to fall out with DH over MIL

[mamalocco]

MIL frequently has people staying with her and see my house as an extension of hers and invites her guests over to us. She did this again on Saturday - four people I've never met before and am unlikely to see again.

I cleaned the house, made dessert, welcomed them, made some polite small talk and excused myself from dinner. Pretty much kept out of their way and busied myself in the kitchen. Chatted to them (albeit briefly) and said goodbye at the end of the evening.

DH thinks IABU - hasn't spoken to me since. MIL is playing the injured party (emotional blackmail 'DH is my only son, I'm so lonely, I'm not well - cough, cough').

The bottom line is MIL is a control freak who will never let go of DH and he will never grow a pair and stand up to her (well, he does lose his temper frequently with her but she's on the phone most days 2 or 3 times - coughing and or crying).

What do I do? She is the only thing DH and I have ever argued over. I feel like she walks all over him and he feels I should support him and that I'm making him choose.

Sorry for the rant - its been a long weekend!!

this would drive me insane, and in the past i have gone out when mil has visited against my wishes to make my point. if my husband wants to spend time with his parents then i make him spell it out also to prove a point, so it's not just them inviting themselves over whenever they feel like it. ditto with phone calls.

isn't it also your husband's house/home?

reverse psychology: mil we can't really spend any time with/chat/see you properly when you bring so many people with you. i'm sure your guests have come to see you and spend time with you.

i'm sure she'd have plenty of excuses/responses to that though: oh, i/they don't mind. then you can respond: well i do!

mamalocco, you might be telling your MIL that you don't want this to happen but your actions don't back this up- by cleaning and cooking for the benefit of guests you neither know nor want, you are allowing her to demonstrate that she can make you and your DH acquiesce to her will. Your DH might not want to cause a fuss, and yes, it's his house too- so why isn't he cleaning for them? Why can't he visit MIL and the friends at her house? You could be out , but then you shouldn't feel thrown out of your own home either. What would happen if you turned up at MIL's house with random people in tow?

Don't clean the house before they come- be cleaning / redecorating/clearing cupboards when they arrive ("Thanks for coming round to help- a brillo pad and an oven shelf each and we'll be done in no time! MIL, DH is just prepping the landing- be a love and hop up the stepladders with the polyfilla, would you? Just lift your legs while I hoover round you- I did tell MIL it was inconvenient, but you know what she's like for having her own way!)

Or be sitting about in your undies when they turn up (" we did say it wasn't convenient")

Have no food in to offer them , be just about to head out the supermarket .

Stop making it so damn easy for your MIL .

If everytime she tells you she is bringing people around and wants you to cook you allow her and her guests in the house and provide a meal, she is going to think it is Ok. The only thing to do is to say NO, even if she is at the door - answer the door (with stranger chain on) in your underwear if need be and tell her, that as you told her when she 'phoned you are busy. then tell DH to grow a pair, unless he wants to marry his mother. And if she tries to organise sightseeing tours and you do not want to then do not do them and again tell dh to grow a pair. Also hint that if she keeps doing this you will move further away.

I am going to go against the grain here.

I can absolutely see your frustration at your mil inviting people over to your house. I really can and it would drive me mad too.

But I think that once they were there, for you to essentially not eat with them and shut yourself away in the kichen was rude.

You need to have this conversation with your dh and/or your mil at a different time, but to snub guests who you have (albeit grudgingly) agreed to entertain is rude and I can see why your dh is pissed off.

The guests hadn't done anything wrong, and if I were invited over to someone's house and the hostess excused herself from dinner and spent the evening in the kitchen it's not the mil I would have the low opinion of.

I agree that if you want this to stop you have to discuss the situation with your husband in advance and make him see that his mother is treating you like her servant and if she wants to entertain guests then she should invite them to her house, you don't invite other people to someone els's house. You then need to clearly say no if she tries doing this again.

If however you haven't been assertive enough to say you don't want extra guests in the first place, or your husband has been adament he wants to invite these guests, then you either go out for the whole day, telling your husband and his parents that you will not be there as you aren't happy about the situation so it is known in advance you won't be there or you entertain them all properly. Behaving like a sulky teenager is silly.

It sounds as though this is mainly a marital problem between you and your husband though. If he wants to entertain his family's friends and his parents and you don't this will go on and on.

If your partner lets his mother do this, why are you playing any part at all? If your partner wants to clean, let him clean. If he wants to cook/change the bedding / make polite talk, let him. Stop playing the dutiful woman. But before you do any of this, tell him that you're going to be doing it in future. When he realises how much hassle the whole thing is, it will be easier for you to bring him round to your way of thinking concerning privacy/territory etc.

When my partner's sponging aunt came to stay a couple of years ago, I made it absolutely clear to him that should he let her stay for more than a few days (she wanted a fortnight!) - in our one bedroom flat (but even if we had the space, I'd have been making the same argument) - then he'd be forking out for me to stay in a nearby nice hotel. He got the message... but then again, he doesn't like her either!

I agree with everyone but also with wannaBe in particular. I think that your MIL is completely out of order and your DH is being a spineless wimp, and you should take everyone's advice in relation to making sure this never happens again.

However I also think that as soon as the guests stepped over your threshold you had a duty to be their hostess. It's not their fault and I bet they had no idea that they weren't invited - as far as they probably knew they were invited guests and had a perfect right to be there, and would have felt very unwelcome if you disappeared and refused to interact with them. I think you essentially handed over hostessing to your MIL, which basically lets her win - she is using your house for her entertaining and you look like the sulky one even though the situation is entirely the opposite.

I think (hope!) I would have tried to make the guests warmly welcome so that no one would have had any idea than MIL and I were anything but best buddies, so the guests leave thinking "goodness she was so lovely, MIL is lucky to have such a wonderful DIL" and then gone apeshit at MIL behind closed doors.

I do very much sympathise and understand your instincts to wash your hands of the whole thing but I do feel for the random guests who were put into an awful position by your horrendous MIL. There's nothing worse than being a guest and knowing that you have stumbled into a furious sulking atmosphere and not knowing if it's your fault or not.

LaLa-WTF!? You are calling the poster rude because she didn't want to eat with complete strangers,who she hadn't invited round and her MiL was using her house as a restaurant.I am gobsmacked!

I hope I didn't make them feel uncomfortable - it was never my intention. I was polite and made a reasonable excuse why I wasn't sitting down to dinner with them. I said goodbye at the end of the evening, thanked them for coming and again apologised for my absence.

I thought walking out when they arrived would have been more rude - DH had gone to pick them up in the car - I was at home with DCs so couldn't leave until he returned.

Yes I know I should do something about it. I cut off contact with MIL for a couple of years because of her interference but then DD2 was born so I started seeing her again and we slipped back into the bad old ways. I guess it comes down to whether I am being a doormat or am I making compromises that are sometimes necessary in families.

Was having a moan on Monday because I hadn't spoken to a grown up for a couple of days (DH still not talking but am don't consider him a grown up atm!!). Thanks for all comments.

What's your DH's perspective on all this? If he's really angry about this then he must have a very different view of what's acceptable and how families interact. What's he so annoyed about? Is he assuming that as his wife you become the junior skivvy and bottle-washer to a clan in which his mum continues to be the grand matriarch?

If so you need to have a discussion about first principles here as clearly he's going to keep expecting you to step up to a role that you quite obviously do not want at all (and nor do I blame you).

Hmmm... It's true that it's your husband's home too, but if he agrees to this against your wishes, then I would seriously not do ANYTHING to prepare for / feed / entertain them. Your MIL is not just using your home as an extension of hers - by getting you to do the work she is using you as unpaid cook / maid etc.

Bloke's opinion here... your DH needs to grow a pair, cut the apron strings and stand up to his mother. Yes, she'll pull the emotional blackmail stuff (poor me, I raised you and this is how you repay me.... yada. yada, yada) but he needs to put his foot down. Demand that he puts you first.

He is stuck in the middle between MIL and I. I appreciate that she gives him a hard time - she is the queen of emotional blackmail. He feels that I want it all my way and he has no say. He brought up the fact that my aunt stayed for two nights last year but feels his 'family' are not welcome. Its his house too, obviously he can invite who he wants - its his mother thinking its acceptable to invite herself and guests over that has upset me. I don't know why he doesn't get this.

He buries his head in the sand rather than confront his mother and my actions force him to deal with her (IMO) unreasonable requests which in turn results in more grief from her.

How long has he not been speaking to you? I would find that bloody worrying, with children in the family.

Since Saturday evening. Asked if he wanted to talk to clear the air Sunday evening - said no. He's been ok with DCs but is keeping clear of me atm. Leaving him to it. He has 'communication issues' - 3 day sulks are the norm but he has gone a couple of weeks before now.

Arrange a party for all your friends at his mum's house.

Its all for show - she wants to be seen as the great matriach of this loving family."
Ooh, now that as endless possibilities . Personally, I would warn her not to do it again, and that she would regret it if she did. And when she did it again, as she undoubtedly would, I would make no effort at all. And I would embarrass the fuck out of her. I would tell her guests exactly what was going on, that your MIL treated your house as an extension of your own and was disrespectful of you. I would ask them if they would ever treat their DILs in this manner, and what they thought about it.

But you're probably far too nice for that. So just enjoy thinking about it.

And it is your DH that is the real problem. Sulking? Not talking to you since Saturday? How do you think he would react if you were to hand him a packed overnight case and suggest he spent a few nights 9.4 miles away?

snigger @ 9.4 miles.

OP, A man sulking for 5 days with his own wife? That's horrible.

The way he is sulking is pathetic. I would deal with his mother directly. next time she telephones tell her tough. I would also tell DH to pack in sulking and acting like a child. I would also tell her friends if they do come around again exactly how her son behaves when he does not get his way. I am with whereyouleftit, he would come home to find a suitcase ont he driveway and a taxi on the way.

I wouldn't tolerate living with a sulking adult, divorce would be discussed.

I agree mil sounds like a nightmare, but what sticks out most to me is that your DH hasn't spoken to you since Saturday. In the past my DH has been guilty of being a big sulky baby but even he would never give ms the silent treatment for that long.

Can't believe this is still going on. Mamaloco, tell him this stops now or he packs a bag and fucks off to his mothers until he can behave like a grown up.

Am honestly struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship - he must be a nightmare to live with.

Would definitely tell your mil that it's her turn to host a party for you.

Get some of your friends that are aware of the situation and will be happy to turn up at your mil's on the night you have decided. And who will be happy to make mil feel uncomfortable in jer own home - so maybe forget to mention that it is also an Anne summers party or bible bashing group or whatever will annoy her!

Good luck - yanbu

OP your last post about the sulking is much more scary than anything about the MIL. Frankly I would say that she is not your major issue here!

What a nob!