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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter's boyfriend has virtually moved in

72 replies

unreliablenarrator · 04/08/2011 00:23

Disclaimer: I'm a bloke (am I allowed on here?). Anyway, I have a (female) partner of 22 years and we have a daughter aged 18. She (daughter) has had the odd boyfriend staying overnight and sometimes longer. However, several weeks ago she met a guy (20) at a rock festival who lives 65 miles away. He has virtually moved in and spends the greater part of every week (4-5 days) living with us. I am having a lot of problems with the shear amount of time he spends here which is threatening our relationship. My partner isn't bothered and gets very angry at my protestations. In the past 6 weeks my daughter has only spent 3 nights at his parents (although they made her welcome she prefers to be at home). I sometimes suspect that my partner flatters herself and acts a little coquettish in the presence of our daughter's young male friends and I often wonder whether she would be less tolerant if we had a son who constantly had his girlfriend to stay and it was me doing the Leslie Philips routine.

Sorry if the foregoing sounds a bit incoherent as I'm tired and posting late at night. Am I being unreasonable in objecting to my daughter's boyfriend spending so much time under our roof? Should his parents make a contribution to his board?

Thank you for any responses.

OP posts:

flatbread · 04/08/2011 15:07

but OP refers to "young male friends ". Come on Klad, one of them must be like Marcus Schenkenberg ...a little bit atleast?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/08/2011 15:09

Mmmm.... I see what you mean, Klad

Can you recommend a shagging cultural site for English speaking women looking for younger Swedish males for cunni linguistic purposes?

revolutionscoop · 04/08/2011 15:18

Methinks op's name says it all. I'm not biting.

Original poster

unreliablenarrator · 04/08/2011 15:18

Original poster here!

First, let me say thank you for all your comments. I still don't think I'll be able to solve the problem without splitting up, but your (I think) totally unaminous support is very uplifting.

To answer a few points thrown up by my post:

Perhaps 'coquettish behavior' is a little strong - more it's a kind of latent flirtatious tension that manifests itself in my partner wanting to dance attendance on the boyfriend.

She's actually 55, though looks very good for her age and (according to my daughter) is considered a 'MILF' among her coterie of male friends.

On the question of sleeping together: The boyfriend has a matress made up late each evening on the lounge floor - though this is only a token gesture as when I come down early to have breakfast, he's missing, They could do it anytime anyway.

OP posts:

revolutionscoop · 04/08/2011 15:22

Is your daughter not troubled by this 'latent flirtatious tension' then?

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 15:29

Flatbread I've removed The Squatter's photos and replaced them with some of his 'young friends' just for you.

Izzy for you, here's 'the meeting place' with all the young Swedes you could want to eat meet. :o

BertieBotts · 04/08/2011 15:29

Oh dear, I didn't want to add into my post, but yes a lot of my male friends referred to my mum affectionately as a "MILF" (affectionate ie they would never have seriously considered chatting her up, that was a step too far in the disrespect stakes) and so when my bf at the time made comments about my mum or my sister, although it bothered me, I didn't think it was that bad IYSWIM.

Looking back that was quite horribly disrespectful as well. DP who I am with now is quite naturally flirty with everyone and I have never ever wondered whether he secretly has fantasies about my mum or sister, because he's never hinted towards it.

Schtum · 04/08/2011 15:31

Are both of these kids still in full-time education? Is this spending so much time together hanging out at your house something that will stop once the summer is over and they both go back to uni?

My 17 year old daughter's boyfriend (18) stays over (in in our spare room) probably once or twice a week at the moment but once term starts again it'll just be the very occasional visit until the Christmas holidays so I''m happy for them to have this time together.

Is this your situation? Will the end of the summer herald the end of this period of intense togetherness?

Whatever, though, your DF's boyfriend is at your house a LOT more than mine... Both of my two also have part-time jobs to go to too - does your DD's BF not have job or even just a summer job that he needs to turn up to in this town 65 miles away?

flatbread · 04/08/2011 15:32

Klad, I'll take 1,2 and 3. Thank you

revolutionscoop · 04/08/2011 15:43

kladdkakka I was skiing with a friend who's been living in Norway earlier in the year, and was impressed with her ability to point out Swedish, Danish & Norwegian men practically on sight. She claims Swedish men are the easiest to spot because they are painfully well groomed to the point of looking gay! Your anecdotal evidence seems to support that view.

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 16:03

That sounds about right. But I wouldn't chuck this one out on a cold, dark night:

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 16:30

Flatbread I've just remembered something which I have a feeling you really, really want to know. Here in Sweden flatbread is called knäckerbröd and it comes dried in big discs. A short while back it was featured on 'Sweden's Got Talent' along with some young Swedish dancers. Trust me, you want to watch this video. Izzy you'll want to too.

harrietthespook · 04/08/2011 16:41

OP: you can't be serious about resolving this only through splitting up with your wife. unless there's something you're not telling us about this all.

At worst - wrt to the bloke, it sounds like she's having a moment of some kind. could she be worried your daughter is going to leave and be unsupervised somewhere and that's makig her anxious? Is he very rich (despite the freeloading) and she's encouraging her daughter to play the long game? Is your daughter v spoiled otherwise?

Oh, I don't know.

(I had no idea MILF meant.)

plupervert · 04/08/2011 16:43

I would be going mad, to have someone move in like this. It is presumptuous on the boyfriend and daughter's parts, and your partner is being mean to undermine you like this. Sorry that you think you might split over this; that's madness.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 04/08/2011 16:59

Kladdkakka I didn't realise you were in Sweden. I am in overdrive now. I missed the pic of your squatter but I thought it was the law that all Scandi folk had to be outrageously hot. Please can I also have a go on squatter's mate #1. Move over Izzy.

OP. Sorry to divert from your thread. Splitting up is a drastic end game. It suggests that your relationship with your partner is suffering in other areas and this is the last straw. Is that the case I wonder. If it isn't then surely there must be room for negotiation.

Bandwithering · 04/08/2011 17:09

Make a limit. 3 nights a week max. will be good for your daughter too.

AS for her mum flirting! jeez, sure she's not actually flirting. God I so wouldn't flirt a 20 year old. gross. couldn't do it. actually i don't like twenty year olds. they're so annoying.

BertieBotts · 04/08/2011 17:43

Harriet, MILF = Mum I'd Love to Fuck. Used colloquially (in my teenage social circles anyway) to mean any woman over the age of about 30 who they found attractive, not necessarily in the literal sense that they'd all be pursuing said woman for sex.

harrietthespook · 04/08/2011 19:48

What's interesting about this thread from my POV is that we have a new AP starting in sept. Her long-term serious boyfriend (supposed 'fiance' but hey they're 20 and 22 so with a grain) is also coming to the UK to be an AP. So am wondering if I can expect similar behaviour, however, he will be living 2 hrs away. They worked out how far away this town was, apparently, AFTER he took the job. I'm sure he'll pitch up at the weekends. APs are technically 'part of the family' so I am interested to hear how parents with children of a similar age are dealing with it.

(Will he think I'm a MILF???? Don't think he looks like one of the scandis posted previously tho!!!)

harrietthespook · 04/08/2011 19:49

I guess if he starts overeating I can 'dance around him coquettishly' and freak him right out.

(sorry for the tease OP - gentle.)

warthog · 04/08/2011 19:52

i think 1 night a week is reasonable.

and there is NO WAY my fairly liberal parents would have allowed me to have a bf stay over, and obviously share my bed. no fucking way.

sorry - i think you're being a soft touch. say she can have him over all she likes when she has her own place. not on to make you feel uncomfortable in your own house.

flatbread · 04/08/2011 21:25

Klad, my DH and I were laughing while watching the video! It seems in Sweden showing bums to the public is no big deal:-)

Eating flatbread will never be the same again.

Kladdkaka · 04/08/2011 21:54

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