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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my baby cry?

90 replies

Maternelle · 20/08/2011 17:18

This is DC3 so you would think I would know by now, but I am starting to have doubts.
She is 9w and I don't let her cry.
My mum, DH, aunties etc... tell me I should if I am satisfied that she is not hungry or dirty.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon with an acquaintance who has a 6-week-old that she let cry for what seemed like hours (probably 15/20 minutes). I felt like picking up her baby and cuddle/BF him. The thing is her older DCs are better behaved than mine, so her techniques might be better...
I won't change as I physically can't let my babies cry, but I would like to know what others do as I seem to be the odd one out.

OP posts:
GrownUpNow · 20/08/2011 17:21

Unless I couldn't actually do anything about it to stop her crying, I never let my DD cry until she was much much older. It was far less stressful that way, we co-slept and breastfed, so there was hardly ever the chance for her to work up to crying stage when she woke, I kept her in my arms or in a sling most of the time too. If I had another I would do exactly the same thing.

GetOrfMoiCarbsClaire · 20/08/2011 17:22

I agree with you, why leave such a small baby to cry? Just pick the baby up and cuddle it, isn't that the point of babies?

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 17:25

I also BF, co-sleep and use a sling, so she doesn't really get a chance to cry. But it seems I should for some reason.
The 6-week-old had a heart operation at birth, and his mum was saying that she doesn't really mind him crying as it makes his heart stronger Shock

OP posts:
zukiecat · 20/08/2011 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Avinalarf · 20/08/2011 17:28

I picked both of mine up whenever they cried. Trust your own instincts. You have done this twice before, remember Smile

GetOrfMoiCarbsClaire · 20/08/2011 17:30

Maternelle that mother of the 6 week old sounds like a heartless and stupid woman. Dear god.

I think what you are doing is far better. I pretty much had dd glued to me until I went back to work.

ShoutyHamster · 20/08/2011 17:30

I wouldn't let my DD cry, ever.

Why would you? I want to teach her that we will be there for her.

Surely that's the most important and central thing for them to know.

The rest can come later!!

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 17:31

I won't change as I absolutely can't bear to hear them cry but I was just wondering if I was in the minority.

OP posts:
duchesse · 20/08/2011 17:31

I agree with you. I have 4 and have never left any of them to cry. They are not turning out badly imo apart from 18yo DS being a lazy tyke.

DuelingFanjo · 20/08/2011 17:32

I won't do it either.

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine · 20/08/2011 17:32

I don't think I left dd2 to cry until she was over 6 months. Babies cry for more reasons than just being hungry/dirty.

GetOrfMoiCarbsClaire · 20/08/2011 17:32

I think that it is fine to leave a baby for a few minutes to cry if it has cried non stop and you are about to crack up, and need a break.

But to leave a baby deliberately to 'train' it - that is heartless and cruel imo.

pozzled · 20/08/2011 17:35

I don't let DD2 cry, but I have to say that I have been tempted to once or twice. She's 10 weeks and when she gets tired takes a long time to settle, to the point where it feels like I might as well just leave her as nothing I do seems to make any difference.

But, no, I couldn't just leave her crying without at least cuddling her.

BertieBotts · 20/08/2011 17:39

I agree with GetOrf.

Everyone else's children are always more well behaved than your own, BTW. It's because they save the really bad stuff for when they're alone with you Grin

FairyArmadillo · 20/08/2011 17:44

I wouldn't leave a 9wk old to cry. Ex's uncle had a go at me for not letting him cry because, "that's what babies do. He doesn't cry enough." There's always someone who does things differently from you. But I did hold DS when he was a baby a lot because I read somewhere that this makes a baby more secure. And I just loved holding him (PFB!).

camdancer · 20/08/2011 17:48

Another one creating a rod. DC3 is 10 weeks and never left to cry. Even if I can't work out what the problem is, surely crying while you are being held is preferable to crying alone.

I do agree with GetOrf - there are times when I have to leave her for my sanity but even then 5 mins feels like hours.

lindy100 · 20/08/2011 17:48

I also bf and used a sling, so that DD never had a chance to work herself up - I'm totally with you.

DSis has a young DC (less than 6 months) and she cries a lot. Tbh, I find it really difficult to listen to, but her choice. Not mine though. YANBU.

banana87 · 20/08/2011 17:49

I didn't leave DD to cry until she was a year old, and then it was only if I could tell she wasn't serious and only for 5 minutes. I think 'training' babies younger than 6 months is cruel and abusive and does a lot more damage than good. Trust your instincts, you are a good mum.

janelikesjam · 20/08/2011 17:50

I didn't let my baby cry because I hated the sound. Even now I can't stand it when I am in the street or the supermarket. Yet before I had children I couldn't have given a toss. I think my maternal instinct kicked in and now I'm stuck with it!

Babies only cry if they want their mum or they are hungry/dirty. The only time my son cried in the 6 months, I knew he was ill.

Maternalle as per your name you are just being maternal and doing the right thing.

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 17:52

She absolutely loves her kids and spend every free minutes with them. She can't bear to be apart from them, and yet she happily leaves the baby to cry for ages.
While, although they are my world, I happily spend a few days apart from my kids (not the baby), and admit happily that I also enjoy kid-free time.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 20/08/2011 17:52

Leaving a baby to cry alone, why would anyone do this, its just the most heartbreaking desperate sound in the world... to me anyway.

babycham42 · 20/08/2011 17:57

To me it seems bizarre to think you could "train" a baby that young in any way by leaving them to cry.
Even when older if mine cried, for example, if I wanted them to go to sleep for themselves in their cot,I would stay with them and stroke their heads so they felt secure.

nickelbabe · 20/08/2011 17:57

no, she's 9weeks old.
she doesn't care about hungry and dirty.
she cares about being comforted and held closely.

If you don't want to keep picking her up, what about a sling to carry her in?
then you can get on with your stuff.

you really won't spoil her.

:)

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 20/08/2011 18:02

I can't understand how parents can bear to leave their babies to cry. We've just got back from a holiday with a family who heartily believe in leaving babies to cry, and think we're spoiling our three rotten by pandering to them, and their 3yo DS is the whiniest child I've ever met. I reckon he was crying and whingeing for about 90% of his waking hours. I'm sure that not getting the attention he needs when he needs it has something to do with it. I felt like Lady Smug of Smug Villas by the end of the week.

ThatWomanAgain · 20/08/2011 18:02

ah, my 16 month old has never probably cried in his life for more than 3 min! He's a perfectly pleasant happy child despite 'spoiling' in response to ceaseless crying (allergies/ reflux) early. In fact he's calmed down from sounding like the spawn of satan 23/7 being pretty difficult as a small baby. No 'training', just calm cuddles and love. As a rule follow YOUR instinct.