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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP opening my letters?

74 replies

coldcustard · 18/10/2011 23:00

I've been away on a business trip since Friday - got back this evening. I've been Skyping DP and DD every day since I've been away and DH has been filling me in on the post that's arrived etc. He said that two letters had arrived from my solicitor (regarding ex's access to DD) and I told him to leave them and I'd see them when I get back.

So I got back tonight to find that the letters have been opened. I asked him about them and he shrugged and admitted he opened them but that it was no big deal as he knew the letters were about DD.

Why has this annoyed me so much? He's been living with us for a year (although we've been together for 2) and is a fantastic step-dad to DD but I feel like it's none of his business. Obviously he knows what's going on but opening my mail and finding out about things before I do? He opened them on Sunday and didn't even mention it.

I probably am BU as it is his DSD and he is as worried as I am about what ExH will throw at us next but it's just made me a bit Hmm

WDYT? Feel free to leave glass of wine and tell me to go away [hsmile]

OP posts:
LeBOOOf · 19/10/2011 00:27

People do things differently, but it shouldn't be a problem to say "Actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't open my post- it just doesn't sit right with me", should it?

yellowraincoat · 19/10/2011 00:33

I would never open my partner's post and would be annoyed if he opened mine. We are separate people and unless I was expecting something and I was away and he was home and it was important, it just wouldn't happen.

You did tell him to leave them and I think that's a bit off on his part to open them.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 19/10/2011 00:39

I open all DH's post. He never opens any post, but I wouldn't really mind if he did.

It's a bit like the joint account/separate account thing. Different strokes for different folks and never the twain shall meet Grin

If you'd prefer your DP not to, I'd just mention it, but I wouldn't make a big thing out of it.

SacreLao · 19/10/2011 00:43

Me and my DP open each other's post and don't mind either way.

BUT if I had told DP to leave it then I would be fuming that it was opened.

carabos · 19/10/2011 08:15

I'm with upahill pombear and herscaryness. YANBU.

When DH and I were first together we were in exactly the same situation wrt exDH. DH used to open the post on the grounds that it might be important - which it was -to me. It's not on on so many levels -

  1. It's important so therefore needs to be opened by a man.
  2. It's important to you so therefore he needs to know all about it - controlling.
  3. Important private mail creates a barrier between you so he needs to open it. Controlling.
Once I had explained to now DH that (rightly or wrongly) that's how I saw things, he stopped doing it.
NinkyNonker · 19/10/2011 08:18

I open DH's mail if it is obvious it relates to a joint or family issue, and vice versa. If I don't know what it is I wouldn't.

EarthMotherImNot · 19/10/2011 08:21

Forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't it against the law to open someone elses mail?

diddl · 19/10/2011 08:25

Why did he open it when you told him not to?Confused

YANBU.

lesley33 · 19/10/2011 08:27

You asked him not to, he did. YANBU. Although tbh it is his business as well.

upahill · 19/10/2011 08:28

Those that say they don't mind having their letters open and they trust there partners - to me it isn't about that at all!

My letters are mostly my magazines, a wage slip when once opend it gets left lying around anyway so any old fool can see it and programmes from the Dukes and the Octagon saying what plays and films are coming up and a few bills.

I just think everyone opens there own post and there is no confusion to who has what. For example if DH opened my credit card statement and put it down and forgot to mention it, especially if I have been away for a week or so I would forget about it because I haven't seen it and yet it is my responsibility. If I open it and see it I have registed it's presence and will rememeber to do something about it.

Being self employed DH gets tons of mail. TBH I'm glad I don't open it!!!

DS2 is 11 and he gets magazines that I also like reading. I would never open them, they are addressed to him.

ZombiePlan · 19/10/2011 08:43

Agree with Carabos.

Whether or not other couples are happy to open each other's mail is not relevant. It's about him disregarding your clearly expressed wishes - it it SO not on for him to open your personal mail "because it affects him" after you have specifically asked him not to. TBH I'd be having a big chat about it. His actions have shown that he thinks his wishes and views trump yours. That is IMO an attitude that needs to change.

whatdoiknowanyway · 19/10/2011 08:46

We never open each other's mail without permission. Nothing to do with lack of trust, lots to do with personal space and respecting boundaries.
If one of us is away the other will give a description of what post has arrived. If anything is particularly interesting we may tell the other to open it and read out the contents but otherwise it's left until we get home.
DH didn't think like this when we first got together, I explained my point of view and he has respected it ever since. It hadn't occurred to him before.
It might just not have occurred to your DP, OP.

Whatmeworry · 19/10/2011 08:50

Yanbu to be grumpy, you basked him notbto.

Whether yanbu to think that you can run your relationship that way is a different matter and is something you need to discuss.

echt · 19/10/2011 09:21

DH and I have common email account. I don't open anything clearly addressed to him. Vice versa.

springydaffs · 19/10/2011 10:36

YANBU. It was addressed to you, you told him not to open it, he opened it.

Bit worrying tbh. Of course it's his business ultimately but it was addressed to YOU, not him.

FunnyHaHaPeculiar · 19/10/2011 10:49

we always open any post that comes, always have done.

why do you feel "its none of his business"

ShroudOfHamsters · 19/10/2011 11:16

You asked him not to open YOUR MAIL - he did.

Why does he think he's got the right to ignore YOUR instructions about YOUR property?

Hit the roof, big time, and explain to him in very simple terms that if he cannot show you the BASIC RESPECT that is required between partners, he will soon no longer be your partner. Because respect is essential.

eurochick · 19/10/2011 12:56

YANBU. I would never open my husband's mail or expect him to open mine without permission. We might be married but we are still two individual people and post addressed to one is not meant for the other.

mousyfledermaus · 19/10/2011 12:59

YANBU -I never open any mail that is adressed to my dh without him telling me (when he is away for example) and vice versa.
I peep through the letter windows though

altinkum · 19/10/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2011 13:04

Is he your daughter's step father if he's not married to you? Surely that's a title reserved for someone who's married to another parent, not someone who has only been living there for a year.

MorrisZapp · 19/10/2011 13:07

I can't believe so many people do post sharing! DP and I would both have an utter meltdown if the other one so much as opened a Boden catalogue addressed to the other one.

The bills in our house are in DPs name, I pay half of them but I wouldn't dream of opening a bill with his name on it - it's his mail.

If DP opened anything of mine I would go so mad it would end in tears and swearing.

It has nothing to do with 'not having secrets' and everything to do with being an individual adult.

No, no, and thrice no. Just NO.

Ephiny · 19/10/2011 13:10

I can understand him being worried and wanting to know what was happening with DD - but he should have asked you first. I would never open DPs post unless he asked me to, and I'd expect the same from him.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 19/10/2011 13:13

YANBU It's not about trust, it's about privacy. I'd feel like it was a breach of mine.

If I choose to read out a letter to someone, that's my choice but the choice should be mine.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 13:22

No one here knows if he opened them before or after they talked about them having arrived. I would assume that when he said there were two letters here from the solicitor about DD that he'd already opened them. When the OP said she'd see to them when she got in he didn't say what was in them or read them out. A lot of accusations here without facts.

I can see both side of the 'To Open or Not to Open' mail debate - neither is right or wrong, just different and something that should be discussed not ranted & fumed about.