DP opening my letters?

[coldcustard]

I've been away on a business trip since Friday - got back this evening. I've been Skyping DP and DD every day since I've been away and DH has been filling me in on the post that's arrived etc. He said that two letters had arrived from my solicitor (regarding ex's access to DD) and I told him to leave them and I'd see them when I get back.

So I got back tonight to find that the letters have been opened. I asked him about them and he shrugged and admitted he opened them but that it was no big deal as he knew the letters were about DD.

Why has this annoyed me so much? He's been living with us for a year (although we've been together for 2) and is a fantastic step-dad to DD but I feel like it's none of his business. Obviously he knows what's going on but opening my mail and finding out about things before I do? He opened them on Sunday and didn't even mention it.

I probably am BU as it is his DSD and he is as worried as I am about what ExH will throw at us next but it's just made me a bit

WDYT? Feel free to leave glass of wine and tell me to go away [hsmile]

Really surprised at the hard time you're being given OP. OK so "it's none of his business" was a bit harsh but you had asked him to leave the letters for you to read when you get back and he ignored that and opened them...in what way is that ok??

I'm not sure of the timings but is it possible that he opened the letters before you had spoken about them and it was too late when you said to leave them? In those circumstances I would have told you on the phone with an "ooops, oh dear, sorry" but I can see that he might not have wanted to do that.

Not really a red flag if there are no other control issues as he may just be from a family with a different attitude on this, but definitely a serious word is needed that your post is your post.

Cross post Chipping - I agree that is very likely

It has to be agreed.

I only open my husband's mail when he is away/working elsewhere, so that if anything important comes, like hospital appointments, we know about it. And I usually ask first if he'd like me to open it.

Otherwise, mail is opened by the person to whom it is addressed.

I would discuss this, OP, with your partner as it would annoy me incredibly if I said 'leave them' and the person then opened them, and I would expect to them clarify in the future that all my mail is opened by me unless explicitly said otherwise.

It's not illegal as it's no longer interfering with mail delivery once it's been delivered to the right address - pretty sure that's right.

It's one of those things couples need to agree on. MrNC never reads anything so if I didn't open most of his post we'd have even more mountains of paperwork (seriously, it's taken me 10 years of living with him to go through the 15 years worth he'd acquired beforehand). We agree that 'boring' letters that are clearly bank statements, utility stuff, pension stuff, junk mail etc can be opened by either of us, but anything that looks interesting should be saved so he can be asked if I should open it or not.

I'd have counted solicitor stuff as 'boring' and possibly needing to be opened on time but as others said it depends whether he routinely overrides your views or not.

I think YABU. I would be really upset if OH told me it was 'none of my business' because it concerned DSS.

I would be annoyed if he had opened a letter I'd asked him not to, but I genuinely can't think of a reason when that would occur.

I would hit the roof if my DH did this. Totally breach of privacy and also sounds a bit controlling tbh - especially as you told him to leave them. Out of order. I can't imagine any situation where this would be acceptable behaviour. It is disrespectful at best.

I'm sitting here laughing at all the people quit indignantly stating it is illegal to open someone else's post - so what? I doubt the OP is going to call the police and have him arrested FFS .

I agree with chipping in that he probably opened them before he told the OP about them and took her saying leave them as meaning she didn't want to know the details right now.

I sometimes open DH's mail.

If he is away for a few days or if I know it is about a joint matter, because he is one of those daft people that will go "oh, it's just from the bank" and not open it for a week. Just to make sure it's nothing that needs dealing with urgently.

If he asked me not to, I wouldn't do it though. (I'd make more of an effort to make sure he did though!)

I don't think he was intentionally breaching your privacy, and that you should give him some leeway in this instance.

So he's good enough to act as a parent to you daughter, and look after her whilst you're away... but the impact that the letter may have on her/his/your future was none of his business...... do you want a partner, or an unpaid childminder who does what he's told and minds his own business..?

Fairheaded that's very ott. The op was away for a long weekend, presumably she is the one meeting with the solicitor, going to court etc, and SHE made the decision to let it lie a few days until she could deal with it. A "partner" would accept that. However interested he may be, it won't be him who has to reply to these letters, will it?

Joining in a bit late! Just had to say, give the guy a break - you've not long been living together and these little things are all part of getting to know each other, your expectations etc. If you don't want him opening your post in future, show him this thread and it'll put the fear of Mumsnet into him!
As Chipping said it sounds like it might've been a done deal (he'd opened them before phoning). I'm in a 'respect privacy' relationship, I like knowing we don't go through each others drawers etc; but trust neither of us have anything to hide. I wouldn't open DP's post without asking and vice versa. Now your DP knows this I'm sure you can put this behind you and move forward, don't do anything drastic over what is after all pretty small potatoes.

I'd be pissed off.
I've been married to DH for years, I trust him with my life but I don't want him opening my mail unless I ask him to.

I agree with SauvignonBlanche. I wouldn't open the DCs post either-however young. You need permission.

My step-mother was not married to my dad. But she looked after me and cared for me in ways my mother never did. What the hell would've marriage changed in that equation?

Some people are saying if you trust each other what is the deal about mail.

Over the years I have bought DH suprise gifts and treats or vouchers for track days and the like. I want to give them to him on his birthday. It would ruin the suprise if he opened the evelope to find he was going racing round Oulton Park.

Same with him. He has ordered me nice Belstaff coats and alsorts of things. So many suprises could have been ruined. I wouldn't dream of opening anything that didn't have my name on.

Theres nothing secret in my house, but we dont open each others post- its addressed to an individual. Unless its something joint, then its opened by whichever gets the post first (usually me as I finish work earlier)

My biggest bug bear though is my purse- NO-ONE touches my purse- DH took money out of my purse once and I didnt have enough for shopping and had no card on me, I was so humiliated in the supermarket about not having enough money on me to pay for something like £12 worth of stuff.
I control all the money in and out- DH has never really had any interest and Im better with balancing books.
He says if he needs money and I give it to him- he doesnt own a bank card (by his own choice) he kept losing them.
He is never denied money, (OMG how controlling does that sound?) but knows better than to take without asking!!

When he opened them is irrelevant. What the letters were about is irrelevant. The fact remains that he should not be opening the OP's post.

chaotic - it is not for you to say what he should or should not be doing - you are not in that relationship.

That would annoy me. My husband and I always leave mail for each other, if one of us is away we'd ask the other on the phone if they wanted any mail opening if anything looked unusual or important.
If I had specifically told my husband not to open letters and he did I would be angry with him and see it as an invasion of my privacy.
I don't believe that when you marry someone you give up your right to all privacy and independance.
He told him to leave the letters alone and he didn't. he was being nosy and prying.

No, I'm not, thankfully. I couldn't be with someone so disrespectful who invaded my privacy and thought it was no big deal. Btw my post was also based on the OP's op where she says she isn't happy either.