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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was IBU to ask at 3.30am.....

75 replies

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 11:14

....that my dp come home from his night out with friends, rather than join them to go on elsewhere - 10 miles from home - meaning he would not have been coming home at all until today....

None of dp's friends have the same commitments that he does, and so they all gave him grief for coming home at my request. He is thoroughly pissed off with me today because after hours of drinking I asked him to come home because I didn't see why he wanted to stay out all night - I wouldn't do it and if I did there would definitely be an issue!

WIBU?

OP posts:

wooden · 26/09/2011 11:16

Does he do it often? was it a special occasion?
Did he have work today?

squeakytoy · 26/09/2011 11:17

I wouldnt have asked him to come home, I would have told him not to bother coming home.

Original poster

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 11:19

it was his friends birthday...

No he doesn't do it often and no he doesn't have to work today, but he does look after ds before and after school during the week, so he would have been like a bear with a sore head on the school run this afternoon, and I wasn't sure if he would even have made it home in time this morning to take ds to school - let alone NOT be intoxicated when doing the school run (on foot btw)

OP posts:

lesley33 · 26/09/2011 11:19

YABU to ask him to come home because you "didn't see why he wanted to stay out all night".

Maybe YANBU if him staying out all night would have had a negative impact e.g. him not going to work, or leaving you to look after the kids all day - especially if he does this frequently.

wooden · 26/09/2011 11:21

If he had to do the school run then yanbu.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/09/2011 11:22

YANBU if he had to do the school run in the morning.

Original poster

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 11:22

YABU to ask him to come home because you "didn't see why he wanted to stay out all night".

I really don't though. We are not teenagers without responisiblities anymore. It seemed ridiculous to me that 3.30pm-3.30am drinking and being with friends was not enough

OP posts:

fannybaws · 26/09/2011 11:22

YANBU he is supposed to be looking after DS before school and he wanted to stay out drinking after 3 30???
You would sack a nanny for that.
Did he think you would do it instead?

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2011 11:23

He would have been unable to do the school run today so YANBU

If it had been you in his place there 'would definitely be an issue' so YANBU

fannybaws · 26/09/2011 11:26

I do sympathise OP we have three DCs under 4 many of my DPs friends are footloose and fancy free it can make for a lot of resentment at times.

Original poster

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 11:26

fannybaws yes he expected me to do it - I can do the school run, because it only takes me 15 mins to get to work, but it means ds (5) being dropped off at 8.40 and waiting in the playground for the doors to open...

OP posts:

MrsVoltar · 26/09/2011 11:27

If he had to do the school run YADNBU.

MrsVoltar · 26/09/2011 11:30

Oh, ok, but did he confirm beforehand that you would do it for him? Because if you agreed to do it for him, then thats different.

But, if he had not asked first then thats his responsibility. If I was to go out drinking after 3am on a school night my DP would be rightly annoyed if he had to do school run before work because I was hungover.

Original poster

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 11:33

no he didn't ask, it was completely un-said.

Not to mention the fact I could do without him spending the day hungover and in bed when he could be looking for a job!!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/09/2011 12:00

Before he went on his night out, what was the expectation of when he would be home? Was there any discussion about it at all? Because if my DH intended being out to that time, I'd expect him to tell me so beforehand so that I didn't worry he'd been mugged or something.

JeanBodel · 26/09/2011 12:07

It sounds as though there might be some issues or even resentment between you already, and this incident has exacerbated existing tension.

KSal · 26/09/2011 12:11

it depends if it is a one off or a regular event.

if it's a one off, why not let him have a night of fun... god knows I fancy having a blow out and just forgetting my responsibilities for one night. If he's doing the school run on foot, it's his problem if he's got a sore head and it's one day.

so I think YABU... but perhaps becuase I like the idea of staying out all night myself.... also would like to temporarily forget about my responsibilities once in a while, but maybe that's just me.

morrisseysquornmince · 26/09/2011 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

woowoo2 · 26/09/2011 12:31

The thing is, it was a totally off the cuff decision for him to go out in the first place. His friend called round yesterday afternoon on his way out and we both ended up agreeing to 'go out for one or 2' as we were child free. As the night wore on I realised I would need to go home soon as I am working today. I didn't mind him staying out after I left at 10.30pm until 3.30am, it was the fact he then wanted to go on somehwhere else and stay out partying all night that bugged me.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/09/2011 12:37

In the circumstances you've described, I'd be more peeved at him waking me at 3.30am. Given it's a rarity rather than frequent behaviour, I'd probably have indulged him. Or shouted at him for waking me up instead of just doing it.

swallowedAfly · 26/09/2011 12:38

i understand your point but feel for him as well. those very rare occasions where spontaneously you end up going out and feeling like your old self again and having a great time are precious - i'd resent someone stopping me from having that if it happened and was a one off or very rare thing.

just because it wouldn't be 'your thing' doesn't mean it doesn't mean a lot to him. and if he's unemployed and ground down it would have meant even more i'd expect - a real distraction and up lift that might have put some bounce back in.

totally understand where you're coming from too, but i can relate to him and there is nothing immoral or terrible about being adult and a parent and still fancying a big night out now and then. i'd have thought one of the advantages of having a partner is that you're a team and can cut each other some slack now and then for the rare occasion when you need to let your hair down.

swallowedAfly · 26/09/2011 12:39

why would it bug you? i could understand if it was regular but you're saying yourself it was off the cuff and a rare thing - he was enjoying himself - why did it bug you?

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/09/2011 12:41

If you both went out because you were child free, how come you would have had to do the school run this morning?

Tanif · 26/09/2011 12:46

YANBU and I don't understand those that are saying you are. He'd had 12 hours of drinking, he's a family man now not some carefree teenager that can drink the night away. He is definitely being unreasonable for being a pain in the arse about something that sounds like a fairly civil, justified request for him to curtail his drinking at a reasonable hour.

And for what it's worth, the comment about he 'could be looking for a job' today rather than being hungover suggests he may want to rethink how important drinking the night away is - after all, it's hardly cheap.

minimisschief · 26/09/2011 12:46

jesus this is such a non issue

for one day you have to do the school run. it means your child is waiting for the doors to open at 8:40. why is this an issue? When i was a child we all got dropped off with half hour to go and we played in the playground until school started.

it was one night. A special occasion.

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