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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD about this money?

70 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 18:44

Am not comfortable discussing money esp when it's owed money (to me).

OH is away at sea for a lot of the yr (this yr). His DS asked to come to stay for two weeks in summer hols so I booked and paid for his flight and his mum (through him) offered to go halves which I accepted (my OH and I do not have shared finances as he lives on the base when not at sea).

No more was said. I emailed her all my contact details in case she didn't have them thinking she would reply with hers and possibly ask for my bank details so she could transfer the money. She did not even reply. When DSS arrived I figured he may have the money in cash, he did not.

When he left (I had no contact whatsoever with her during his two WEEK stay) I sent a note saying thanks for letting us have him and offering to go halves if it's easier for you could you please transfer the money online/at your local branch, here are my bank details, and still nothing?! Confused

It's over £100 and at the end of Aug I was struggling (ie I had NO money and 3 uniforms to buy - had to borrow from my DS to put petrol in car to take DSS to airport.

It's been over a month now.

What do I do?! Let OH sort it out when he gets back and risk bad feeling, or just leave it?

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/09/2011 22:22

Apologies. I'd failed to consider the submariner angle. DP is ex-military and even on his longest deployments was always contactable (but not on a submarine!)

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/09/2011 23:06

Oh, and back to your actual question (i'm easily distracted!) just call her up and ask for it. If you're on the phone (rather than text/email whatever) it's harder for her to avoid answering.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 02/09/2011 00:05

I am not a forces wife - we are not married. I call him my step son because to me thats what he is and its easier. I also have two step daughters who I love just as much but have another mum which invlove another complicated relationship and I just like top see them when their dad is away for months on end so they know they are wanted here and have a home here even if their dad isn't. Because having a submariner for a dad is shit.

Thanks for the replies about lettting my OH sort it out when he gets back and chalking it down to experience. I will.

I never thought DSS would want to come while his dad wasn't here and because he texed and asked I was bowled over and went out of my way (and budget!) to accomodate him.

I wil learn from this and be a more shrewd non step mother.

OP posts:
slightlyunbalanced · 02/09/2011 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

esselle · 02/09/2011 04:41

Them there are fighting words...

Just marking my spot for later.

needsanswers · 02/09/2011 05:22

i think their are alot of judgmental people on here who are putting their irrelevant 2cents in.
OP im not sure what i would do in your situation sorry, you put your trust in DSS mum and shes being a bit of an egg about it all, the only thing i can think of would be to send her a polite email/letter explaining you dont mean to start anything etc but was wondering what the situation was with the money, you have had a few unexpected expenses come up and and brought the plane tickets thinking you were getting half the $ back, now you have been left short and wondering if you could sort a payment plan or something? who knows she may have had an un expected expense also?
to the people that are having a go at OP about her finances, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, you are being rude... and to the women that wrote if you cant afford a vet bill then you shouldn't except an extra mouth to feed???? its her step son you idiot.. i don't know what kind of a family you run but in my household family comes FIRST.... gosh that makes me frustrated... i wish you all the best OP hope you get your money back.

Morloth · 02/09/2011 05:32

If you put your finances up for discussion, you can't complain when they are discussed.

OP I would wait until you can discuss the matter with your boyfriend, not really seeing that the Mum has anything to do with it as you didn't actually discuss it with her.

Shutupanddrive · 02/09/2011 07:18

I would just ring and ask her directly for the money, it's too easy for her to ignore an email. It's your money, that you need so ask for it back. She is taking the piss. Hope you get it sorted soon Smile

AnyFucker · 02/09/2011 07:57

You are entitled to your opinion, SU

As am I, since you did ask for it Hmm

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 02/09/2011 08:56

Erm I don't think asking for a bit of advice about how to retrieve a DEBT OWED TO ME in a rather delicate situation (ie I don't want to fall out with DSS's mum as she may then make life difficult and make it hard to see him when it's hard enough already with OH's job) qualifies as me "putting my finances up for discussion".

Of course this is Mumsnet and it's AIBU Hmm. It's okay to behave like a bully on one thread and then tell another poster to leave her bullying oh on another because of some minor indiscretion.

As for the comments about forces "wives" Hmm.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 02/09/2011 13:10

No bullying here Confused.

HerHissyness · 02/09/2011 14:11

slightlyunbalanced - you've had good advice here, some have taken a while to get up to speed here, but that's normal tbh.

I'm sure that as this trip was unprecedented, your DP wouldn't have thought to plan for it.

Do you have a number for her? or can you call your DSS (as he texted you so you have his number) and ask him to pass you through to his mum.

Calmly explain to her that £200 is a hole in anyone's accounts, and she DID promise.

Otherwise you will have to wait until your DP is back to sort it out.

I think it's lovely that his boy wants to come and stay with you, it speaks volumes about you tbh!

AnyF · 02/09/2011 15:55

Are you talking about my comments about "forces wives" ?

I made one sarky observation that maybe this is something only forces wives would understand (your situation)

Funnily enough, everyone that can read could understand your situation...they may have their own take on it however, which you appear to have a problem with acknowledging

Don't try to twist it into something it wasn't

And there is something more sad about searching out my other posts to try and have a dig at me

epic fail on that one too

AnyF · 02/09/2011 15:58

whoever reported OP's personal attack on me, it wasn't necessary really

sometimes it's better to leave such unabridged temper tantrums in place...for all to see

onehellofaride · 02/09/2011 16:14

OP when is your OH due back? As others have said maybe it would be a good idea next time for him to leave you with some money just in case the need should arise

HerHissyness · 02/09/2011 22:07

think she may have hit the DIVE, DIVE, DIVE button herself... Grin

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 02/09/2011 22:49
Grin
OP posts:
shesgotherlipstickon · 02/09/2011 23:04

I am a forces wife, I "get" it. But I see what AF is saying. It is all relevant. You aren't going to get it off the bm, SO go to your oh.

But it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Sorry but I can see what she was getting at. Considering you are "step mum", provide their home when they/he wants as he is in blocks, can have then turn up willy nilly. He is having a bloody laugh.

A sm whilst away is coining it in, he is paying mess only when at home, he is bloody loaded. Yet you are supposed to play "wifey" host him and the kids. Whilst he keeps all the money, it puts your own family finances into crap, then he gets to go back to base and piss it up with the lads.........

He's taking you for a ride IMVHO. He wouldn't be the first in the forces, to "use" someone for bed and bored, when they want to escape the mess, or have someone host the kids. Sorry.

shesgotherlipstickon · 02/09/2011 23:05

Board* Iphone grrr.

slightyunbalanced · 02/09/2011 23:14

Thats a bit insulting to my OH tbh.

He doesn't keep all the money and he certainly isn't using me.

He had no idea I was going to have his son while he was away.

I don't play "wifey" he more than pays his way when he is here.

I think when he drives 500 miles each way to see me for two days its a pretty good sign I am not being used, but thanks anyway.

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