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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bit weird?

59 replies

BettyDrapersWardrobeElf · 09/10/2011 08:06

I'm pretty sure IANBU but may just be being a bit precious. I have an 11 month old DS and spend a lot of time with a friend who has an 8 mo DD. So we met up yesterday to go for a walk in the park and when I dropped my friend off at her house she hugged me and gave DS a kiss - but like a proper full on mouth kiss? He had his mouth open (cos he's an 11 mo baby) and she seemed to think this was funny and kissed him in the mouth again. I was a bit Shock but didn't know what to say? I feel like I should have said something - like "like can you please Stop doing that?"

So what do you think. Am I being a bit precious or is this really inappropriate? And if it is wwyd? Would you have just left it or would you have said something? Been feeling really guilty about it and feel like a I have let my son down? although obviously he wasn't bothered in the slightest and was his usual smiley giggly self. I just feel like it's weird to do that to someone else's child. We are not big mouth kissers with relatives though, we are cheek kissers so not sure if I'm just out of step with the rest of the world?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2011 08:12

YANBU... Apart from anything, I have a horror of cold-sores viruses being passed on. And mouth-to-mouth kissing - in British culture at least - is more for lovers than acquaintances. Ask the silly woman to stop doing it.

ElizabethDarcy · 09/10/2011 08:13

Ditto with Cogito

gapants · 09/10/2011 08:14

Hmmm, I would have no problem with this although I do take cognitos post about transferring germs.

If you are not comfortable with it, then you are perfectly reasonable to ask her not too.

runningwilde · 09/10/2011 08:15

I don't think yabu at all. Some people are comfortable with this, some are not - I don't want anyone else kissing my little
Kids on the lips and I had to tell a creche worker once to not do it - although I was very polite about it! I simply said can you please kiss my boy on the cheek not the lips and she was fine with it. Our children sometimes kiss us (mummy and daddy) on the lips and each other but I always say when we are with others, give so and so a kiss goodbye on the cheek! They kiss some of their little friends on the lips which is absolutely fine, but other adults on the cheek

If you find it difficult to say something just say he has suspected 'hand, foot and mouth disease' and please kiss him on the cheek or simply be straight, you should not feel bad x

bushymcbush · 09/10/2011 08:16

YABU. Inappropriate how? Unless you are implying that the kiss was in some way sexual (and I really do doubt that you think that) then your friend was just being affectionate. People show affection in different ways.

Rikalaily · 09/10/2011 08:19

I kiss my own babies like that all the time and I give my older kids kisses on the lips too, I've kissed friends kids on the lips if thats where they offer, if they offer a cheek I kiss thier cheek. I kiss my dad/sisters/brother on the lips to say hello/goodbye and did with my mum when she was alive, tbh this thread makes me feel a bit sad and that we are a weird family or something.

I could understand if it was a stranger/aquaintance but a close friend? I think you are being a bit precious but he's your child so your choice.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 08:19

I think you're being OTT, I always kiss my friend's lovely babies on the mush and vice versa. I bet you're the sort to spray your ds's toys with anti-bacterial fluid when other kids have been to play.

YellowDave · 09/10/2011 08:21

I'm with bushy here but then again he is your child so if you are not comfortable with this YANBU to say something.

Original poster
BettyDrapersWardrobeElf · 09/10/2011 08:26

Thanks for the responses, much appreciated. I do know that she didn't mean anything sexual by it, she is a very physically demonstrative, huggy sort of person with everyone, men, women, old people, young people and it is one of the things I really like about her. However she has got into difficult situations in the past by being overly touchy feely in a way that isn't totally appropriate (hugging and kissing work colleagues etc) I guess it is just that it is not how I would behave. We do have very different parenting styles in other ways too. I think if it happens again I'll either be straight and ask if we could restrict kissing to cheeks or take runningwilde's advice re hand foot and mouth!
Thank you.

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 09/10/2011 08:28

I think it's weird and that YANBU. In this culture, mouth to mouth kissing is generally a sexual thing - imagine how shocked you would be to be kissed on the mouth by someone other than your DH/DP. I think it's inappropriate behaviour from her.

LoveInAColdClimate · 09/10/2011 08:29

Although for the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting that she is deriving some kind of sexual enjoyment from it, just that it's strange.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 08:30

Ok but you will offend your (totally well meaning) friend mightily, I promise you that.

Up to you though.

Original poster
BettyDrapersWardrobeElf · 09/10/2011 08:33

Proud I'm really not a clean freak - my son gets a healthy dose of dirt and slime at nursery and from other kids. Neither am i someone who screams paedo at every show of affection - i am completely fine with her kissing my son on the cheek and giving him cuddles etc. It isn't about the germs really. It was just that it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why? I think it is that in my head lip kisses are for partners/spouses etc and that while I absolutely know she didn't mean anything sexual by it and that it is just her way, it made me feel weird. I realise my reaction may have been a bit ott though so thanks.

OP posts:
Suckstobeme · 09/10/2011 08:34

She seems like a lovely friend IMO. I wouldn't kiss my own DS on the lips but my mum kisses him hello and goodbye and it never bothers me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2011 08:36

Don't feel ott... it's your baby. If you don't want your snog-prone friend slobbering over them (and you are not alone there) then tell them not to do it.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 08:39

I understand what you're saying, each to their own and all that. I personally wouldn't get my knickers in a twist about it.

As my above post said you will hurt her deeply because your complaint would be heavy with an implied 'you were inappropriate with my child.' Imagine how you'd feel if, say, you cuddled a friend's unclothed baby and afterwards they said they would rather you didn't do it again? They might have their own reasons like concerns about skin allergy but you'd be utterly mortified wouldn't you?

pigsinmud · 09/10/2011 08:42

Yanbu. I have never kissed my children on the lips. My mil used to insist on kissing our children on the lips and I found that odd. When they were babies and half asleep she would even insist on removing a dummy to kiss them on the lips. When they were older and obviously didn't want to kiss on the lips she would insist .... I think that's why I find it odd, because she seemed to be obsessive about it!

I totally understand how you feel Betty.

PetisaPumpkinHead · 09/10/2011 08:44

Totally normal in my family for everyone to kiss each other in the mouth. I don't like kissing the adults in the family on the lips though (nothing "weird", just icky) so I show them my cheek at the last minute and they have got the message Grin I don't kiss other children on the mouth because their parents might be offended, but sometimes dc are used to kissing on the mouth and kiss me on the mouth.

So OP for some people kissing on the mouth is normal, so YABU for thinking it's only for couples, but YANBU not to like it. I don't think you should say anything to your friend - affection and friendship are more important than germs every time IMO.

FlubbaBubba · 09/10/2011 08:45

I'm with proud on this - it wouldn't bother me (or even occur to me) that it was weird, but if you do feel the need to say something (and each to their own), then I would try and make it more light-hearted, rather than say it was inappropriate. Something along the lines of "ewww, I can't believe you'd want to kiss my (snotty/dribbly/soggy) son on the mouth!"

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2011 08:49

"heavy with an implied 'you were inappropriate with my child.'"

Rubbish. All you say is 'We don't kiss on the lips in our family. Would you mind not doing it?' If she takes offence at a polite request, that's really her problem.

breatheslowly · 09/10/2011 08:50

Some families kiss on the lips, others don't. I'm from a don't and would find it weird. I don't know what happens when someone from a "does" family marries (or equivalent) someone from a "doesn't". It must cause loads of tension.

Rikalaily · 09/10/2011 08:51

I agree that she will be hurt if you say anything, I would be hurt if someone said it to me, it's always been a normal way for us (my family and most close friends) as a way to show affection, I've never thought twice about it, honestly. Lip kisses are not just for adults in my view unless it is proper kissing, I find it quite shocking that so many see a closed mouth lip peck as a 'reserved for lovers' thing.

Wondering now if the other school mums/teachers think I'm a wierdo for kissing my kids on the lips when they go into class My kids pucker up asking for a kiss all the time to family/close friends!

Rikalaily · 09/10/2011 08:52

Ooops didn't know the asterix made text bold

lagrandissima · 09/10/2011 08:54

I didn't kiss my own babies on the mouth - unless they accidentally smacked one on me. Not a big fan of gobfuls of snot / dribble. Now they're a bit older DS2 has tried giving me a few open mouth kisses, and I told him to keep his mouth closed, but if he kisses me on the mouth that's OK. However, I wouldn't kiss him on the mouth, IYSWIM. DS1 tries to avoid all kisses - "kisses are yukky"!

If other adults kept kissing my DC on the mouth, I'd tell them (politely) to stop - pointing out that I don't think it's hygienic, and that it's a bit unnecessary - you can show affection for a kid in other ways - kissing cheeks, cuddling, tickling, ruffling hair. It's normal to want to cuddle and kiss babies - they are so lovely - but at the end of the day, if you are uncomfortable with anything anyone does to your baby/child, you call the shots. And if they think you're being overprotective and precious, so be it.

Last thing - my dear Nan (RIP) used to say, never force a child to kiss/cuddle anyone - you know, the way parents sometime say "Give your aunty Sue a kiss" or something like that. She maintained that children should be taught to demonstrate physical affection when they felt it - that they shouldn't be taught to kiss/hug s.o. on demand. That doesn't mean they shouldn't say hello/goodbye politely though. I think that's a good piece of advice.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 08:55

Really Cognito? You'd actually say that to a friend? 'We don't kiss on the lips in our family, would you mind not doing that?' Gosh, I would never hurt someone like that...or indeed want to come across as a complete maniac.

Though like many posters who claim they 'tell people straight/tell them like it is', I rather doubt you would so in real life.