I would hit the roof Confused and it would seriously come close to being a deal breaker for me. I have the same feelings about my handbag - there's nothing particularly in there that I don't want anyone to see, it's just that it's mine and nobody else should touch it without express permission. DH went in there once a long time ago - I can't even remember what for-- but my reaction is still sometimes mentioned in hushed tones with fear and trembling. It's just WRONG. Just my opinion though, and worth exactly what you pay me for it Wink
I think it comes from my parents though, even now, in my 40s, I will shout "mammmmmm, dad's in your purse" if he so much as looks at it, even though she doesn't mind, it's where they keep their "petty cash".

ilovesooty · 18/10/2011 23:37

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom I think my attitude (very much like yours) comes from my parents too. My mum was adamant that it was poor manners and a real breach of trust/privacy.

MJlovesscareypants · 18/10/2011 23:41

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MJlovesscareypants · 18/10/2011 23:42

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iggi999 · 18/10/2011 23:45

I too thought it was illegal to open someone else's mail without permission, which he clearly didn't have.

maypole1 · 18/10/2011 23:54

I open eveyones letters in the house we have no secrets

Guess its trust issues

iggi999 · 19/10/2011 00:01

Maypole how do you know everyone else is happy for you to do that? I'd see it more as a lack of trust if someone read my mail - they thought I was up to something. It's prob like the endless MN threads on "should couples have a shared email address" - if you see it one way you'll always thing the other pov is strange!

SurprisEs · 19/10/2011 00:08

Me an DH open each others letters. Mainly because it helps us stay organised as DD put her hands on anything. So the first one to get home reads them, hides them and reports,lol.

But if I'd told DH "I'm expecting a letter from xxxxx, please don open as it's extra private" I'd be really annoyed had he opened it.

ilovesooty · 19/10/2011 00:18

It's nothing to do with "trust issues" or "having secrets" AFAIMC

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 00:27

DON'T open my post.
DON'T dive in my handbag without checking with me.
DON'T read my paper before me.
DON'T EVER Drink out of MY MUG EVER

You can sit in my seat but I reserve the right to bore holes into your skull with my eyes until you move

Oh and BACK OFF from my naice stationery and even naicer pens...

I'm funny with some things. deal with it