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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take ds and disappear for a few days? :-(

62 replies

Geordieminx · 06/07/2011 21:40

Dh and I are having problems at the moment, well basically my problem is him and his shitty moods. He doesnt speak, is permanently grumpy and is bringing the whole house down.

I have come upstairs because it actually depresses me being around him at the moment, he came up, asked what was wrong. I told him that he was a grump, and that ds (4) had even said tonight "daddy is always in a bad mood" Sad.

Cue him storming off, ranting that everything is always his fault etcetc

The way I feel at the moment I could quite happily pack a bag for ds and I tomorrow and disappear off radar. Childish/selfish probably but at the moment he just thinks that he can carry on being like this without caring how ds and I feel.

WIBU to book into a nice hotel for a few days? Don't really feel like turning up at parents 150 mikes away airing dirty washing in public. Sad

OP posts:
giraffesCantZumba · 07/07/2011 01:19

Oh geordie thats shit :(

Was thinking maybe depressed - but it sounds like even if is he wont talk about it.

What age is ds again? 3/4?

Around next week if you want a coffee :)

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 08:02

Well he slept in the spare room last night, and has just gone off to work without even speaking to mr. Great eh?

OP posts:
oohjarWhatsit · 07/07/2011 08:19

he is probably at the end of his tether wondering how you are going to manage when he loses his job. He probably knows that jobs are far and few between in many sectors and the worry is killing him

why not sit down, not accusingly or defensively and say hey love, whats wrong? We will manage together whatever happens but lets talk about it

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 08:30

Have been there and done that many times unfortunately. Have Sent links to jobs, told him that if he wants to go for a job in Dallas then we could come with him, explained that we would manage if he had to go to London to work for a bit.

I have asked him if we can sit down and talk about plans for the future, but he never wants to talk, head in sand 8 hours a day discussing the transfer window is a better option.

We have only been married 2 years, the way things have been over the past few weeks I can't see it lasting much longer Sad

OP posts:
spookshowangel · 07/07/2011 08:37

even if he is depressed there is only so much you can do if he wont recognise it and get help. all the nice meals and run baths and reasonable chats wont mean a damn. i'm sorry if this sounds callous but having spent 10years with some one like this i would say if he isnt willing to value you enough to get some help and abuse your love and kindness with his behaviour i would say you are wasting your time sitting around hoping he will miraculously change.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 08:59

I guess that was mynthinking behind leaving for a few days, that it might shock him into actually getting his arse into gear.

To be honest I don't know whether he actually is depressed, or whether it just easier for him not to bother his arse about anything, and mope around feeling like the whole world is against him. He doesnt want help, he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to try and make things better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 14:22

Have left. He really doesn't care. He knows and didn't even try to stop us. So very Sad

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 07/07/2011 14:31

So sorry Geordie. Where are you now?

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 07/07/2011 14:32

I have a miserable arsehole as well....it just gets you down doesn't it.

Sorry he didn't try and stop you, don't know what to say really

PhilipJFry · 07/07/2011 14:33

Geordie, I can't imagine how hard it must have been to take that step, but I think you are doing the right thing for you and your child. It must have been really hard living with someone who you dread coming home and refuses to communicate, you did all you could to try and change things. It wasn't fair on you to stay so unhappy and stressed out.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 07/07/2011 14:33

Thinking about it though, you can only do/put up with so much before it starts affecting and ruining your life and your DC's

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 14:35

On my way to mums. 150 milles away. Couldnt face q shitty b & b and didjr really want to fork out £400+ for somewhere nice just to be miserable

OP posts:
hoolabombshell · 07/07/2011 14:44

Oh Geordie I am so sorry. It could be my DP you're talking about, coming in under a black cloud every night, always seems to be in a bad mood and bad tempered. He's only on a contract as well, so our financial situation is fairly dire. I know he shows signs of depression but would never admit to it.

When you said about the online football forums I had to laugh, only because my DP does exactly the SAME THING almost every night. He does want to spend quality time with me and DS but I just feel hollow inside because I wonder if I even enjoy his company anymore. The other night he stormed through the door in a temper while I was feeding DS and the poor baby actually jumped and looked at me as if he was about to cry. It made me so fucking angry because I never want my son to walk on eggshells around his father the way I do.

I am glad that at least you have some kind of family in the same country to go to, I say "relatively" as mine are 12,000 odd miles away. Doesn't make things any less sad though does it?

I do hope you manage to work something out, keep in touch and let us know what happens x

PhilipJFry · 07/07/2011 14:44

Sounds like the best place to go to. You can have some head space, talk to your mum and relax with your son. Hope the journey goes smoothly for you.

Andrewofgg · 07/07/2011 14:48

Your DS is his DS however he behaves. So you have to let him know that his DS is safe and well and when you will be back. Letter in the house, message on his mobile, the lot. But other than that, do it and good luck.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 14:55

Andrew he knows we have gone, I told him. You know wjat, all he had to say was 'please dont go lets sort tjid' and I wouldn't have left.

OP posts:
MadYoungCatLady · 07/07/2011 15:13

Geordie I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel.
Even if he is depressed, if he won't accept help, you simply cant help him no matter how hard you try.
Think of you and DS. The best you can do for him is tell him you are there when he wants to talk, but you need some space as its all too much for you. You have given your all and its not enough for him. What else can you possibly be expected to give?
My ExH and I split because he couldn't handle my mental health. I didn't resent him for it - he gave all he could and I was impacting on his happiness. If you feel you can't handle the situation anymore, you need to walk away.
Good luck.

Andrewofgg · 07/07/2011 18:08

Best of luck, OP, I know how bloody difficult my gender can sometimes be. Hope it works out.

Northernlurker · 07/07/2011 18:54

Oh GM - hope things get better soon.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 19:08

Thank you.

Now I'm worried about him, was determined not to contact him, let him do the running yadda yadda, text before to say I loved him...no response. Sad

OP posts:
giraffesCantZumba · 07/07/2011 19:29

:(

Northernlurker · 07/07/2011 19:36

That's tough.
Im sure he is ok though - sad and angry at himself but ok and you both need some space.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 07/07/2011 20:10

Tried to ring. Nothing.

He didn't even ring to say night to ds.

OP posts:
mrsbiscuits · 07/07/2011 20:21

Like flamegirl77 my DH went through this just after DS1 was born. He ended up signed of work for 2 months with depression. It was fucking hard ( and I don't use the "F" word lightly) and there were days where I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in the same city as him let alone the same house! He was put on meds and had counselling and I went and signed up for 6 months counselling too, completely independent of him. I just needed somewhere to scream.

6 years later and we survived. I won't say it has been easy but we just kept putting one foot in front of the other. We have learned how to communicate with each other and how to recognise and diffuse the onset of his depressive moods. Do I like him all the time? Nope ....but I do love him. I guess what you have decide is how much you want it to work and how much do you want out?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/07/2011 20:28

Oh Geordie, this is a really dreadful thread!

Look, he is going to be fine. I am SO sure he's just paying you back for walking out on him? It's very passive-aggressive of him, I feel.

However, you DO need to try to talk to him again, because otherwise, this is just going to dwindle to a meaningless end of marriage if you're not careful?... You can only try. Is he addicted to online life? that's a genuine question... Can you try to suggest you both make time for each other? Oh, I@m sure you've tried these suggestions before, but you have GOT TO TRY again, otherwise I can see this ending with a permanent break. For you to be so desparate that you drive away...

What have your parents said? I really do feel for you - others have mentioned depression - I think that is a real possibility. But unless he is prepared to acknowledge it.... Can you leave your DS with parents and go back this weekend to talk things through with him in more detail?

I really do wish you luck. Most upset on your behalf, I must say :(

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