to fall out with DH over MIL

[mamalocco]

MIL frequently has people staying with her and see my house as an extension of hers and invites her guests over to us. She did this again on Saturday - four people I've never met before and am unlikely to see again.

I cleaned the house, made dessert, welcomed them, made some polite small talk and excused myself from dinner. Pretty much kept out of their way and busied myself in the kitchen. Chatted to them (albeit briefly) and said goodbye at the end of the evening.

DH thinks IABU - hasn't spoken to me since. MIL is playing the injured party (emotional blackmail 'DH is my only son, I'm so lonely, I'm not well - cough, cough').

The bottom line is MIL is a control freak who will never let go of DH and he will never grow a pair and stand up to her (well, he does lose his temper frequently with her but she's on the phone most days 2 or 3 times - coughing and or crying).

What do I do? She is the only thing DH and I have ever argued over. I feel like she walks all over him and he feels I should support him and that I'm making him choose.

Sorry for the rant - its been a long weekend!!

He's learnt from the master, his mother!

Why haven't you gone Mt Vesuvius on him? 5 days! Bloody hell.

oh hell no.

there aint no choosing. As wife - i come first.

i remember my wise old nan pointing this out to me as a very young new wife - that my priority was my new family - not my old. my child, my dh - they were my family and extended family - who ...were nuclear family - were secondary

there are some priority issues. i wouldnt be second best, i couldnt respect a man who let his mother treat me badly.

dh can sulk all he wants, this just means he keeps his gob shut whilst i make myself heard.

sulking takes two i feel. one to do it - and one to ignore it. its hard to sulk if someone is faced with the other persons opinions full on, it's possible but hard to listen to someone elses POV and keep your own gob shut

I find that most MIL issues on mumsnet wind up being issues with the OP's spouse. This a classic one.

Can't stand up to mummy? Sulking like a teenager? Your DH needs to grow up.

Quite. He should treat his mother with respect (because you wouldn't love a man who didn't right?)but that doesn't mean he can't say, actually, sorry mum, this is not how we want to do things.

In my book, you fuck him, you WIN everything.

I would organise a party on facebook at your mils house, maybe on your dhs account

YANBU at all OP. Is this possibly a cultural thing? I.e. are they Italian, or Asian or something; a matriarchal culture where you are expected to always host family in your home at no short notice? If so, I can understand more the pressure that your DH feels under, but I still don't think it excuses his ridiculously childish behaviour and punishing you with prolonged sulks. I couldn't put up with that from a partner; has he always been like that? How do you handle it? Ignore and pretend everything's fine, or ignore him back, what? Once he's come out of his sulk, does he discuss the issue like an adult or do you just go on as if nothing's happened until the next time?

Custardo said "dh can sulk all he wants, this just means he keeps his gob shut whilst i make myself heard.
sulking takes two i feel. one to do it - and one to ignore it. its hard to sulk if someone is faced with the other persons opinions full on, it's possible but hard to listen to someone elses POV and keep your own gob shut"

I agree with that.