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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or ridiculously oversensitive - comment re weight

62 replies

livingonsaladalone · 19/07/2011 18:37

Just need to vent about this really. My mother (makes frequent comments about my weight / appearance, and always has done) just called me up to say that she was sending me a few tops that my sister had bought (for herself) in the sales but had since decided were "far too big for her" (I think she ordered them online), and so they (mother and sister) thought that I might like them. I have never been so tempted to respond with a "f* off" in my life. I have a ten week old baby (my second), and they know I've been trying ridiculously hard to lose my baby weight - I eat as little as seems feasible while breastfeeding, and run every night. My sister is very tall and slim, but (as she is 6 inches taller than me) I actually suspect we're probably quite similar in clothes size just now. Fot what it's worth, I'm 5ft 3 and 9 stone exactly (which is almost a stone more than my pre-baby weight, but I am losing it fast). The comment / sentiment has reduce me to tears and made me feel really crap about my post-baby body, as if I didn't already. A total overreaction to a well intended gesture? Or just a really thoughtless / bitchy thing for them to do?

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 19/07/2011 20:43

TBH op I don't like the sound of:

"I eat as little as seems feasible while breastfeeding, and run every night."

and

"I am losing it fast"

Are you sure you are not giving ib to their obsession with weight and over doing it :(

Slow and steady is the only way

Take no notice of them

afussyphase · 19/07/2011 20:56

My mother does this occasionally too! Things like "you look good, you must be in a thin phase" -- thanks, sure, if I look good it's temporary! You sound beautiful, don't lose any precious newborn baby time obsessing about your weight :)

mosschops30 · 19/07/2011 21:01

From someone who is totally weight obsessed - tell them to fuck off.

Your baby is 10 WEEKS OLD FFS its a time when you should still be mostly wearing pyjamas and eating what you like, especially whilst bf, not running every night.

I am now a size 8 but my youngest is 20 months, it should take 18m to 2 years before you get back to normal, not 10 weeks, enjoy this time Smile

JamieAgain · 19/07/2011 21:10

It's their issue - it's their anxiety. Your weight is fine, but I know how discombobulating it is when your weight changes post-baby, along with all the other changes.

You run every night, though? Give yourself a break

I am 5ft3 and 9 stone, after 2 babies and 10 years - you were a little underweight before, surely?

JamieAgain · 19/07/2011 21:13

Do you think it's possible you got some screwey weight issues from your mum?

Original poster
livingonsaladalone · 19/07/2011 22:20

Thank you, you are all very kind and I feel cheered up. I do like the idea of asking whether she means to be rude, the next time (and inevitably there will be a next time!) one of these comments is made.

microflight - well done, that is certainly a result!

CurrySpice / JamieAgain - yes, I am fairly sure I do have some screwey weight issues! I can usually keep them in check, but I think it's just the post-baby / no control over body phase which I'm finding hard (also have a bit of diastasis recti this time, which is not helping). My mum has commented on my weight (/hair/clothes/skin etc) constantly for as long as I can remember (interestingly I have noticed that she will always comment - to me - on the physical appearance of someone she has met / met up with, whether in a positive or negative way. It is the main way she seems to relate to people, and she will always pass judgement. I don't think she even realises she does it.). I am trying very hard not to pass this obsession on to my own children, but worry that it is now ingrained.

ACT that is really sad, you sound lovely. It is amazing the ability our parents have to fuck us up, isn't it.

My DH says that Bridget Jones's mum is heavily modelled on her, and I think he may be right!

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 19/07/2011 22:28

The last thing my dad said to me before I emmigrated was that he'd just watched an episode of Trisha on weight and risk of early death and he thought I should go on a diet. Errr. Yeah. Thanks Dad. Bye. See you in 4 years. Confused

springydaffs · 19/07/2011 22:29

I wish I was 5' 3" and 9st!!!! Shock. That would mean I'd died and gone to heaven. lucky you (are they sticks??)

Original poster
livingonsaladalone · 19/07/2011 22:36

springydaffs, yes, they are sticks. To be honest probably not very healthy-looking sticks. Very much of the "you can never be too thin" mentality. My mum loves to tell the story of how she never gained more than 10lbs in any of her pregnancies (which in light of the weight of her babies, all 7lbs +, must have been a net weight loss....or just complete bull).

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 19/07/2011 22:49

Bloody hell - 5.3 and 9 stone, I'd be spitting nails if it was implied I was overweight at that weight/height having just had a baby.

Roo83 · 19/07/2011 23:24

My mil gave me 'hold me in' pants two sizes too big for me as a Christmas present one year. You can't get more blunt than that! Dont put pressure on yourself to lose weight-with bf it will come off naturally anyway so take it easy and enjoy your baby

JamieAgain · 20/07/2011 08:27

That's really hard for you to maintain an objective view about things if you've always had that. My mum (and dad) also comment a lot on weight - eg we'll be watching telly and they'll describe someone size 12-14 as "hefty". I do always challenge them on it. It's all projection - and at least in my case it's a fairly recent thing - I don't recall anything like that in my childhood.

If you are generally fit and toned (which it sounds like you are), and slim, the good thing is your muscles will be in good shape. I had no stomach muscles to speak of so that's the problem for me.

JamieAgain · 20/07/2011 08:28

Not sure what diastasis recti is ?

Original poster
livingonsaladalone · 20/07/2011 09:08

That all sounds familiar, Jamie. I recently had an argument with my mum when she described Davina McCall as a "big girl"....

Diastisis recti is seperated tummy muscles post-baby (i.e. still looking a bit pregnant even when you're not!).

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 20/07/2011 09:12

Well, the way your mother treats you, I'm not surprised you think you're overweight!

However, I am the same height as you and I'm aiming to get to just under ten stone, and then I'll feel fantastically slim!

TheProvincialLady · 20/07/2011 09:14

I agree that you are overdoing the weight loss. When you have a 10 week old BF baby it is not necessary or sensible to eat as little as possible and run every night. You need to look after yourself a bit to be healthy and the weight will still come off.

I honestly think that some counselling would benefit you, to help you think about the way you eat and the way you could respond to your mother. Perhaps not right now though!

poppygolucky · 20/07/2011 09:21

Your weight sounds very healthy for your height AND the fact you gave birth 10 weeks ago. My DD is 3.5 weeks old and I'm 5 foot 5 and currently 12 stone :(
However if anyone called me 'big' I'd tell them to fuck right off, have a little cry and then open another packet of digestives. BFing means you are allowed to do this :)
Seriously, don't stress. Enjoy your baby and get back to your pre-pregnancy weight in good time. I aim to lose my final stone and a half by Xmas. It took 9,months to put it on, it should take that to lose it.

BrandyAlexander · 20/07/2011 09:25

OP, this is bizarre, we're "twins"! I am 5'2" and gave birth 10 weeks ago as well to my second child. I am also 9 stone, which is a stone over my usual weight. As we have the same physique, I am guessing you're normally a smallish size 8 and are now currently a size 10. I am also breastfeeding. I have not started exercising yet (plan to in the next couple of weeks) and I am eating healthy meals (not trying to cut down). If anyone told me that I was overweight, I would do tell them to fuck off and then temporarily cut them out of my life. My priorities right now are firstly my children and secondly me. You and I both need to eat healthily in order to have the energy to breastfeed and also run around after our older chidren (mine is a toddler). Really, I know they're your relatives but you don't need them undermining your confidence right now, its beyond cruel.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 20/07/2011 09:46

OP you are clearly very slim and slight and should not have to be putting up with this kind of nonsense from your family. 9st just 10 wks after giving birth sounds fantastic.

I actually wanted to say to you that you should maybe rethink the nightly running. I think running (which is quite 'high-impact') is not really the thing for your poor ten-week post-partum and breastfeeding body. When I did post-natal physio (standard here) the therapist told me to stick to gentle exercises (sucking in tummy, leg and arm toning, possibly swimming etc.) for at least the first 3-6 months. I think that sort of gentle approach will work out better for your long-term well-being. Your body is under a lot of strain already - recovering from the birth, producing milk and probably not getting enough sleep. Give yourself a break.

And don't be afraid to eat - you need the calories to feed your baby. I gave birth nine months ago and all the baby weight and quite a bit more besides has steadily dropped away over the months. And I eat more than I normally would. And I have yet to start proper exercise again. Took the physio's advice a bit too much to heart maybeWink.

TrinaLuciusMalfoy · 20/07/2011 09:53

Blimey, wish I was as 'overweight' as you... Wink

JamieAgain · 21/07/2011 17:25

OP - check with your GP, but I've used a Slendertone belt on my seriously weak tummy muscles and it really helped

birdofthenorth · 25/07/2011 15:54

  1. you are light- I am envious Envy

  2. you're baby is 10 weeks old!!! Give yourself a break from dieting & enjoy him or her

  3. your mum is an insensitive cow & needs to be told so!!

manicbmc · 25/07/2011 16:00

Get your mother some wrinkle cream and your sister a book on manners.

birdofthenorth · 25/07/2011 16:03

In fact, consider showing your mum this thread! (then change your name forever more!)

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 25/07/2011 16:08

Your baby is 10 weeks old. You so do not need to be worried about losing weight yet. It's horrible for you that you already feel so under pressure that you're hardly eating anything.

FWIW - I've just had my 4th and I weigh now (after 7 months) what I did at 39 weeks with my first (Oops!) BUT if anyone criticised me for it, they'd be likely to feel the back of my hand or at the very least I might give them a mouthful.

YANBU - Your Mum and Sister are.