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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... or am I being quite selfish?

57 replies

sleepaholic · 03/08/2011 12:42

Ok I'm thoroughly prepared to admit I'm being selfish here, just wanted to gauge opinions first!

I'm a teacher in a secondary school so I get great holidays and I'm currently on my six weeks holiday.

I have a friend who lives about an hours drive away and is very heavily pregnant. She's more or less on her own, family don't live in this country, kid's dad doesn't want to know and I've been visiting most weekends to check that she's ok. A few days ago she asked if I'd go and sit with her between 9 and 6 monday to friday while I'm on holiday and my husband is at work, as she's worried about being on her own when she goes into labour. (another friend will pop in from 6 onwards).

I don't have any children so it wouldn't really be a problem, but I really look forward to the holidays for lying in, time on my own to sort the house/garden out, catch up on work etc. If I'm being honest I just don't want to give up most of my holidays. Please talk some sense into me to stop me from being such a selfish cow ...

OP posts:

daimbardiva · 03/08/2011 13:26

Yes, agree with all above. YANBU at all, but your friend does sound worried/like she doesn't have a lot of support and is even a bit ill-informed about what happens when you go into labour...

TBH it sounds like it would be good for her to get out of the house - can you suggest a day trip once a week or somehting, or can she come over to yours?

I think you should just explain to her that you will be absolutely there for her when she needs you, but gently remind her that you have a life too

YouDoTheMath · 03/08/2011 13:30

Blimey, you are not being selfish at all. Isn't this sort of situation what the emergency services are for? Or does she live in the absolute back of beyond where ambulances don't venture?

I can understand her beng fearful; but it's not for one friend to take on the entire burden of watching over her for weeks on end.

Plus she's expecting you to do a two-hour round trip every day? She'll be calling on you for all sorts of favours after the baby's here.

I know she's a friend and you're a good person for feeling sorry for her - but the situation is hers to deal with. Maybe as others have suggested, do one week, or a day or two a week and split with others?

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 13:30

If she's that worried and lonely now, she sounds as though she'll be up for post natal depression afterwards.

Does she go to the ante natal classes? Does she know any other pregnant women? Does she want to stay in this country if she knows so few people?

I think she's being totally unreasonable asking you to go over every day for the whole day. I think where she'll need someone is after the baby is born, rather than before. Is there any way you can visit her sometime and take her to find out about mother and baby groups in her area? What about introducing her to the National Childbirth Trust groups in her area? I made a lot of friends through them and through the mother and baby group at my doctor's clinic.

emmanumber3 · 03/08/2011 13:35

I'd definitely say YANBU - that is way too much. I'm not a teacher but my DDad was & several friends are - I know how much holidays are needed for restoring sanity & relaxing .

If it were me though, I would continue to visit maybe once a week & ask her to call you when she does eventually go into labour. You can be there within 1 hour - not many first babies arrive within an hour (presuming it's a first as friend is so worried) . That seems reasonable.

Original poster

sleepaholic · 03/08/2011 13:41

Yeah it's her first child and I don't know who is going to be her birth partner, it hasn't been mentioned tbh, I just assume it will be the person who is there when she goes into labour.

There have been some great suggestions on here about NCT classes, which I'll be looking into for her and still visiting her but keeping the arrangement quite casual and doing things to take her mind off it - I'll def take these on board - thank you!!

OP posts:

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 03/08/2011 13:46

Agree re to call you and no reason why you can't speak everyday but really you'd both just be sat there waiting for it to arrive.

I didn't evenwake dh up when I went into labour, just sent him a text so when his alarm went off and he turned his phone on he knew to come downstairs, and I knew it would be 3 hours.

Teachermumof3 · 03/08/2011 13:47

My goodness-don't do it! I'm a teacher and wouldn't entertain it. Does she want you to go every day of your holidays or just one week? Even asking you to spend the time/money getting there is totally unreasonable plus she'll need even more help when the baby is born. She needs to make friends locally?

Just say, I can come for the day next Wednesday, but I have so much to get done that I've been putting off all term that I need to get done and it's also costing me a fortune in petrol that I can't afford-surely she can't argue with that?

controlpantsandgladrags · 03/08/2011 13:53

I feel very sorry for your friend but her request is frankly ridiculous. Has she done any ante-natal classes or read a book about childbirth? It sounds as if she expects the baby to fall out with the first contraction. If she's due any day it's probably too late to get her onto any NCT classes, but maybe a book would help reassure her that an hours drive away is plenty close enough.

FreudianSlipper · 03/08/2011 14:02

i think you need to help her face her fears of being alone and build her confidence, you being there is like this is not helping her, and you are not beign selfish at all its a huge commitment to ask from anyone

it is scary thinking you will be on your own and go in to labour but it can happen if you are in a relationship and you parents live next door. i was on my own and i had friends stay (they insisted) but my last few days i insisted on being on my own, it was the last time in my life it was going to be jsut about me and i enjoyed it

talk to her, ask her what she is scared of and try and reassure her, she is scared understandably and if she does need extra support after her baby is born her hv will be the best person to talk to but she may surprise herself and not need it

FreudianSlipper · 03/08/2011 14:11

sorry should not have said you need to help her, meant you could help her face her fears. get her to sign up on here (then get mn to take this thread off), there are some books on single parenting that give advice and are funny too, she will probably look back in a few years on reading the book with embarrassment (i read yummy mummy and enjoyed it oh the shame i blame the hormones) but could be helpful now to ease those fears

changeforthebetter · 03/08/2011 14:20

I think she may need some professional help with her anxiety. Being anxious around the birth is totally normal and it might be magnified if she is on her own. I think a chat with her midwife with a possible referral to maternal mental health services would be more appropriate. You can't and shouldn't try to provide round the clock care. The whole point about not having kids is that you have more freedom . There's nothing to say you can't pop in regularly but it sounds like she needs something more than that. She could perhaps do with getting to know some other pregnant mums (again, midwife). After all, she is going to need support after baby is born, by which time you will be back at work and unable to help.

You are definitely not being selfish to say no to this commitment

moominliz · 03/08/2011 14:22

YANBU at all. I am expecting my first child and unless I go into labour at night chances are DP will be at work and so will family and friends, when I need them I'll ring them. I would never expect for people to monitor me round the clock unless there was the possibility of serious complications.

I think that she needs to be encouraged to speak to her GP or midwife about her fears and perhaps go out as it seems she is depressed and letting her anxiety run away with her.
How does she plan on coping when the baby is born?

duchesse · 03/08/2011 14:22

Oh if she's heavily pregnant she won't have time for nct classes- they take 6 weeks! Her midwives should be able to offer her some reassurance and a bit of basic information about what to expect.

ShoutyHamster · 03/08/2011 14:41

No way. She needs to get a bit of perspective - you can be there in an hour if she goes into labour during the day and that is FINE.

Far too much to ask, and totally over the top.

You would be doing her a better service by trying to calm her down a bit with it all - if she is that apprehensive about labour even starting she must be in a bit of a state all round, poor thing. Coping strategies and practical suggestions great BUT total babysitting isn't necessarily great prep for her. Surely she must have some idea of how labour is likely to start and the fact that it won't be sudden screams and ambulances?! If not, some reading and talking and general 'you can do this NO PROBLEM' would be a good idea.

Feel for her though. So much of it must be wanting a companion for it all, emotionally.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 03/08/2011 16:36

You need to figure out who her birth partner is going to be - 'whoever is with her at the time' isn't good enough, it's a massive ask to be someone's birth partner, they should ideally go to ante-natal classes with her, and be prepared for up to several days of service! She doesn't sound like she is well prepared and she needs to be. She does not need someone with her 24 hours a day, but she does need to plan who will be her birth partner!

Original poster

sleepaholic · 03/08/2011 21:45

Thank you for all of your advice everyone. I came on here because I have no experience of this and wanted to get the opinions of people who know what it's like to have a child. You've given me some great advice on how best to help my friend and made me realise that maybe being with her everyday won't help her in the long run- so thanks again! xx

OP posts:

PrincessJenga · 03/08/2011 22:07

I'm a teacher and 41 weeks pregnant so I can see both sides of this. I wouldn't want to be on my own in labour, but I wouldn't want to give up my holidays either!!!

DP usually works from home but will be two hours away tomorrow so I've got friends 'on standby' to take me to hospital if an emergency arises. By 'on standby', I mean their phones will be on and they may pop round for a cup of tea and a cake, not that they will sit with me all day. If I actually go into labour they will come round and sit with me until DP gets home. I certainly wouldn't ask them to be with me 24/7 although I do admit I've sent a few "I'm bored, entertain me" texts this week

I think seeing your friend for a few hours at a time as often as possible is a good idea (being heavily pregnant can be dull!), but spending all day every day with her won't help either of you.

More importantly though, you really must talk to her about what she expects your role to be in the birth and you need to make sure you feel comfortable with that.

exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 22:10

YANBU-why does she think it will fit neatly into those hours?! Just get her to phone you.

fivegomadindorset · 03/08/2011 22:12

No you are not being selfish, on the other hand you have recognised that she is scared at the moment, could you maybe get her midwife details and give her a call to express your concerns. Get some information about doula's as they are wonderful. Where abouts in the country are you?

babymutha · 03/08/2011 22:14

you'll be better able to support her if you're not there all the time.... you'll go a bit bonkers and resentful.
Agree to some times to go round and some (most) time for yourself.
She's scared, but you won't be doing her any favours giving up your entire holiday to babysit. Things will be MUCH harder for her when the baby is born - if you can help more then, you'll be a great friend (but probably be back at work?) Get your holiday and be better able to support your friend.

HipHopOpotomus · 03/08/2011 22:27

I agree she can call you when labour starts and you could be there in an hour. She knows it's not "contraction contraction baby" like on tv right?

YANBU/S

LineRunner · 03/08/2011 22:29

This sounds just a tad mental. She has to keep calm and carry on.

You can't be sitting with her like you're in a Jane Austen novel.

FlubbaBubba · 03/08/2011 22:38

Is her pregnancy high risk? 1st labours tend to take hours anyway, so even if she started contracting etc, she could give you a call and you could head over (with plenty of time in most cases) if she still felt she needs someone there with her.

notlettingthefearshow · 03/08/2011 22:55

YANBU.

That's a huge favour to ask of a friend, essentially giving up potentially weeks of precious holiday to stay in her house and do what?

I agree that she sounds scared, but needs to be a bit more realistic about how much she can rely on you, both now and in future. What next - come to stay with her for the whole half term? She lives quite a way away and should have made an effort to make local friends antenatal groups etc. Maybe if you do go over, you can help her come up with some strategies to make a support network after the birth, for example, find some activities she can take the baby to. You can compromise and agree when you will go over or call on a regular basis, but the best thing you can do is to help her be less dependent.

KurriKurri · 03/08/2011 22:58

How heavily pregnant is she? - six weeks is quite a large time span for a baby to appear. Maybe you could go when she's really near her due date for a few days.

But as others have said there will be plenty of time for you to get there if she does go into labour and wants you to be there.

She sounds very frightened, I think she needs to have a chat with her midwife and formulate a plan of what she's going to do when she goes into labour so she's clear in her mind about how she gets to the hospital etc.

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