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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is this foul?

63 replies

RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:12

We have a house guest, DP's best friend (emigrated and he doesn't see him often), so we had breakfast this morning with a mutual friend at our place.

I think I am possibly being a bit U as I instinctively don't really like this man and it's only the second time I've met him, so I haven't given him the benefit of the doubt.

He helped himself to something that I was saving for my lunch (no big deal, although I am on a diet so I was a little peeved that my treat had gone, but that's part and parcel of hosting) and then licked his knife and stuck it back in for a second helping. There is no way I can cut off what his knife touched because there's so little left and I just sat there, silently swearing, a) because I think it's foul and b) because I would never behave like that when staying with other people.

He then tried to cut a slice of the cake I made with the same knife (which had cut three other foods by this point). I couldn't help myself and shoved the cake knife (right next to the cake) into his hand and mumbled something about it being my particular neurosis.

I think my problem is more with DP than this man - he's staying six nights, DP is working full days and I'm meant to be working from home (small flat - I work in the living room). We go away for ten days next week (the day after this guy leaves) and I need to finish my work. I can't afford to commute every day and don't feel like I should leave to the public library when it's DP's guest. Argh!

OP posts:
ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 19/08/2011 10:20

Sounds a bit yuck, but is he used to living on his own and just not thinking properly?
Can you work at home with him there? Are you up to being blunt and telling him to be out of the flat until 6?
If not, then the library seems the alternative.
But at least you know now that you dislike house guests, and can avoid having them in the future.

AlpinePony · 19/08/2011 10:22

YABU to get your knickers in a twist over "your special treat" when you could've quite easily said "sorry, that's mine - help yourself to anything else of course".

ledkr · 19/08/2011 10:23

yanbu thats vile, also i think if dh's mate is staying then dh should be there entertaining him and showing him the knife drawer Grin

Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:26

There were so many knives on the table! That's why I was so [bleugh]

DP got all the food out and I should have put it back in the fridge before he got up (telling him not to eat it would have been rude) but then DP would have told me not to be a princess. I know I was being princess-y about it and I think it's fuelled my annoyance with the knife thing.

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Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:28

I'm not up to telling him to bog off, although I have stressed how much I need to work. They went out last night and I stayed in to work and go on MN.

He's gone out for a walk now, thank goodness. Work also involves listening to recordings so I feel v rude sitting here with earphones in. Can't be helped. Any other time in September would have been great - or earlier in the summer - but this week is just not ideal. I thought DP would organise for later and by the time I knew the dates the flights had been booked (it was booked a week ago).

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 19/08/2011 10:30

As she said that the chap eating the treat was no big deal and part and parcel of hosting, I don't think it's fair to say that the OP is getting her knickers in a twist about it.

But she is entirely within her rights to have her knickers in a twist over the licking the knife and then reusing it to cut cake/take another serving of food with - that is manky behaviour.

I think it would be better to tell this chap directly that it's bad manners and unhygienic to put utensils with your saliva on them back into food that others have to share. Be polite but firm - you aren't asking him to go along with some unusual rule followed only in your household - you are asking him to observe a basic rule of table manners!

lifechanger · 19/08/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/08/2011 10:33

Oh I am SO with you OP. People are disgsting. I also work from home and some guests piss me off so much! I hate the manners...or lack of them....tht most people think pass for acceptable. I had one friend of my DHs stay and every morning he took a bath and LEFT HIS GREY WATER IN THERE! I had o get DH to tell him.

Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:36

Mumbling I had to shower after him this morning and he didn't rinse the shower [double bleugh]

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Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:37

Although grey bath water does trump shower hairs... what was that guy thinking?!

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sniffy · 19/08/2011 10:38

I'm a bit of a slob with extremely low standards but your husband's friend is acting like an ill mannered chimp.

I instinctively don't like him either, and I've never even seen him.

sniffy · 19/08/2011 10:39

please use this thread as a bloutlet . ( that's a Blog/outlet. I just made that up) as I fear much worse to come over the next six days.

TheMonster · 19/08/2011 10:39

You will go mad with this man in your house! Could you politely point out things that are bothering you as they arise?

TheMonster · 19/08/2011 10:40

bloutlet Grin I like it!

SconesForTea · 19/08/2011 10:45

YANBU. Foul. I would have to say something to him if he's going to be around for another 5 days. Urgh.

Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:49

I think I could say something if it happens again. Hopefully it won't. There are Saturday and Sunday breakfasts to get through (fingers crossed he chooses cereal like he did yesterday). He's going out tonight so that's another meal gone.

DP wouldn't back me up - he used to do this himself until I made him aware of just how vile I thought it was. In fact, they used to be house mates, so that would explain a lot!

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Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 10:50

sniffy Love the idea of a bloutlet!

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StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 19/08/2011 10:52

What we need is some sort of Mumsnet organisation, where we pair up a mumsnetter who needs to tell a friend/colleague/acquaintance/relative something that will not go down well, with another mumsnetter who is a stranger to both parties, and so will have no qualms about setting the person straight about their filthy habit/poor personal hygiene/feral children.

sniffy · 19/08/2011 10:54

I once had my then husband's friend to stay with us for two weeks.

On the first day , before he sat down he took out the contents of his trouser pocket and sat them next to the sofa - car keys, spare change , .... and a box of condoms.

sniffy · 19/08/2011 10:55

RoseC I am looking forward to your bloutlet posts, and I am sorry you may have to suffer for your art

SenoritaViva · 19/08/2011 10:58

I think you are perfectly in your right to say 'there are loads of knives on the table can you please not use a knife you have licked to cut food that we are all going to be tucking into'. Nothing rude about that.

I also think if you need to work you need to work. If it involves headphones all the better. You can say to him 'there's X, Y and Z in the fridge if you're here for lunch (along with 'do use as many knives as you need!' sorry I've got to work, not trying to be rude but must get this done before we go away next week'. Stick to your routine, he's there for 6 nights you cannot be expected to entertain him during this time. Make him a cuppa when you make yours, suggest some nice cafes/things to do locally etc. Tell him you are really sorry but that limits Tv/music due to headphone requirement (I presume this is part of the problem). Frankly the guy will have to just entertain himself (and give him plenty of time to clean the shower if he's a bit bored!)

flaminglip · 19/08/2011 11:02

mean mean mean of your DP to invite friend (who you don't even like) to stay and not take time off work to keep him out of your hair company.

My DP takes time off work when his Dad visits us (DIL drinks like a fish when in this country) as he knows I've got our kids to look after and work to do.

Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 11:10

Well, I did agree to his friend staying (fair enough as DSis stayed a fortnight ago but it was for two days, they get on very well, she had a car for trips [I don't] and I was at home whilst DP was working).

To be fair to DP this friend lived here for eight years so yesterday, for example, he went to his old workplace and DP told me he expected this guy to leave in the morning and return at night. However most of his friends work during the day. If I could work elsewhere comfortably or he was just here for the weekend then I wouldn't be annoyed.

He's back now and hiding in his room, which doesn't have a TV/radio and he does't have a laptop with him - so now I feel mean. Must. Stay. Strong.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByATroll · 19/08/2011 11:16

Sorry but I really need to know what the treat was , and why were you offering cake for breakfast ?

Original poster
RoseC · 19/08/2011 11:37

Haha :) The treat was a vegetarian pate (really nice btw, Mexican Bean Pate from Tesco) - I don't eat pork and find non-pork pate either vile or expensive so I don't get it very often. DP had bought it for me to cheer me up about the lack of cheese I've been eating whilst on the diet (I love really calorific cheese and would eat it for lunch, dinner and by itself).

Cake was DP's doing. He's not English and has some funny different ideas about what constitutes breakfast. It was a banana cake though, so I suppose not as bad as chocolate. There was cake, bread, boiled eggs (which he and our mutual friend ate with mustard - apparently this is normal in other countries?), cheese, pate, pouring yoghurt (which they drank - again apparently normal rather than putting on cereal?), fruit juice and Marmite. I'm the only one who eats Marmite. Apparently English people are weird for doing so.

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