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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to fall out with DH over MIL

57 replies

mamalocco · 29/08/2011 22:05

MIL frequently has people staying with her and see my house as an extension of hers and invites her guests over to us. She did this again on Saturday - four people I've never met before and am unlikely to see again.

I cleaned the house, made dessert, welcomed them, made some polite small talk and excused myself from dinner. Pretty much kept out of their way and busied myself in the kitchen. Chatted to them (albeit briefly) and said goodbye at the end of the evening.

DH thinks IABU - hasn't spoken to me since. MIL is playing the injured party (emotional blackmail 'DH is my only son, I'm so lonely, I'm not well - cough, cough').

The bottom line is MIL is a control freak who will never let go of DH and he will never grow a pair and stand up to her (well, he does lose his temper frequently with her but she's on the phone most days 2 or 3 times - coughing and or crying).

What do I do? She is the only thing DH and I have ever argued over. I feel like she walks all over him and he feels I should support him and that I'm making him choose.

Sorry for the rant - its been a long weekend!!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 29/08/2011 22:08

Why is he not speaking to you? What are you supposed to have done wrong??

For what it is worth, I would either move away, or invite friends of my own round so that there is no room for her uninvited guests.

bubblesincoffee · 29/08/2011 22:09

Why isn't DH speaking to you? I'm stuggling to see what you are supposed to have done wrong!

He should be buying you very pretty things for being prepared to entertain strangers to keep his mother happy, and she owes you as well!

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 29/08/2011 22:10

Bizarre! Why couldn't she just have them at her house? I would hate this, esp. as my house is a mess!

BustersOfDoom · 29/08/2011 22:11

Quite frankly I would go out for the day. If she phoned I would say 'sorry I have plans but DH will be here' and if they just turned up - this being the third or fourth time she had done this - I would get my bag and go. I suspect your DH might change his mind if all the entertaining was left up to him!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 29/08/2011 22:12

Pay it back! refuse to talk to DH mine always caves first , and refuse to entertain MILs guests again!
When you do this, does MIL stump up for the food and alcohol?

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2011 22:14

Tell your dh that this is your house, not your MIL's and you will not tolerate her treating it as an extension of her own home. Either he mans up and tells her to have some respect for your personal space or you will do it yourself and are likely to be a lot less tactful.

I have no tolerance for men who get married and then continue to act like children. If he's old enough to have a wife, then he's old enough to behave like a husband.

And tell him to stop sulking - presumably he's not a bloody teenager!

Mightimama · 29/08/2011 22:16

You are so not BU. I think MIL's in general take a crash course in being the 'injured party' , tell DH you do support him, but not to the detriment of your & his relationship.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2011 22:16

Oh and put the phone on mute. No one needs to speak to their mother 3 times a day!

Original poster

mamalocco · 29/08/2011 22:16

Because I didn't have dinner with them - DH and I did have 'words' - out of their earshot because he knew that I didn't want them to come round. MIL didn't ask me if they could come - just that they would be. So gave her a bit of an earful too! DH can, obviously, invite who he wants round - the point is he didn't want them over any more than I did but MIL nags him and he gives into her everytime. I've lost count of the times she's done this.

squeaky - we moved last year (used to be 7.2 miles away - now 9.4 - apparently she feels this is to far and is threatening to move closer!!!).

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 29/08/2011 22:17

What everyone else said.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2011 22:19

You need to nip this in the bud. You are behaving like a doormat. Tell MIL that if she turns up with guests you will refuse her entry, because she is the one being rude and tell DH you mean it and he can either grow the fuck up or move back in with his mum.

Original poster

mamalocco · 29/08/2011 22:20

karma - that's pretty much what I did say - almost word for word! Problem is we've had them same argument time and time again - nothing changes.

I did leave the cooking/entertaining to DH - think he knew better to expect too much effort from me. I feel agrieved for him - although in his current sulky teenager state feel more like packing a bag for him and sending him back to his precious mother's!

OP posts:

ballstoit · 29/08/2011 22:20

Is MIL in sheltered accomodation or a very small flat/house? How strange to entertain guests in someone else's house...she wasn't appearing on Celebrity Come Dine with Me was she?

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2011 22:25

Well, mamalocco, nothing changes because you don't follow through. On the face of it this seems like a little thing to threaten ending a marriage over, but I would not be able to live with a manchild. This is about power, control and respect and as things stand neither your husband or your MIl have any of the latter, for you.

To put it bluntly, you need to shit or get off the pot.

Original poster

mamalocco · 29/08/2011 22:25

Its all for show - she wants to be seen as the great matriach of this loving family. When she's not bringing them over to me she is organising DH to take them all sight seeing or on airport runs.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2011 22:29

Well, it's up to you, but I'd not be letting her organise my life. The other thing, of course, is that it's very hard to feel attracted to a man who is weak and doesn't stand up for you or himself.

SouthernFriedTofu · 30/08/2011 01:48

If dh is happy to continue this way- i think you need to sort mil out.

TEll her firmly not in an argument that you don't want it and that if she invites people to your house you wont let them in.

HansieMom · 30/08/2011 02:33

At least she didn't invite them to stay over at yours!

EttiKetti · 30/08/2011 03:58

Empty threats is your issue, you say you said almost word for word what karma suggested, but clearly didn't follow it through. Until you do, this will continue.

LaLaLaLayla · 30/08/2011 04:32

I think you were rather rude not to eat with them. That must have been very awkward for everybody else.

troisgarcons · 30/08/2011 07:06

We've always lived very close to each other; in the same road infact, or just round the corner. It wouldnt occur to me (nor the In-Laws or the parents) not to billet friends/relatives round other relatives if there were too many for one house. But then, we do come from that sort of community.

hairfullofsnakes · 30/08/2011 07:10

Stop moaning start doing something about it! Why are you procrastinating? Tell her firmly you will NOT be having any more of HER guests in your house and if they turn up you will not answer the door. Bloody hell woman, just do something about it. What's the point in sayin 'yeah I know, blah, blah'

If you know do something as YOU allow this to happen

She treats you like crap because you let her. Bloody well stop it!

Wamster · 30/08/2011 08:39

A male friend of mine has exactly the same situation as yours; his mil lives close by and always putting guests up in his home. I don't know how he tolerates it, it would be rude to ask him- perhaps he doesn't mind, but you do mind.
Is there any room for compromise here? I -being me- wouldn't tolerate this sort of crap at any time, but then the prospect of living to mil would have me having panic attacks, anyway, but you -presumably- do not mind that much living near her? Or were you here first and she moved close by after you did?

If you refuse to have anybody staying over EVER AGAIN, then it will cause a major rift- do you want this? If so, then fine, I won't criticise you for it-mils can be a nightmare.

Are you prepared to move away? If so, brilliant. Getting physically away from here would help a lot.

If not prepared to do either of the above, perhaps compromise and say that you are willing to put people up no more than once or twice a year. That is an entirely reasonable proposition on your part and you will still be the good guy.

Squitten · 30/08/2011 08:45

Agree completely with Karma - you haven't followed through on your threat. Why are you making them dinner if they aren't welcome??

If you insist on being a doormat, don't be surprised when people wipe their shoes on you!

Mitmoo · 30/08/2011 08:49

OK I don't see it as you being a doormat as it is your husbands home as well as yours so if he is saying yes what can do you?

You need to tell MIL that it is your home too and she's out of order. No way will you tolerate it happening again and if she tries to you don't mind embarrassing her in front of her friends by refusing to allow them in.

You husband needs to back you and stop sulking or it will cause more rows.

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