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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... or am I being quite selfish?

57 replies

sleepaholic · 03/08/2011 12:42

Ok I'm thoroughly prepared to admit I'm being selfish here, just wanted to gauge opinions first!

I'm a teacher in a secondary school so I get great holidays and I'm currently on my six weeks holiday.

I have a friend who lives about an hours drive away and is very heavily pregnant. She's more or less on her own, family don't live in this country, kid's dad doesn't want to know and I've been visiting most weekends to check that she's ok. A few days ago she asked if I'd go and sit with her between 9 and 6 monday to friday while I'm on holiday and my husband is at work, as she's worried about being on her own when she goes into labour. (another friend will pop in from 6 onwards).

I don't have any children so it wouldn't really be a problem, but I really look forward to the holidays for lying in, time on my own to sort the house/garden out, catch up on work etc. If I'm being honest I just don't want to give up most of my holidays. Please talk some sense into me to stop me from being such a selfish cow ...

OP posts:
farnywarny · 03/08/2011 12:44

YANBS - it is YOUR holidays after all. I would not commit to that apart from for my sisters

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 12:45

It is a big ask

Could she stay at yours a few days so you can still lie in?

She's going to ask more of you when the baby comes I bet

squeakytoy · 03/08/2011 12:45

YANBU at all.. she can ring you as she goes into labour and you can be there in an hour.. she is being unfair to expect you to hold her hand for what could be the entire holiday..

Who is going to be her birth partner?

bananasplitz · 03/08/2011 12:46

how about a couple of days a week

or could she come to you for a few days

must be frightening for her to be so alone

CharleneysWishWellingtons · 03/08/2011 12:46

I dont think you are being selfish at all. I would be exactly the same.

I am due in December, my DP will be working all day and i certainly wouldnt expect anyone to sit with me just incase i went into labour.

I sound awful, but just being honest..

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 12:46

Why do you have to do all the driving? Would she pay petrol
Just tell her you're going away for a week to see your parents or something

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 03/08/2011 12:47

She is being really unreasonable.

But she sounds frightened. She's all alone and she's understandably scared. I feel really sorry for her.

However, asking you to sit with her for 9 hours a day is ridiculous. This other friend - is she sleeping over?

It is highly unlikely that, if she goes into labour, she will be unable to get to a phone.

Perhaps you could offer a couple of days and ask her to ask other friends if she is feeling this frightened. And say you'll phone her every day.

CharleneysWishWellingtons · 03/08/2011 12:47

Oh.. YANBU :)

mumblechum1 · 03/08/2011 12:48

No. I think she's being unreasonable to expect you to sit with her all day every day.

squeakytoy · 03/08/2011 12:48

Why does she need to sit in all day with a 24 hour supervision anyway?? Is she having a high risk pregnancy? Everyone I know is out and about until the go into labour, not sat at home waiting for it to happen.

It is a shame she is on her own, but it isnt your problem, and you shouldnt feel responsible for her.

PicaK · 03/08/2011 12:48

No - she's asking too much.

Sounds like she's worrying herself sick about the birth. Has she done classes? Does she realise how long the initial stage can last?

Far better to say ring me when things kick off and i'll come with you to the hospital. Only of you won't do that for a mate are you being unreasonable.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 03/08/2011 12:49

Sorry but there is no reason for her to never be on her own, unless there is something you've nit mentioned.

Yama · 03/08/2011 12:51

I don't understand her need to have someone with her all the time. Plenty of women are on their own when they go into labour/have a baby.

Would be nice of you to invite her to stay with you for a couple of days and perhaps make sure you always have your mobile to hand for emergencies.

Firawla · 03/08/2011 12:54

no yanbu, that is too much to ask and also i dont understand why she needs someone with her at all times, as most people do cope alone at some times with husband at work or whatever else, its not practical to have someone there to supervise the whole time incase of going into labour. i mean how many weeks is she anyway??? cos unless she is already overdue or something then this could be going on for weeks and weeks! just tell her to keep her phone near her, then she can ring. i would meet up with her some days, either at hers or yours but sitting there so many hours a day "just in case" is really too much

Ingles2 · 03/08/2011 12:55

no she is being totally unreasonable and slightly unhinged. You can't sit with her 8 hours a day, just in case, that's crazy.
She should be out and about unless she's having a high risk pregnancy, not sitting at home petrified.
Why don't you see if you can attend an NCT class with her, then you can discuss her worries and her birth plan with a neutral 3rd party.
I'd also tell it's quite likely she'll feel the first twinges in the night anyway.

bubblesincoffee · 03/08/2011 12:57

YANBU.

She is being really quite pathetic thinking that she needs someoen to be with her 24/7 just because she is pregnant.

Just tell her no!

Journey · 03/08/2011 12:59

Your friend is being very selfish. You can't just hang around waiting for her to go into labour. The baby is hardly going to pop out immediately after the first sign of labour anyway!

Tell her you'll keep your mobile with you at all times and will come over when her labour starts.

Enjoy your holiday in the meantime.

ragged · 03/08/2011 12:59

I'd offer to go sit with her one or two days, but not to be booked in as her companion every day. Would be best if you could plan some days out, meet up somewhere.

Original poster
sleepaholic · 03/08/2011 13:00

Hi thanks for your replies, she has offered to pay for petrol but if I did go I wouldn't take her up on it. The other friend will be staying over each night, but she doesn't seem to mind.

My friend is very scared and lonely which is why she's asked this. She moved here alone from another country and is usually extremely independent and self sufficient - which is why I'm taking her request seriously. But if I'm being honest I know pretty much nothing about child birth apart from what I've seen on tv, so would be pretty much useless in the event of a genuine emergency! I don't think she'd stay if I invited her, but I will let her know that my mobile's on hand if she needs me.

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 03/08/2011 13:04

YANBU: she is asking too much. I'm guessing its her first pregnancy? in which case in all likelihood she'll get a lot of notice as labour comes on... its not like she's likely to deliver very quickly. Even in a relatively swift labour there should be ample time for you to get up there. She is obviously scared and probably depressed, so be gentle with her... maybe ask her to see a doctor and ask for counselling? or as others have suggested if she's really phobic could she come to you? But however stressed she is, pregnancy doesn't require round the clock cover....

Callisto · 03/08/2011 13:07

She is only having a baby fgs. Does she expect to spontaneously explode with the first contraction? She is being vv unreasonable and it sounds like she spending far too much time brooding about it and needs to get out/do more.

hairfullofsnakes · 03/08/2011 13:13

SHE is being VU and extremely selfish! Please enjoy your time off and dont feel guilty.

slugger · 03/08/2011 13:15

YANBU.

One day would be fine, but asking you to do this EVERY day is taking the piss.

You're already checking in on her regularly.

Is she wants this level of commitment, she needs to pay somebody like a doula (although I have no idea whether a doula would do this).

Waiting for labour to kick in is just the start of it - soon she is going to be singly responsible for a small baby, and that is bloody scary too

coastgirl · 03/08/2011 13:15

YANBU - and I am a teacher and 39 weeks pregnant so I can see both sides of this! Even though you have long holidays and might not have anything particular planned, some down time for pottering at your own pace is essential for mental well-being, IMO. And in nice weather she should be able to entertain herself sitting outside with a book/watching TV etc. Maybe reach a compromise - you'll come once a week, or take her out for lunch (I understand that she won't want to drive for an hour to get to you) and you'll be available on Facebook/MSN chat or something if she needs to talk.

I really, really wouldn't want to commit to leaving the house every day at 8am in the holidays. I rely on these weeks to catch up with the months and months of lost sleep and early rises in termtime.

duchesse · 03/08/2011 13:22

She is pretty unlikely to go into labour without warning and have the baby within the hour. Can you impress on her that you will turn up at call's notice the moment she needs you? She sounds as though she is understandably panicking a little but the chances are that she would have hours from first contraction to birth- plenty of time for you to mosey on down there. Are you going to be her birth partner?