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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take ds and disappear for a few days? :-(

62 replies

Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 21:40

Dh and I are having problems at the moment, well basically my problem is him and his shitty moods. He doesnt speak, is permanently grumpy and is bringing the whole house down.

I have come upstairs because it actually depresses me being around him at the moment, he came up, asked what was wrong. I told him that he was a grump, and that ds (4) had even said tonight "daddy is always in a bad mood" Sad.

Cue him storming off, ranting that everything is always his fault etcetc

The way I feel at the moment I could quite happily pack a bag for ds and I tomorrow and disappear off radar. Childish/selfish probably but at the moment he just thinks that he can carry on being like this without caring how ds and I feel.

WIBU to book into a nice hotel for a few days? Don't really feel like turning up at parents 150 mikes away airing dirty washing in public. Sad

OP posts:
purpleloosestrife · 06/07/2011 21:44

can i come too? I have a grump of a DH

Smellslikecatpee · 06/07/2011 21:45

Me too. OH is such a PIA right now a jolly sounds so good!!!

Glitterknickaz · 06/07/2011 21:45

Are your parents unlikely to be supportive?
I only ask as I'd counsel against the going it alone thing, it's good to have support at a time like this, perhaps it would be better to turn up at your parents.

If you have a good relationship with your family then it's not airing dirty laundry.

However if you're not in that situation, then are there any friends who are around for moral support?

I just hate to think of you dealing with this on your own Sad

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 21:47

You want him to acknowledge how his behaviour affects you, YANBU to do that.

I can understand why you'd want to do something drastic just to see how much he cares for you, and to make him realise just how much is on the line.

Plus going to a hotel gets you out of the horrible walking on eggshells prison you're in at the min.

If I were you though I'd wash your dirty linen and let your parents give you a bit of support and TLC, if you go to a hotel it'll just be you turning things over in your head on your own and your DS bouncing off the walls.

Give them a call, you don't have to go into details until you're ready.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 21:48

Parents would be supportive, but I guess I really don't want to get into it with them? Don't want to talk about our problems or have to explain?

I have friends, one that lives near parents, that could potentially put us up but I would feel so cheeky asking. All the rest are either joint friends or wouldn't have the space for us. Best friend lives 5 doors up so probably not the best choice.

I just feel like disappearing. Teach him a bloody lesson. Am aware that sounds extremely childish. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 21:49

The thing is he would know I had gone there IYKWIM? And it wouldn't really bother him.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 06/07/2011 21:49

GM - sorry to read this. I think you need to think about what you actually want to do. Do you want to leave him or do you want to go away have a day or two to yourself and let him have some space to reflect on his own behaviour?

I would be inclined to say that you and ds are going away fro a couple of days. You will be back and the you and he will talk but you will not go on feeling miserable as you do now. It has to stop one way or the other. Very easy to say I know.

hellospoon · 06/07/2011 21:49

What agentzigzag said. And a mumsnet hug

AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 21:56

It's not being childish to feel frustrated and powerless when someone is constantly saying you're feelings are insignificant and they don't care about them.

You say it depresses you at the moment, what's changed in him?

I know my DH can get stressed with work but doesn't really talk about why, it just comes out in his behaviour sometimes.

Is he struggling?

I'm not saying that's your responsibility, but was just wondering if he recognised his behaviour has shifted.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 22:02

He is struggling, he hates his job, but its compounded by the fact that it's likely he will be out of s job by the end of the year (contractor).

I have tried so hard to be understanding, to offer alternatives, look for jobs for him, listen to his moans but it's never fucking appreciated. He just looks for an excuse to have a go at me. He never smiles, or makes conversation or says anything nice. It's just one long moan or miserable silence. Honestly we could go all night without talking if it wasn't for me making (and failing) conversation.

I just want to shake him and tell him to get a fucking grip. There are so many opportunities out there, but sitting on some stupid football forum night in night out isn't going to do anyone any favours.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 22:10

It sounds like he's given up and is at rock bottom.

In an ideal world you'd say don't give up on him as well, but fuck, it's difficult living in that kind of atmosphere day in day out, especially if your DS is being affected.

He needs motivating, but as you've tried everything you can think of and can't very well get a job for him, he needs to want to do it himself.

Maybe it just seems such a huge wall to get over he doesn't know where to start, the forum is probably just an escape for him, but where are you supposed to escape to?

Has he ever opened up to you about it?

hairfullofsnakes · 06/07/2011 22:16

I don't think you should just go, but why not book a break for you and your child for a few days and put a little breathing space between you both? Tell him of course!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 22:17

Nope, old school army "feelings are for wimps" style Hmm

I honestly have tried everything I can think of, I actually dred him coming home most nights because the atmosphere changes so much the minute he walks in the door... It's like a big black cloud

"how was your day?"
"shit"

Although thinking about it, he never ask how my day was. Sad

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 22:23

You can get extremely self absorbed when you're vulnerable geordie, it's like you just haven't got the strength to take on anything else.

The amount he's withdrawn could be an indicator of just how far down he's gone.

It's not that I don't appreciate how much this affects you, but he sounds a bit on the edge tbh.

MadYoungCatLady · 06/07/2011 22:23

I've been in that sitaution before OP - I really feel for you. Thankfully my DS was staying with my parents so I booked in to a nice-ish hotel about 10 mins drive from where we were living. Unfortunately, I found I was more depressed because I was alone. I ended up calling DP and asking him to come to the hotel because I was sad and lonely.

Try telling him that this is what you are thinking because you are so unhappy. If he doesnt seem to give a damn, then go! And go somewhere nice and make it a fun break for you and your DC. It might be what he needs - to miss you.

Tillyscoutsmum · 06/07/2011 22:29

Sad Geordie.

DH can be a bit like this sometimes. Just so fucking miserable and then that makes me think that I (and the dc's) aren't enough for him. I know people have shit times but ultimately, he has a lot of good stuff in his life and, instead of focusing on that, he just seems to focus on the shit stuff. He is just a "glass is half empty" kind of person, whereas I am the opposite.

Any chance you could write him a letter ?? I know a conversation is often hard because they immediately get defensive and it turns into a strop/argument/sulk. Try and make it as unaccusatory as possible but just point out how his behaviour effects you (and DS) and how you are willing to support him as much as possible but basically explain how seriously you feel about it. I know I've done it with DH and he's just so self absorbed in his own wallowing and has been nowhere near close to realising how shit it makes me feel and how it seriously makes me question our relationship.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 23:00

Just been down to try and talk to him.

Absolutely fucking useless. Couple of yes/no/ everythings my fault then turned back to laptop

What is the bastard point????

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 23:06

Could you tell him you're going just before you get off and leave the ball in his court?

Will he contact you though? Sad

You don't think he'd do anything stupid if something else went wrong in his life do you?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 23:08

I honestly don't know.

Up until tonight I'd have said no, but it really does seem like he doesn't care about us anymore.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 06/07/2011 23:10

Even if it seems like that, do you think he loves you and your DC?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 23:12

Yes, I think so.

It just feels like I am getting absolutely nothing out of this marriage anymore. No conversation, no kindness, no affection, haven't had sex for months. Sad

Just feel like what is the point.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 06/07/2011 23:12

Is he depressed and if he is do you actually know how that feels? Has he problems at work? Have you even asked why he is so down?

If he is depressed he cannot just lift himself up, it is not easy, Im sick to death of the pull yourself together shit if only it was that easy.

Give some thought to why he is so miserable and try to help him get better rather than be pissed off because you cannot be a good partner and help him through what ever bad times he has.

flamegirl77 · 06/07/2011 23:15

Sounds like a horrible situation. My husband was a bit like this for a while. He was subsequently diagnosed with depression. Counselling and medication have really helped. But it's horrible to be around someone in that frame of mind. It sounds like you definitely need a break and there is some great advice here. Longer term could you tell him you are concerned about his health and ask him to see his GP? Easier said than done I know. Good luck!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 23:17

Flabby I have tried so much to help him, tried to get him to talk, suggested things to lift him a bit.

Christ I even said I would move to the other side of the world with him. I've suggested he goes on a mates reunion, try and make nice meals, give him time to himself, make sure I appreciate it when he does things (like the garden), send him links to jobs, suggest early nights, run baths god the list is endless.

He says he has nothing to talk about, which is why he spends all night on the laptop, and I am just supposed to accept that.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/07/2011 01:04

Go and have that break...Bet your DS would love an adventure.

He sounds like a nightmare!