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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD about this money?

70 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 01/09/2011 18:44

Am not comfortable discussing money esp when it's owed money (to me).

OH is away at sea for a lot of the yr (this yr). His DS asked to come to stay for two weeks in summer hols so I booked and paid for his flight and his mum (through him) offered to go halves which I accepted (my OH and I do not have shared finances as he lives on the base when not at sea).

No more was said. I emailed her all my contact details in case she didn't have them thinking she would reply with hers and possibly ask for my bank details so she could transfer the money. She did not even reply. When DSS arrived I figured he may have the money in cash, he did not.

When he left (I had no contact whatsoever with her during his two WEEK stay) I sent a note saying thanks for letting us have him and offering to go halves if it's easier for you could you please transfer the money online/at your local branch, here are my bank details, and still nothing?!

It's over £100 and at the end of Aug I was struggling (ie I had NO money and 3 uniforms to buy - had to borrow from my DS to put petrol in car to take DSS to airport.

It's been over a month now.

What do I do?! Let OH sort it out when he gets back and risk bad feeling, or just leave it?

OP posts:

MrsSnaplegs · 01/09/2011 20:13

I have to agree with the other posters you need to email DSS DM and ask outright for the money or wait until your OH returns from sea and get it back from him. It must be difficult having him away - you can always come and join us on Forces Sweethearts we don't bite and do understand the vagaries of service life.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:14

ah, you just want suggestions that agree with you are sensible, then

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:15

and anyone who isn't a Forces Wife doesn't understand

I understand martyrdom when I see it...

diddl · 01/09/2011 20:15

Well it seems to me that there´s nothing much you can do.

Phone her & ask for the money.

Get your husband to pay you back asap.

If you need it sooner rather than later, I guess you need to phone her!

FabbyChic · 01/09/2011 20:15

YOU should not be supporting an additional mouth to feed when that mouth belongs to your partner, your partner should cover all costs relating to his chlidren, not YOU.

I'm not saying you should be financially dependent however his son is dependant his dependant and he should fund any costs that are born from you looking after him, that includes fares, food, treats, trips out etc.,

Sorry but if you couldn't afford emergencies like vets bills you shouldn;t have had another mouth to feed in your house.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:17

fabby gets it

mo3d · 01/09/2011 20:21

OP your query was how should you get back your money.

Could you ring her? She can't ignore you if you're talking to her directly. A letter or e-mail are easily ignored.

It's a shame she seems to be trying to duck out of paying cause it will stop the contact you have with your DSS, you obviously have a good relationship with him but I doubt you'll be paying for his flight in future .
Hope that helps

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/09/2011 20:22

I don't understand either OP
Why is you DSS not going to his dad for the money.
Uncontactable since May?
It's now September. And though I know nothing about the armed forces, surely in five months you should have some contact.
If that is the case then obviously phone the ex and get reimbursed.

SuchProspects · 01/09/2011 20:22

I find it very odd that you would have bought the ticket when DSS is living with his mum. Why didn't she book the ticket and you forward your half to her? Because if it's because she was short of funds then I think you already know you unlikely to see the money from her now and you'll just have to suck it up until your OH gets back.

In general, if you are uncomfortable talking about money with people then you shouldn't get involved in these types of situations, but really, there's no reason to be uncomfortable about it.

Call her up - don't email, text or write, or use any other means that allows you (and her) to avoid confrontation - and ask her when and how she's going to be able pay you. You say "Hi DSS's mum, just calling about your half of DSS flight here. Is it easier for you to send a cheque, or do you want my bank details so you can transfer?" Then see where it goes. If she makes excuses say "that's unfortunate, but you've known about this for x weeks and I'm skint waiting for the money. I need it now. i can't afford this and wouldn't have agreed if I'd known you weren't good for the money." (or similar).

Although, as I recall, you posted about your DSS spending money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. Are you sure she didn't send the cash with him, but he decided to re-purpose the funds?

BlueFergie · 01/09/2011 20:23

OK you want to know what to do. From the two options you offered I would let OH sort it out when he comes back. Whether that is him settling it himself or having a word with her.
I wouldn't worry about bad feeling. She obviously doesn't give a shit if you have bad feelings towards her.

TheOriginalFAB · 01/09/2011 20:25

Do you need money right now?

Fontsnob · 01/09/2011 20:27

ladybeagleeyes how is the end of May till the 1st of August 5 months?? Why does it matter, the OP has asked for advice on a specific thing. Not for a beating over a kind gesture extended to her OH son.

Fontsnob · 01/09/2011 20:28

1st of September even. Oh how I wish it was the first of August again.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2011 20:29

LadyBeagleEyes - her OH is on a submarine. They can stay out of contact for months at time.

AuntiePickleBottom · 01/09/2011 20:30

Although, as I recall, you posted about your DSS spending money like it was burning a hole in his pocket. Are you sure she didn't send the cash with him, but he decided to re-purpose the funds?

good point there

Iggly · 01/09/2011 20:31

Ask your OH for the money when he gets back? You've asked the mum, she won't budge.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:34

Iggly 'tis I, in non-sweary work-filter mode

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/09/2011 20:35

Ok, fair enough Fontsnob.
As I said I know nothing about the armed forces, but I still don't understand why her OH was not involved in any of this at all.
Basically, she's out of pocket, and it shouldn't be her responsibility.

Iggly · 01/09/2011 20:36

Thanks for clarifying - was most confused when both posting names appeared on one thread

AuntiePickleBottom · 01/09/2011 20:38

perhaps in future there could be a joint saving account...lets say max of £500 for when you need to the money you can take it.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:38

I change back to my sweary self at 5pm

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/09/2011 20:42

I think this one you need to chalk up to experience. You did a nice thing, offering to pay half and sadly it looks like you have been taken advantage of. I can't see a lot of point going after the mum, tbh, as it could just turn a bit nasty with "you said, but you said" etc, but you should tell your OH what happened. he should pay you back, then take it up with her if he wants. If there is to be a next time, you can just politely tell other mum that you can't actually afford to pay half DSS's fare, unless he wants to wait until your OH is back or she wants to pay, and your OH will pay her back when he gets home.

I do think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here! She offered to pay the half of the fare that she could afford, and did a nice thing. She wasn't to know that the mum would renege on the agreement.

LydiaWickham · 01/09/2011 20:46

I would suggest if you can cope until your DP comes home you do and then ask him to deal with it, either getting her to pay you or him paying you, but you get your money asap. I don't think you need joint finances with a boyfriend you don't live with, there's nothing wrong with keeping your finances separate and him contributing as you go along when he adds costs to your household.

I think for the future, you need to discuss with your DP what will happen when he's away, if he wants you to entertain his DS and you are prepared to do it, then he should arrange it (flights can be booked months in advance, including flexible tickets if dates can't be firmed up until closer too), and he should leave the funds to pay for large costs like flights and for his DS's 'keep'.

Iggly · 01/09/2011 20:50

midori1999 · 01/09/2011 20:53

I think the only thing you can really do is to let your OH sort it out or give you the money when he gets back.

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