Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my baby cry?

90 replies

Maternelle · 20/08/2011 17:18

This is DC3 so you would think I would know by now, but I am starting to have doubts.
She is 9w and I don't let her cry.
My mum, DH, aunties etc... tell me I should if I am satisfied that she is not hungry or dirty.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon with an acquaintance who has a 6-week-old that she let cry for what seemed like hours (probably 15/20 minutes). I felt like picking up her baby and cuddle/BF him. The thing is her older DCs are better behaved than mine, so her techniques might be better...
I won't change as I physically can't let my babies cry, but I would like to know what others do as I seem to be the odd one out.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 20/08/2011 18:04

i actually had a conversation like this with my mum earlier.
a woman had come in to buy a singing/nursery rhyme CD for a 6week old.
fair enough, no problem there. but then she explained it was because the 6wo was "gettign livelier by the day and i wasnted something to calm him down". she was the grandmother.

anyway i told my mum about this, and she agreed with the grandmother! Shock
and went on to say that my sister wouldn't leave my niece to cry, o stayed with her next to the bed, and now she "has" to stay by her bed every night till she's asleep.
I said, that's more likely the habit she's got into rather than because she did it when DN was tiny.

it's amazing that people seem to think leaving a baby to cry is somehow a rewarding thing! that putting it in another room to sleep/cry it out is a good thing, that it "instills a routine"
bollocks! how can it! in such a tiny baby!

nature says that babies need to feel close to their family, that they need the body warmth and the feeling of being loved and cared for.

ThatWomanAgain · 20/08/2011 18:04

oh I need to qualify me post... never cried ALONE for more than 3 min. lol, he's cried HOURS and HOURS whilst being spoilt as much as humanly possible with cuddles, food and bottom changes.

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 20/08/2011 18:06

I agree, Nickelbabe, about the idea that leaving a baby to cry is somehow rewarding, whereas sitting with a child (even, God forbid, cuddling them) while they drop off is some kind of torture. Really, some people are barking.

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 18:06

I had DD in a sling on the beach yesterday and BF her regularly so she did not cry at any point. Her DS cried A LOT.
DS who is 3 would not keep his swimming trunks on and the other mum was a bit annoyed/alarmed with this. I did try to get him to put them back on but couldn't really wrestle him down with DD in the sling.
I then wondered what annoyed people more on the beach: my naked DS or her crying newborn?

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 20/08/2011 18:07

exactly.
it hasn't spoiled my niece - she's a very independent young lady. :)

ThatWomanAgain · 20/08/2011 18:07

My last 2p....

My ds really was the original child from hell regarding not sleeping. Talking every 30/45 min for most the first year (not his fault largely, medical) but he now goes to sleep in seconds alone in a room. He's never trained but being happy and secure I believe they grow into it anyway when they are ready.

RitaMorgan · 20/08/2011 18:08

I don't leave my 1 year old to cry even now if there's something I can do to help him (obviously if he's just whinging for a biscuit I don't just give him one, but if he is upset in the night I always go to him).

I don't understand how anyone can deliberately leave a tiny baby to cry. I know what you mean about wanting to cuddle/BF other people's babies!

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 18:09

You can't spoil a small baby by holding it. They're crying because they want comfort - it's cruel to just let them cry for the sake of it.

It's not as though you can get anything done when they're crying anyway. I felt like running round in circles crying when my two screamed. I suppose you could vacuum, but I think they'd overpower that, too.

pigletmania · 20/08/2011 18:09

Oh my baby has cried and cried, despite me rocking, feeding changing her. She used to have colic and would cry from 9am-9pm, every day until about 4 months it was hell. Yes I did used to leave her for a few mins while I made a cup of tea and it did feel like enternity. I am currently pg with dc 2 so i have a sling and plan on using it with this dc. When the colic crying stopped, the teething started and more crying inconsolably. One night of non stop crying I did try to leave her crying it out, it did not work she got so worked up, I thought never again.

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 18:11

nickelbabe I told DH what happened on the beach and he said that we were two extremes and that there probably was a middle ground. My mum also tells me to leave them to cry "a bit", to which I always ask "Why would I do that? What purpose would it serve?" I don't get it.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 20/08/2011 18:14

You don't get "it" because it doesn't make sense. Forget what other people do/say. Its your life, your child, and it sounds to me like your maternal instinct is alive and well!

babybythesea · 20/08/2011 18:14

I was having a chat with a midwife when I was having a hard night just after my dd was born.

His attitude was that if you leave a baby to cry then they learn that there won't be anyone there for them when they need it. If you pick them up, he felt they actually fret less in the long run because they feel secure - they know you'll come if they need you. They can either learn the world is a comforting place with someone there when they need it, or that they are left on their own when they want company.

I have also read somewhere (I have no idea where though so it could be rubbish I'm spouting!) that if you leave them to cry and they eventually stop fussing, it's because they've learnt that there's no point, not that they have learnt to self-soothe, IYSWIM. So you have a very stressed and upset baby lying in silence because crying doesn't achieve anything.

I don't know how true that is, but I never left mine and she is now a contented 2yo who is quite capable of amusing herself for ages without my input so it certainly doesn't make them over-dependent on you.

Leaving them to cry because you can't take listening to their crying any more is different - walking away for a few minutes might help to keep you sane and them safe, but that's not what you're meaning, is it?

BlowHole · 20/08/2011 18:15

An acquaintance of mine was talking about her weeks old grandson, saying they left him to cry because he wasn't hungry or dirty he "just wanted attention'
Really? How unreasonable of him! Hmm

VeronicaCake · 20/08/2011 18:16

Hopefully most people won't have been upset by either. Babies cry and three year olds love whipping their clothes off, neither should be a source of annoyance (unless you are the parent).

I think you sound lovely but I don't think your friend sounds cruel either. It is a mistake to assume that the choices we make in the first few months make a huge difference in the long-term. There isn't any evidence for this, the best evidence does suggest that children of responsive mothers seem more settled at 6m, but tracking the effects into later childhood is nigh-on impossible because so many other variables muck up your data. And responsiveness is partly a personality trait not a learnt behaviour. Some of us cuddle and feed our babies at every cry it because that is the way we are wired (like you), some of us try to maintain routines because that is what enables us to be the best parents we can be.

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 18:19

That's interesting Veronica because in every other aspect she seems to be a very attentive mum.

OP posts:
GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/08/2011 18:27

it would have been impossible for me never to have let DS2 cry. I was dealing with a toddler as well and juggling the needs of both children. "Baby-wearing" was not around in my day but I doubt it would have appealed to me. Nor did I co-sleep because that would have been a misnomer (ie no sleep for me)

I did allow both boys to cry for a few minutes as they settled to sleep - I saw it as allowing them to self-settle. I'm talking about a cry that doesn't ratchet up. Lots of babies cry a bit as they wind down to sleep. In fact I think I undermined DS1s ability to self-settle by picking him up for every sound.

Secrecy · 20/08/2011 18:27

It's horrible when other people tell you how to raise your children, and being a mum of three you are hardly a novice! You've already said that you can't change what you're doing. Now you just need the confidence to know that your choice is OK. Just because other people did / do things differently, that doesn't mean you should question your own judgement. Raspberries to the lot of them!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/08/2011 18:34

YANBU, by the way

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 18:34

Thanks Secrecy. I think I do need validation although deep down I know I am doing a good job. But I find it weird to be the odd one out in RL.
GetAway I have to deal with DD1 and DS who are both under 5 and DD2 sometimes has to grumble a bit as I have to attend to an "emergency".
The sling is a a godsend.

OP posts:
fifitrixibellesmith · 20/08/2011 18:36

its really up to you, but its my instinct to pick up a crying baby and comfort it

that said, it does make me smile at the people who say oooh my baby wont let me put it down - that is daft and will be very uncomfortable when baby is 9 years old lol

SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/08/2011 18:40

One of the reasons small babies cry is that they are knackered and want to be left the fuck alone so they can go to sleep

This is a lesson I learnt the hard way with DD2 when I left her for a few minutes one day during her daily 4pm freakout because i desperately needed a wee and came back to find her sleeping blissfully.

From that day on I put her down to sleep in the carry cot when I felt the freakout coming on, but on the days I failed to anticipate it and she got hysterical, I would let her cry for 5 minutes until she went to sleep.

Better for her by far than hours of screaming in seeming pain that no amount of rocking or breastfeeding would help.

Doing what is best for you baby doesn't always line up with your personal preferences, or affectations about how other people's parenting causes you physical pain because you are sooooo caring Hmm

PoppyDoolally · 20/08/2011 18:42

Op please please trust yourself to know what is right for your little one.

I'm a first timer with a 7month old. I know I'm a total novice. But one thing I've stuck to is to treat crying as the only form of communication they have when they are small.

They might only be communicating 'mummy I need a cuddle I miss you' or 'there are loads of people I don't know here and I'm a bit scared, please hold me and show me it's all ok' but surely if the nappy is clean and baby is fed so there is nothing else to be done save cuddling baby then what on earth is wrong with holding your baby and soothing her?

Baby is a human being. I couldn't sit back and let, say, my mum cry her eyes out without trying everything to help her and to give her warmth and love and a cuddle so why would anyone deem it acceptable to do that to a baby?

Next time a relative says such stupid shit to you perhaps suggest that if you ever saw them distraught you would leave them to cry it out. No cup of tea. No arm round shoulder. How would THEY like it.

Original poster
Maternelle · 20/08/2011 18:42

Affectations?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 20/08/2011 18:48

it is her way of communicating, she may not want to feed, need to be changed and just simply want to be held and the idea that a baby can manipulate you is ridiculous, why is cry and wanting your attention being manipulative

i never left ds to cry, carried him around in a sling at home of course according to some this was going to make him clingy. he is not clingy at all quite the opposite

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 20/08/2011 18:48

haven't read the whole thread...

I have three children, won't be having anymore, don't want them.

But it does occur to me when I see kids crying that are real weeners, that I am amazed that parents are allowing precious baby cuddles to pass them by. SOme are just crying babies, that's what they do (my first child cried incessantly....) but honest to God, if you can't cuddle a baby, what the FUCK are they there for?
it is a natural instinct for a mother or a father to pick up their crying child and cuddle them.

PLEASE don't miss out on these moments. IF anybody else thinks otherwise, no offence to you but utter bollocks. I won't have newbie cuddles again and I valued them so much!

Awwww. Cuddling babies. It ROCKS! Enjoy your child!