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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children can be so bloody horrible

56 replies

Elemis · 02/08/2011 19:34

" you can't play with us"
" I don't want to play with you"
"you're not allowed up here"
"You're not coming to my birthday party"

Why are children so mean?
And the parents don't say anything?!

I want to cry for my ds

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 20:46

Most children may say these things or similar but that does not mean it's ok and it's obviously not an issue for their parents..for me it's an issue if my DDs are being unkind and I see or hear this I will speak to them about it and about appropriate behaviour...

stealthsquiggle · 02/08/2011 20:48

Elemis I would ignore it as much as you can, and "model" rising above it for your DS.

If I heard either of my DC saying something like that I would come down on them like a ton of bricks (translation: remind them how horrid it is when someone says it to you, with large dose of "do as you would be done by") but I do not have a huge degree of confidence that they (especially DD) wouldn't/don't do it when out of earshot. The only exception is "I don't want to play with you" which I view as a matter of personal choice - when DD reports DS saying that to her my answer is "well go and play something else then - I can't force DS to play with you"

OP was this really within the hearing of the parents?

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 20:48

She may well Pokers - she's not perfect but if I found out about it from the other childs parens/teacher whoever I would be having words with her about it. The OP is talking about nastiness while the parents are present and not challenging it at all - that's not on imo.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 20:49

Totally agree Mumcentreplus Smile

And with MQ that's it's bloody horrible witnessing it happen to your own children.

RedHotPokers · 02/08/2011 20:49

And whilst I believe that you need to make it clear to your children that being mean is unacceptable, if you got pulled into every little debacle all you do is make it all sound worse and more serious than what it actually is - which is silly squabbling by little children.

Hitting, being repeatedly spiteful, bullying etc is of course a totally different matter, and requires parental intervention.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 20:49

Or anyone elses children!

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 20:52

Well I disagree Pokers. I wouldn't make a massive song and dance about it but if I saw my child being mean it wouldn't go completely ignored. If that's what some parents do then it's no surprise that kids think it's fine to be nasty.

Dancergirl · 02/08/2011 20:53

I would agree that it's v common for children to say these things but it doesn't mean they are devil's children! And yes of course the parents should reprimand them. BUT that's not going to comfort your ds is it? And you don't know that the parents will talk to their child making nasty comments later on/when they get home.

Children often make these comments through immaturity which is what they are after all; it's not a black and white thing, ie good child/bad child...children just gradually learn what's nice and what isn't. It takes some children a bit longer that's all.

And OP, your ds sounds lovely but don't think he's immune to making the odd nasty comment during his childhood. It happens.

RedHotPokers · 02/08/2011 20:56

Totally agree Dancergirl.

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 20:56

If a child is saying 'you can't play' or 'you're not allowed up here' or something there's not a lot of good talking about it when you get home you need to tackle it at the time.

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 20:58

Also I think children learn quicker if they are actually taught rather than ignored.
The Op's ds may well make nasty comments but I assume from her the tone of her op that if she was there she would reprimand him.

Andrewofgg · 02/08/2011 21:07

Of course all the children who grew up to be posting here were little angels. Weren't we?

Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 21:13
Original poster
Elemis · 02/08/2011 21:15

Ds is nearly 4.
These are just a couple of examples I have heard over the last couple of days.
Some were at a birthday party, which could probably be excused as birthday boy over excited etc. And maybe mother distracted.

And some comments were today with the mothers sitting right next to me, drinking their wine. Their kids were older so I can understand why they weren't really watching, but I could see exactly what their children were doing.

Ds is usually quite social, Introduces himself!
But when their first words are" you can't play here" , he just got this really sad face, and I wanted to cry.
After the last couple of days I had had enough and went up there and just said "everyone playing nicely?"
To which the girls replied "we want to play here, we were here first"
I said "well everyone has to share"
And that seemed to shut them up.

I know they all say, " you're not my friend anymore"
And I usually let that one go.

I did tell him today that if they didn't want to play, he should just ignore them and find someone nice to play with, but I'm worried he will say "my mummy said you're not nice"

He was very upset at the birthday party, crying, and I had to resist just scooping him up and hugging him, I just let them get on with it.

Tbh, apart from that incident, he doesn't seem that bothered.
But I am!!
He's my pfb!! Sad

OP posts:
Bumblequeen · 02/08/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Elemis · 02/08/2011 21:22

Oh and I am under no illusions about my own son, he has been known to pull a face when someone comes into " his" territory.
But I would always tell him that if he is nice to other children they will be nice to him and that they should all share, take turns etc.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 02/08/2011 21:23

Elemis I would say take a deep breath and tell him to play with other children who treat him well and he should treat them well too...not everyone is going to be your friend or even like you...tis life even at 4 years old..find children who make you feel happy

Henwelly · 02/08/2011 21:34

Children are horrid and it will be a theme that continues.

In some cases I do blame the parents DD goes to a village school where the mums are VERY cliquey and actually discourage play outside the groups - means we now have a small un-official outsiders clique Sad.

One mum actually was moaning about the outsiders daring to ask her child to play because they are not friends - they had only been at school a few months, our children are never invited to parties despite inviting them, half of them dont respond or turn up - its heartbreaking for DD.

Dozer · 02/08/2011 21:49

There's a really interesting section on this kind of stuff in Po Bronson's "NurtureShock", calls it "relational aggression" - apparently, research suggests that it is on the rise and that the more popular kids do it more.

Agree with Dancergirl.

exoticfruits · 02/08/2011 22:07

I agree with dancergirl. They are young and they are finding out how to relate to others.
It isn't easy, they are constantly having to adjust. e.g. losing at games is difficult-they all want to win and parents may let them, but other DCs are not-there are all sorts of little things like that.
They have to learn that life isn't fair, e.g. mine were always so sure that other DCs would share when they are little (because that is what we did) but they find out that other DCs sometimes won't share.
Unfortunately you can't step in and sort it every time.

Bumblequeen · 02/08/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Henwelly · 02/08/2011 22:23

bumblequeen we live just outside the village think that could be an issue!!!

After getting upset I have just decided to just ride it out and hopefully the kids will just make their own friendships as they move through school

Back to original poster we just re-iterate to DD that whats being said is unkind but just to go and play with someone else or something else - i'm sure DD will prob do her fair share of mean things when i'm out of earshot & she does need to be able to deal with it to some extent.

sb6699 · 02/08/2011 22:59

Some children can be cruel and therefore we have to make sure our own dc's are tough enough to cope with them.

The phrases you describe are pretty common but I can't stand children being mean and it actually sets my teeth on edge when I hear them being used.

I can go one better though. I met some friends and their dc's in the park today. My DD plays with them often and normally they have great fun but today there was another child with them and the 3 of them seemed to gang up on my DD - whispering about her, refusing to let her join in etc.

The last straw came when one child told her "I wish you would just die". They are 6 FFS!!! Angry

DD is usually very confident and shrugs things off but she got very upset (possibly because DH is in hospital atm) and I wouldnt even write what I was thinking at that moment in time.

DeWe · 02/08/2011 23:14

I think my dd s have more often been upset by being told "You can come to my party" (when said party can be 6 months away) and then not receiving an invitation (in perfectly reasonable cicumstances) than being told "you're not coming to my party". Don't know why this is.

MightyQuim · 03/08/2011 00:07

'They are young' is an excuse for the kids but not for the parents sitting back and not teaching them how to behave nicely towards other people.

Elemis - I wouldn't worry about your ds telling people you have said they're not nice. Just make sure you tell him to find someone else who is behaving nicely then you're OK. No-one could argue that saying 'you're not my friend' is behaving nicely.