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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD about this money?

70 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 18:44

Am not comfortable discussing money esp when it's owed money (to me).

OH is away at sea for a lot of the yr (this yr). His DS asked to come to stay for two weeks in summer hols so I booked and paid for his flight and his mum (through him) offered to go halves which I accepted (my OH and I do not have shared finances as he lives on the base when not at sea).

No more was said. I emailed her all my contact details in case she didn't have them thinking she would reply with hers and possibly ask for my bank details so she could transfer the money. She did not even reply. When DSS arrived I figured he may have the money in cash, he did not.

When he left (I had no contact whatsoever with her during his two WEEK stay) I sent a note saying thanks for letting us have him and offering to go halves if it's easier for you could you please transfer the money online/at your local branch, here are my bank details, and still nothing?! Confused

It's over £100 and at the end of Aug I was struggling (ie I had NO money and 3 uniforms to buy - had to borrow from my DS to put petrol in car to take DSS to airport.

It's been over a month now.

What do I do?! Let OH sort it out when he gets back and risk bad feeling, or just leave it?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/09/2011 18:51

It was done through your OH, he may have got the wrong end of the stick. Up to him to pay you and get it from her.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 01/09/2011 18:53

It seems that the flight was arranged and paid for without you having any direct contact with your OH's ex, and you only have his ds's word that she agreed to pay half of the cost.

Under the cirumstances, I suggest you ask your OH to reimburse you for whatever is owed and let him take the matter up with his ex, and if necessary his ds, at a later date.

Bananamash · 01/09/2011 18:53

I would write her a letter, recorded delivery so you know she got it- and she knows you know!

Be polite but to the point.

Dear DSS Step mum,

I have tried to contact you on dates x and y but i have not been able to get in touch with you.

We agreed in the email (please see attached) that we would go halves on DSS airfare to visit this summer. Unfortunately we haven't been able to discuss this since, but i really need the money now. I am very short and it is causing the family hardship.

Please can you pay the agreed amount into my bank ac no xxxxx within the next 7 days.

Thank you very much in advance,

Mrs SU

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:00

I arranged it not OH as he is away at sea.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 01/09/2011 19:02

I'm not clear if it was OH and DSS who said that the mum would pay half.

Your OH needs to pay you back, though. Either his ex or his son told you you would receive the money.

If OH makes a big deal of this £100, or you are loathe to mention it to him, then you might want to ask why. And did the DSS stay with you and who paid for that?

It just all seems a bit crap.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:15

OH will pay me back that's not a prob - it's just I could do with it before then esp as one of my DC's has a b'day in a week!!

She told DSS she would go halves and I heard in in the background on the phone, guess it's pissed me off a bit tbh as I fed and entertained him for two weeks and effectively have paid for him to have a holiday, when I am effectively a single mum and when I saw the price if the ticket I was thinking well it's ok I can afford that as I'm only paying half.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 19:19

Forgive me for asking this...but if you are close enough to be entertaining your stepson when his father is not even there, why are you being kept so short of money ?

why doesn't his father leave some behind/wire you some ?

yes, this boy's mother is being a bit awkward...but why are you out of pocket for a child that isn't even your own ?

I don't get it Confused

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:22

His father didn't know he was coming as he has been uncontactable since end May, his son texted in Aug and asked to come and stay.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 19:24

ok again

but why are you so skint that one extra mouth to feed is making you worry for your family's security ?

I am not being funny at all here...but does your OH not contribute any money at all throughout the year ? Confused

FabbyChic · 01/09/2011 19:26

Why don't you share finances with your oh? Why are you without funds when he works? He wouldn't be spending any.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:35

I have my own job and my own house and my own finances, he has his. When he or any of his kids are here he contributes. The £200 quid plane fare rendered me a little short nit feeding my DSS and I had other unexpected finances while he was here (vets bill).

Not that I can see why any of that is relevant to my situation Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 19:39

but it is relevant

you were entertaining his son at the risk of putting your own financial well being at risk

or so you implied

is that not the case then ?

this isn't a dig, honestly

if you are close enough to this man to be entertaining his stepson for ^2 weeks" then he should be contributing to your household all the year round, to take account of such last minute arrangements

or alternatively, don't be a martyr to financial penury for the sake of proving a point

that is rather daft

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 19:45

this is going in a different direction to the one you expected, isn't it ? Smile

you are going to have to get assertive with the boy's mum

and I would recommend re-thinking your being short of money when you are in a relationship where he earns well (I expect)

financial independence is admirable, but are you in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with this man where you both support each other or are you not ?

if you are not, don't risk your financial safety net to entertain kis kids

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:51

I have no desire to be finacially dependant on a bloke ever again. I entered into an agreement with his mum and would not gave paid that price if she wasn't going halves.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/09/2011 19:52

Uncontactable since end of May? Really?

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 19:54

If I had say "my friends son" rather than my DSS would everyone then be bringing his dad into it? This is nothing do with our finacisl arrangements and U am sure an unexpected £200 with a £150 vets bill on top would stretch any normal household Hmm

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 01/09/2011 19:56

did you invite your DSS over, or is this arranged contact.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2011 19:58

OP if you had said your friends son and the child had two parents, then posters would be telling you to recover the cost from either parent.

Email DSS mum, if no joy, you will have to recover it from your OH, if you need to. In future there should be an emergency fund available, if your OH cannot be reached.

diddl · 01/09/2011 20:00

Perhaps he needs to leave you an "emergency fund" in future then in case his children come to stay with you.

Fontsnob · 01/09/2011 20:02

Can you call and speak to her directly? You sound like a strong woman so you may have to just bite the bullet and talk to her about it politely.

MrsSnaplegs · 01/09/2011 20:05

atruthuniversallyacknowledged if he is a submariner then yes he could be away and uncontactable for 3 months at least

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 20:05

He's in a Submarine yes since the end of May Hmm.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:07

ok, you don't want any advice

I get it < shrugs >

BlueFergie · 01/09/2011 20:12

I have to admit I am a bit confused by this too. Why is your OH's son coming to stay with you while his father was away?
Fair enough he wanted a holiday and you were happy to put him up but why would you pay? If it was a 'friends son' surely you wouldn't have expected to pay any of the flight costs, never mind the whole lot upfront on the promise of getting repaid half at some point?
If finances are a sseperate as you suggest then I am struggling to see why you are expected to incur any of the cost in the first place?

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 20:12

I don't want advice about my finaces with oh no I want advice re this situation. That's for the sensible suggestions Grin

OP posts:
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