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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children can be so bloody horrible

56 replies

Elemis · 02/08/2011 19:34

" you can't play with us"
" I don't want to play with you"
"you're not allowed up here"
"You're not coming to my birthday party"

Why are children so mean?
And the parents don't say anything?!

I want to cry for my ds

OP posts:
MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 19:37

If the parents here those kind of things and don't pick up on it then it's no wonder the kids are mean.

I know exactly where you're coming from. DD is a really loving girl who always has time for everyone and when I see her attempts at being friends with someone cruelly knocked back it's so sad!

GypsyMoth · 02/08/2011 19:38

what did you say to the mean kids in response?

startail · 02/08/2011 19:40

Your last, but one line says it all. Children are so horrid because their parents, secure in their own cosy cliques, let them Sad
DD1 never is and never will be included by the vast majority of her peers. Hugs to you and your DS, but no answers I'm afraid.

bananasplitz · 02/08/2011 19:41

but to be fair, you cannot micro manage every connection your kid is ever going to make

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 19:47

No banana but you can teach them that it's not nice to be mean to people when you are with them and hopefully they will take the message with them when you're not.
The OP is talking about kids being mean and their parents standing by.

Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 19:47

Those kids sound evil anyway ...it's no loss to your child

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 19:49

Not sure how old your ds is OP but I have told dd that if someone says she can't play or is otherwise being nasty the best thing to do is pretend you don't care and go and find someone nice to play with.

activate · 02/08/2011 20:11

is this a group of children or all children

does your child need help in negotiating friendships? (sounds like he does)

children do not relate to each other in the same way that adults do and you cannot put adult sensibilities on the way they relate to each other

you can teach your child how to deal with meanness, teasing or other natural childish modes of communication though

GwendolenHarleth · 02/08/2011 20:14

Ditto MightQuim. I say to my girls "If someone doesn't want to play with you or is horrible to you, you walk off and find someone kind to play with."

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 20:15

Evil mumcentreplus?

A bit OTT for what the OP describes.

ragged · 02/08/2011 20:19

"You're not coming to my birthday party"

I don't take that one seriously; it's almost a standard substitute for "Go Away" in DS2's yr group.

Are these things said to your DS daily, OP? Does he have any friends at all?

missorinoco · 02/08/2011 20:20

How old? DS is going through a phase of telling me "X isn't my friend any more," with emphasis on the any for some reason. Then carrying on as normal with his friend as far as I can tell, aforesaid friend is not there at the time. I have tried to ignore it as a phase, other than initially saying it's not a nice thing to say and recently bluntly telling him someone would not want to be his friend anyway if he says that to them

Is it not a phase? (He recently turned four.) Do I need to stamp it out to avoid the above happening?

Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 20:25

Yes they are not literally evil

I completely agree they are hardly evil on the face of it... but they are not friendly or kind and they obviously don't have parents who see these personality traits as important...move on and play or associate with children who are the opposite...

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 20:28

? Well if you don't mean evil then why write it?

All children say this kind of stuff at one time or another.

ragged · 02/08/2011 20:30

I'll stick neck out & say I wonder if OP's DC needs to toughen up a bit, is it just a bit of banter or daily sustained badgering? Also, if the kids are saying this to your DC at school/nursery then you can't easily fault the parents because they aren't there to hear it or know it was ever said.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 02/08/2011 20:32

They sound like entirely normal children. Children are learning to live in society, and they often get it wrong when they're young.

It doesn't make them naughty, bad, evil or any of those value judgements.

It just makes them young. It's adults' role to help them to learn.

itisnearlysummer · 02/08/2011 20:33

OP is this happening often?

Kids say this to each other all the time.

My DD has come home from Reception in tears because her friend said one of those phrases to her. Then the following morning they are the best of friends again.

I've heard DD saying it too - including to me.

It's just their way of dealing with things not going their way.

Unless there is something else going on.

wearenotinkansas · 02/08/2011 20:36

I have a habit of telling off other people's kids if they say things like this - even if their parents don't. Or encouraging DD to stick up for herself. Little ratbags.

thornrose · 02/08/2011 20:39

elemis, how old is your ds?

RedHotPokers · 02/08/2011 20:40

It really depends on context.

I ignore my DD (5) and her friends now, unless there is tears, because I was getting more upset by their emotional turmoil than they were!

'SO and So said i can't go to their birthday party'
'So and So said she only likes people with brown hair'
'Noone will play with me'
'X told me I'm not their friend'
'Only people with pink dresses can be in their gang'.

Staple answer from me is: 'I don't want to hear about silliness - off you go and be good friends'. I learnt this from DDs teacher when I helped in the class once - it is a much better solution than dragging the whole thing out into a big issue.

Its different if they are actually being bullied, but in most cases children give as good as they get. If DD gets really upset about a comment I say 'just ignore those sillies.' but I also tell her that she needs to remember not to make other children feel sad like that either.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 20:40

Little ratbags, good way of describing them Grin

Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 20:42

rat-bags is the name I give my children Grin

and I don't mean they a literally rats in bagsWink

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 20:43

Most kids might do it but it's still bloody upsetting to witness. I can't fully control what dd does at nursery but to my knowledge she isn't mean to other kids like this and I would be shocked to find out that she was as she's always very empathetic with other kids - asks them what's wrong if they look sad and stuff. If dd ever did say anything like the op describes and I was present she would be pulled up on it. It isn't a nice way to behave.
Most kids hit - it doesn't mean parents should ignore it!

StarryEyedMama · 02/08/2011 20:44

Here here Mighty Quinn - Yes children can be cruel, but if they hear it at home or their parents allow their children to speak this way it makes it so much harder for them to realise it's not acceptable. My DD has had to deal with a horrible spiteful girl at school for the last two terms and although the teachers have intervened as much as they possibly can, sadly the parents won't take any responsibility.

RedHotPokers · 02/08/2011 20:46

MightyQuim - I would be surprised if your DD never said anything like this once she starts school. Birthdays are a real currency in DDs school, and despite all the parents discouraging the 'meanness', at one point in each day I'm sure every child is uninvited to a party at least once!

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