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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter's boyfriend has virtually moved in

72 replies

unreliablenarrator · 04/08/2011 00:23

Disclaimer: I'm a bloke (am I allowed on here?). Anyway, I have a (female) partner of 22 years and we have a daughter aged 18. She (daughter) has had the odd boyfriend staying overnight and sometimes longer. However, several weeks ago she met a guy (20) at a rock festival who lives 65 miles away. He has virtually moved in and spends the greater part of every week (4-5 days) living with us. I am having a lot of problems with the shear amount of time he spends here which is threatening our relationship. My partner isn't bothered and gets very angry at my protestations. In the past 6 weeks my daughter has only spent 3 nights at his parents (although they made her welcome she prefers to be at home). I sometimes suspect that my partner flatters herself and acts a little coquettish in the presence of our daughter's young male friends and I often wonder whether she would be less tolerant if we had a son who constantly had his girlfriend to stay and it was me doing the Leslie Philips routine.

Sorry if the foregoing sounds a bit incoherent as I'm tired and posting late at night. Am I being unreasonable in objecting to my daughter's boyfriend spending so much time under our roof? Should his parents make a contribution to his board?

Thank you for any responses.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/08/2011 00:27

He's 20, he should be contributing towards his keep under your roof!

NB, this is the theory, good luck with that in practice.

caramelwaffle · 04/08/2011 00:36

He is now practically a lodger - working out how much you would like to/think you should charge is a beginning.

I think you may, just may find him scuttling back home quicker than you can say freebie when/if you set things out formally to him (and your daughter)

squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 00:38

I am amazed that you would actually allow your daughter to just move a stranger into your home, but I suspect that the real issue here is between you and your partner.

maras2 · 04/08/2011 00:41

You're the adult.Make the rules.No way would I have put up with this nonsense when Maras Jr. was that age.Get your partner on side and kick his ass out.I can't see anything nice about parents who want to be 'more friends than mother / father and daughter '.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/08/2011 06:34

Your daughter and boyfriend are adults. Best tactic is to sit them both down and have a 'serious talk'. Ask what his plans for the future are, when he intends to marry her, a list of chores that need doing around the home and place a reasonable price on board and lodging for the pair of them... so that they have to get jobs to pay you. You'll either see a clean pair of heels from him or they'll knuckle down and start pulling their weight. Your partner's flirting means she's being is a silly old woman and probably looks fairly pathetic to the boyfriend....

AurraSing · 04/08/2011 07:04

You need to discuss what you expect from them in terms of rent/days he spends in your home. Admittedly that isn't going to be straightforward when your partner seems to be happy with the situation.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/08/2011 07:06

I sometimes suspect that my partner flatters herself and acts a little coquettish in the presence of our daughter's young male friends and I often wonder whether she would be less tolerant if we had a son who constantly had his girlfriend to stay and it was me doing the Leslie Philips routine

This is the real issue, isn't it? You don't seem to be objecting to the cost as much as you're objecting to your partner...flirting with her daughter's boyfriend? Is that what you think is happening?

malovitt · 04/08/2011 07:08

It depends on a number of things.
How big is your house?
Does he work or is he lounging around on your sofa all day?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/08/2011 07:23

" ....and it was me doing the Leslie Philips routine"

Leslie Philips image is of smooth-talking old cheeseball. Can you imagine the reaction of your hypothetical son's hypothetical girlfriend to you behaving that? Well that's how your DD's boyfriend is feeling.... his toes are curling every time she bats a wrinkly eye. Try not to be insecure on that score.

33goingon64 · 04/08/2011 07:34

Er, stupid question but did your DD not ask permission for him to stay this long? I can't imagine having done this in my parents' house. Yes, boyfriends to stay but only one night at a time. Are they earning or are they students? Either way, he should certainly be contributing at least to the cost of food he presumably eats tons of. But I think he shouldn't be there full stop unless you and your DP are both happy with it, and I don't think you ABU for not liking it. You do need DP on your side to present a united front though.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 07:46

Since you seemed to have strayed into it I would discuss it on a formal basis-work out how much time and ask for a contribution to living expenses. However you do need the united front with DP.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 08:34

I think it would be fine to say to your daughter that her boyfriend is most welcome to stay 2 or 3 nights per week but you would prefer to have some guest free time during the week. It's difficult because this is her home and naturally she wants to have her boyfriend with her as much as possible. still, it's your home too and it is hard to feel totally relaxed when you have a stranger there all the time. She probably hasn't thought about it that way because he isn't a stranger to her. I think you should talk to her about this, because often 18 year olds only see things from their perspective unless another viewpoint is put clearly in front of them. They don't instinctively consider other people.

I agree with the other posters that it is your partners behaviour which is really getting to you. She is being disrespectful to you. I would hate it if my partner did this. She might not be aware that her behaviour alters in his company, so I think you two need to talk. Am not sure how this can be done tactfully, but it does need to be done, because it is making you unhappy.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 09:24

I don't think you should have a talk about money. That only applies if you are happy to have him stay.

You need to tell your daughter that he's welcome to stay sometimes, but that she has moved far too fast with this relationship. She's only 18 and she's virtually living with someone she barely knows. The fact she wants to has nothing to do with it. You have to protect her from herself - she needs to be still seeing her friends and spending time with her family and alone.

She won't like it, of course she won't.

By the way, does she work? Is she going to university? What were her plans before she met this guy?

Oh and does he work? I'm assuming he doesn't as he's happy to be 65 miles away from home for 4 -5 days a week.

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 09:36

Are you my husband? (My 18 year old's 20 year old boyfriedn, otherwise known as 'the squatter' practically lives at our house too)

RevoltingPeasant · 04/08/2011 09:45

I think you need to sit down with your partner and daughter (not the bf) and say that you feel uncomfortable having someone you don't know around all the time. She can have him over a couple of nights a week OR maybe 2 weekends per month, but this is your home too. You don't want to stop the relationship but you do want to be able to walk around in your pants on a morning or watch what you want on tv or ring up your brother for a private convo without worrying about someone walking in.

Put it like this, and I don't think any reasonable person can object. I would not ask the bf for money - it sounds rather scrounging - and I wouldn't bring up the 'flirting' because your partner will just deny it and then go ape on you.

My mum recently had a situation like this with my 21yo sister who still lives at home. It was solved when freeloading bf decided that if he couldn't freeload, it wasn't worth it. Honestly, relationships at that age may very well only be a few months - this may be over by the time Sept rolls round.

Grit your teeth ;)

thebody · 04/08/2011 09:48

your dd is and adult and so is her bf... I have kids this age and no way would I put up with this... if you dont want him there say so and tell him to go home... nicely of course but be firm...

is your dd working?? does she pay rent or contribute to food/bills?.. if not why not.... if she a student fair enough but so are mine and they have holiday jobs.. has she???

does your partner work?? is she pissed off about keeping 2 adults fed and them not contributing... you seem to have a few concerns with her behaviour but sure its innocent..

if you dd likes it at home then she wont be moving out to live with bf anytime soon.. you are just making it easy for them to doss with you so they are..

get tough....

kazmus · 04/08/2011 09:56

'his toes are curling every time she bats a wrinkly old eye'....it is quite feasible that this woman is only in her late 30's or early 40's! Hardly wrinkly and you're tellingme boys in 20's cant fancy an older woman?! Should still tell both to contribute to housekeeping though, (says mum whose 24 year old has just returned home for nothing!)

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 04/08/2011 10:00

There is no need for them to spend every night together, at 18/20 that is not healthy. Do they work/study? Maybe it's because it's the holidays. Anyway I think you need to lay some ground rules regarding how many nights he stays, I'd say 2 max TBH.

squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 10:03

It's difficult because this is her home and naturally she wants to have her boyfriend with her as much as possible

It may be her home, but it is her parents house, and she should have a bit more respect for them. My mothers mantra was "when you leave home, you can do whatever you like, but while you are under my roof, you abide by my rules". Old fashioned it may be, but I didnt sleep with a boyfriend at my mothers ever.. the first man I slept with in the same bed at my mums was my husband after we got married. It was my parents house, and I respected that.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 10:07

I was shocked that you'd let other boys stay over. Is she used to bringing casual boyfriends back to stay the night?

I know there have been threads about this, but until they reach a certain age, any boy/girlfriends in this house have to sleep on the sofa.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 04/08/2011 10:20

It's your house( as in the parents) decide and let them know but it has to be a joint thing.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 04/08/2011 10:43

YANBU to be pissed off if 5 out of 7 days you are having your space/privacy invaded, your food eaten and your utility bills run up by this relative stranger. It is unreasonable of your partner not to listen to your concerns without getting angry.

Are your concerns purely practical (he's in your way) and financial (he is taking out but not putting in) or are they more emotional, you feel jealous of the attention he is getting from your daughter/partner?

If the former then you need to lay down the ground rules - if he is going to stay he will have to buy his own food and make a contribution to bills.

If the latter I think you would be right to feel some emotions as far as your partner is concerned, she should be championing you over this ligger.

It sounds to me like this relationship (daughter/ligger) is rather intense and thus may burn out very quickly. I hope so for your sake.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 10:47

Is nobody else concerned about an 18 year old who brings a complete stranger home and immediately sleeps with him and expects him to stay for several days a week?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/08/2011 12:12

"it is quite feasible that this woman is only in her late 30's or early 40's! "

If I remember my early 20's, anyone over 27 was pretty much Methuselah... He's shagging the 18 yo so what does he want with Mrs Robinson?

noddyholder · 04/08/2011 12:13

Just say no!

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