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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter's boyfriend has virtually moved in

72 replies

unreliablenarrator · 04/08/2011 00:23

Disclaimer: I'm a bloke (am I allowed on here?). Anyway, I have a (female) partner of 22 years and we have a daughter aged 18. She (daughter) has had the odd boyfriend staying overnight and sometimes longer. However, several weeks ago she met a guy (20) at a rock festival who lives 65 miles away. He has virtually moved in and spends the greater part of every week (4-5 days) living with us. I am having a lot of problems with the shear amount of time he spends here which is threatening our relationship. My partner isn't bothered and gets very angry at my protestations. In the past 6 weeks my daughter has only spent 3 nights at his parents (although they made her welcome she prefers to be at home). I sometimes suspect that my partner flatters herself and acts a little coquettish in the presence of our daughter's young male friends and I often wonder whether she would be less tolerant if we had a son who constantly had his girlfriend to stay and it was me doing the Leslie Philips routine.

Sorry if the foregoing sounds a bit incoherent as I'm tired and posting late at night. Am I being unreasonable in objecting to my daughter's boyfriend spending so much time under our roof? Should his parents make a contribution to his board?

Thank you for any responses.

OP posts:

controlpantsandgladrags · 04/08/2011 12:25

YANBU to object. It's nothing to do with his parents if he's 20 though. Don't get into a discussion about money if you don't want him there in the first place. Tell your daughter that he's only to stay 1 or 2 nights a week.

I never had boyfriends stay over when I lived at home. I left at 18 but even if I'd stayed my parents would never have allowed it.

Whatmeworry · 04/08/2011 12:36

He's shagging the 18 yo so what does he want with Mrs Robinson?

Twofer deal :)

Real issue is partner is happy for the cocklodger bf to stay (possibly because it keeps DD at home, not just for Mrs Robinson antics?), OP is not.

They have to get themselves sorted out first. YANBU, it's your house as much as your partner's and I think your partner condoning running a knocking shop for your 18 y/o DD is nuts.

Maybe charge him for the shagging, if not the rent :o

QuintessentialShadows · 04/08/2011 12:43

It would seem that you are the only "adult" in a household of 3 other "youngsters". Your partner is probably more on par with your daughter and boyfriend than with you, in this matter, as a house share is such a natural set up at that age, her being only 22. Much more fun and non-commitical thatn living with a partner and being a responsible "step mum". (not that I think your partner would ever try and mother your daughter, lol).
Besides, your partner might naturally think that your daughter has more right to live in the house than you, and she knows that you wont cause a feud with your daughter, so she is betting on the most likely winning horse on her side, which is YOUR DAUGHTER. Not you.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 04/08/2011 12:50

"I have a (female) partner of 22 years and we have a daughter aged 18."

I read it as they've been together for 22 years.

As for Mrs Robinson, I've been on various dating websites for a few years (not all at the same time) and have had winks/messages from 20-25yr olds.

Not wishing to worry you

You do need to sit your partner down and try and get her on side. Then try and tackle your daughter about it and agree to him coming maybe every other weekend. If she wants to see him more then she can go down there.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/08/2011 12:57

Sorry if I have totally misunderstood....

ah well.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 04/08/2011 13:19

"... He's shagging the 18 yo so what does he want with Mrs Robinson"

If the partner is in her 30's/40's then in theory she could be a much, much, much better proposition in the sack than her 18 year old daughter. Potentially, she is still at a physical peak, she is experienced, confident and most probably gagging for random shag with a fit young guy .... oooops...... did I say that .... sorry, that last one is just me.

Spuddybean · 04/08/2011 13:22

i am also shocked at this.

In fact i am laughing imagining the conversation with my parents!

I would not let a sexual partner stay in my childs bed until they were moved out and living with them.

This is why people never leave home - it's just too convenient. Im not really old either i'm only 34 so i'm not thinking about the 50's!

You grow up and if you want to have sex you sacrifice living with your parents for adulthood. Not that it was ever a sacrifice for me and my friends, as much as we liked home we wanted to be independant.

the idea of shagging then seeing my dad in the morning at that age is creepy. It is about respect too.

I find this really really bizarre. Working with young adults as a job, i see this kind of thing all the time (parents don't want to 'lose' them so indulge every whim). I think it is permissive attitudes like this which is breeding a generation of want it all spoon fed babies.

Apologies for strong opinions on this, but i work with many with 20-25 year olds who can barely function without assistance.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 13:31

I think also that a lot of young adults can't afford to move out, so are living adult lives under their parents roof.

I can well understand parents feeling uncomfortable about this and not allowing the partners of 16/17 year olds to stay over, but once a person is 18 and over, it is unrealistic to think they aren't having sex. Does it really make a difference if it is in their parents house? If they are not working and contributing, then fair enough - they are still living like children, but if they are working and contributing to the household, then does that give them more right to be treated as a fellow adult, regardless of who actually owns the house?

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 13:38

Karma, just seems to me that if my 18 year old went to a festival and came back with someone who outstayed his welcome, then I wouldn't be happy.

That's why people move into their own homes, isn't it? If it was too comfortable, they'd never leave!

flatbread · 04/08/2011 13:41

So Klad, is it your OH and have you given him a hard time?

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 13:43

Dunno, he must be posting from work. The grilling shall begin later.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 04/08/2011 13:48

Kladdkaka. What's your 'young male lodger' like. Would ya????? nudge wink nudge nudge wink wink.

Spuddybean · 04/08/2011 13:54

karma i see what you are saying but still disagree. Even if they contributing they are still probably not contributing equivalent of independant living.

It has nothing to do with thinking they aren't having sex - my parents knew i was and didn't mind from 16yo, but still wouldn't allow it there (and i was also paying rent). It actually does make a difference if it is in your parents house - it gives young people no incentive to leave!

It is about compromise if you want independence and sex you have to leave and get a job. if you want security then you stay at home. I don't think you learn anything good by having both.

To me it is a necessary lesson - but then again i am very strict!

As i said i see this in my job. Young people so pandered to they expect everything.

adamschic · 04/08/2011 14:05

My bf used to stay with me all weekend and we saw each other at my house during the week too when we were 18. We had a 3 story house, 2 bathrooms and a living room and sitting room (my space). So it was OK, we used to buy our own food etc.

If DD had a bf who did this it would seriously impact my space as our house is smaller, one lounge, bedrooms next to each other. So in that case I would put my foot down and ask them to keep to weekends, cook their own food and clean up and go out to the pub or such like alot.

I would prefer my DD to wait until she was at least at college or old enough to live with a bf before she got into such and intimate (don't mean sexual) relationship.

Mainly because I had too much too young and with hindsight would rather have been footloose and fancy free in my teens/early 20's.

adamschic · 04/08/2011 14:06

'storey'

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 14:10

adamschic · 04/08/2011 14:12

Also to the poster who mentioned wrinkles, lots of men in their 20's like older women. I got chatted up by a 22 yr old on my 50th birthday. Younger men are lovely to look at but I would never embarrass myself with my DD's boyfriend and your partner might be just being nice and wants your DD to be happy.

adamschic · 04/08/2011 14:13

Oh yeah I would buy industrial earplugs.

megapixels · 04/08/2011 14:16

So is the partner 22 years old or has been with the OP 22 years?

LadyFlumpalot · 04/08/2011 14:21

Me and DF long-distanced (120 miles) for the first year of our relationship. We spent every weekend together, one at his parents and then one at mine. I paid his parents £30 a month for food etc, and he paid my parents £30 a month.

It worked out well and gave us added incentive to work towards affording our own place.

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 14:27

FilthyDirtyHeathen NOOOOOOOO! ewwww. Don't put images like that in my head. ewwwwww. just ewwwwwwww.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/08/2011 14:31

It could very well be that Klad's 'squatter' is Swedish Heathen

I wonder if he looks like Marcus Schenkenberg?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/08/2011 14:39

BertieBotts · 04/08/2011 14:44

Hmm. Don't want to worry you, but when I was 18 I had a 23 year old bf, he "moved in" by stealth, used to sleep on the sofa until my mum told me he may as well share my bed, as was wrecking the sofa.

She did ask for contributions towards food/bills after a few weeks when it became obvious it had become semi-permanent, he was happy to do this.

The reason for caution in the tale is that he turned out to be a possessive, manipulative control freak, at the time I thought him moving in was great, looking back, the fact it happened so soon and so stealthily (ie no upfront discussion, just him spending more and more time there slowly pushing the boundaries) was a massive red flag. I was young and naive and didn't notice the slow transition, I think he charmed my mum a bit as well, it was just in his character, he came across very "charming" when you first met him.

He might be a nice guy just taking the piss a bit, but equally I think you have reason to be careful and impose some boundaries, for your DD's sake if not your own. The control-freaky ones don't tend to like boundaries and will move on to someone who doesn't have such caring/switched-on parents to impose them.

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 14:49

Oh izzy I don't know what to say. Do I say 'yes, he's Swedish and looks just like him' and you go away happy but a little bit jealous? Or do I say honestly 'no, he's Swedish and looks more like a girl and wears more makeup than I do' and shatter you illusions forever?

(Take a peek at my profile pics)

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