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Original poster

or ridiculously oversensitive - comment re weight

62 replies

livingonsaladalone · 19/07/2011 18:37

Just need to vent about this really. My mother (makes frequent comments about my weight / appearance, and always has done) just called me up to say that she was sending me a few tops that my sister had bought (for herself) in the sales but had since decided were "far too big for her" (I think she ordered them online), and so they (mother and sister) thought that I might like them. I have never been so tempted to respond with a "f* off" in my life. I have a ten week old baby (my second), and they know I've been trying ridiculously hard to lose my baby weight - I eat as little as seems feasible while breastfeeding, and run every night. My sister is very tall and slim, but (as she is 6 inches taller than me) I actually suspect we're probably quite similar in clothes size just now. Fot what it's worth, I'm 5ft 3 and 9 stone exactly (which is almost a stone more than my pre-baby weight, but I am losing it fast). The comment / sentiment has reduce me to tears and made me feel really crap about my post-baby body, as if I didn't already. A total overreaction to a well intended gesture? Or just a really thoughtless / bitchy thing for them to do?

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 19/07/2011 18:44

No. It's one of those barbed things.

There are several ways you could handle it

"Here Living, this is HUUUUUUUUUGE, you have it. Cheers mum."

"That sounded very rude. Did you mean it to?"

"Oh. so I'm huge now, am I?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just how big do you think I am"

"Oh, you are so funny with your little comments, bless you."

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 19/07/2011 18:45

Oh, or you could go with "Actually, I find it very hurtful when you make comments like that and I want you to stop doing it."

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/07/2011 18:45

Tell her to fuck off, you'll feel better for it.

My mum took the piss out of my lardiness growing up, literally on her death bed she managed to muster up an insult.

The best bit is had she taken my weight gain in hand when I was growing up instead of taking the piss, maybe I wouldn't have been gorging myself until I vomited whilst still in primary school ?

My self esteem is in my boots and I still walk with my head down, she did quite a good job on me very subtley.

Anyways, tell her to fuck off, she has to right speaking to you in that way or make you feel good.

T'is my favourite comeback, does what it says on the tin 'fuck off' does Wink

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/07/2011 18:46

Ahem, she has NO right speaking to you in that way or make you feel bad Blush

OldRedEyes · 19/07/2011 18:47

why not just ask what size they are

if they are your size, all well and good

if too big, say so

manicinsomniac · 19/07/2011 18:48

Gosh, at 5'3" and 9 stone you're surely on the slim side of average - especially as you've just had a baby!!

Offering the clothes was nice I suppose, depending on the intent, but their wording was not - "far too big" - ugh, how rude. What would have been wrong with "got some clothes in the sale that don't fit right, would you like to try them?"

Relatives are so insensitive when it comes to weight - almost as if it doesn't matter what they say because 'we're family'

My mum once told me in a public changing room that "if you weren't so short you wouldn't look so squat" - I'm 5'1" and was probably between 8.5 and 9 stone at the time!

StealthPolarBear · 19/07/2011 18:49

:( ACT that is awful

Just to mention if you do want/need to lose weight (I have no idea if you are overweight or not now) I have started a food focus support thread. It's free and it's the longest diet I have ever stuck to (1 week and counting :)) I eat constantly and ignore any full signs

Solola · 19/07/2011 18:50

Must point out that you are in no way overweight or have any need to worry about weight loss. Especially as you only gave birth ten weeks ago! I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would either ignore it or tell her how that comment made you feel.

catwalker · 19/07/2011 18:50

Poor you. I think there's something about mothers that makes them think they can say things to their offspring that they wouldn't dream of saying to people they weren't related to! My mum's favourite is something like, "your hair looks nice now..." "now" being the loaded word in the sentence. Or she'll say, "I see you've had your hair cut..." Silence while I wait for the ensuing compliment .... nothing ....

With a 10 week old you really shouldn't be worrying about your weight. At 9 stone you've not got much to worry about - just enjoy having an excuse to eat loads (a pint of milk and a mars bar was my favourite when I was bf'ing through the night!)

purplepidjincantatem · 19/07/2011 19:27

Yikes, you're nearly 3st lighter than me, 2" shorter, and just had a baby! There's no way you're overweight!

PS I'm a healthy 12-14, so I'm not exactly enormous either at least i don't think so

Tinschy · 19/07/2011 19:29

Female members of the family can be total bitches and they think they have the right to say what they like no matter how hurtful.

I agree with the comments above, with your height you sound tiny! Embrace your size i wish I was like you. I'm not quite 5 foot and I was 9 stone 6lbs two weeks ago and I should be 7 and half stone. Do i care? Not a jot.

Pass the biscuits .....

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 19:31

Jeeez lady you aren't overweight at all, how rude of your mother, I'd guess you are a 14 and a 12, or maybe even a ten.

Im not fat and Im shorter than you and weigh 9stone 8lb.

Tell them when you get them they smothered you!

foreverondiet · 19/07/2011 19:31

When I started reading I thought maybe its ok because they have your health in mind (and I assumed that you were in fact overweight), but then when I saw you are 5 3 and weigh 9 stone AND you have a 10 week old breastfed baby. They are both being rude and you are not oversensitive. I agree with a 10 week old breastfed baby you should not be worrying about your weight.

FWIW I am 5 4 and when my baby was 16 weeks my mum told me I was too fat - I was 12 5 at the time so although I was upset that she said it, it sort of was fair enough I was borderline obese.

I would say something like, don't bother with the tops, the weight is falling off fast, and I'll soon be sending you my old stuff...

skybluepearl · 19/07/2011 19:34

there is no way you are overweight! and you are only 10 weeks post birth

TotalChaos · 19/07/2011 19:41

9 stone is bang in the middle of the healthy weight range for your height, it's your family that have the problem - either a skewed perception of weight or a desire to criticise you to make themselves feel better. yanbu at all to dislike those comments.

discrete · 19/07/2011 19:41

I'm pretty much exactly the same size as you, pre and post pg. My mum is also truly fucked up with respect to weight and food, and is constantly buying things which are far too large for me, and so on.

TBH I think you need to develop a thicker skin. This is THEIR screwiness, not yours (at least it shouldn't be!). You are a perfectly normal weight, very much on the thin side by western european or US standards. If you are seriously upset about your weight right now, you may need some help dealing with your body image problems.

Don't live on salad alone. And don't feel crap about your post-baby body. Enjoy what your body has been able to do (produce two beautiful babies and breastfeed them!) and eat what you need to eat in order to feel well. I always hang on to about 1/2 a stone while bfing, it then comes off when I stop. But I know it does eventually, so I am in no hurry to stop bfing ds2 (15 months and going strong!). I will just return to my usual weight when he is ready to stop. And that's that.

And, TBH, at 5ft 3 and 9 stone or under you still have a body many women would kill for. And no, I myself was not comfortable at that weight and won't feel I've got 'my' body back until I am back at 8st. But what's the point of being so slim in the first place if it doesn't give us a bit of margin to go over when we have good reason to?

joric · 19/07/2011 19:44

Accept the tops and return them on next visit saying, no sorry, they are a bit cheap looking / big / frumpy / unfashionable......whatever made DS choose them?!! ( :) )

hairylights · 19/07/2011 19:45

5'3" and nine stone is pretty healthy a weight and you've just had a baby? Print her off a bmi chart and tell her to fuck off.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 19/07/2011 19:50

Oh FUCKING family members can be so insulting.

Here's what I'd do. Next time you see them, say 'thanks for the clothes, but they're not really my style, if you see what I mean. I don't think I'm really the type that wears clothes like that, and they came up too big as well, so I gave them to Oxfam. Do you have any friends in their (WHACK TEN YEARS ON YOUR AGE) who might like it? Such a shame, really'.

There's nothing rude in that comment. But by gum, it's what a previous poster referred to as 'barbed'.

And I bet you don't get any more clothes. Job done.

Have a hug. Size comments suck.

Nagini · 19/07/2011 19:50

Grin saucer of milk for joric

Poweredbypepsi · 19/07/2011 19:53

you dont sound overweight at all. I like the suggestion of asking if they meant to be rude, i am making a note to use it with my dad!

ZillionChocolate · 19/07/2011 20:00

In itself, I wouldn't necessarily be offended by the offer of clothes that are the wrong size, whether too big or too small. If my size 8 (sometimes size 6 friend) offered me a pair of trousers which were too big, I'd give them a go. If a size 14 friend found trousers too small, I'd give them a go.

I think though the "far too big" was unfair if there's not much difference between you and your sister. You could respond by saying "what size are they?", presumably she ordered them in the correct size and they're just a big 8/10/12/whatever?

In my opinion, you're small, regardless of the fact that you've just had a baby. I hope you get your confidence back soon so that this bitchiness/insensitivity won't hurt you.

joric · 19/07/2011 20:03

Nagini!!! Ha! :o

hairfullofsnakes · 19/07/2011 20:06

You sound like you are a great weight and you've only just had a baby! Relax a little as their opinions are rubbish!

microfight · 19/07/2011 20:12

You are definitely a lovely weight.

You know it's their issue don't you?

I had this with my grand mother all my life. I remember going to see her when I weighed 9 stone (I'm 5ft 5) and her pulling me up against a mirror to see if I had seen how fat my face was!!
I dealt with it after it had got too much by telling them sternly but politely NEVER to mention mine or my children's weight EVER because they seemed to have an obsession with it! They have never mentioned it again, I just wish I'd spoken to them sooner!