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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think life goes on after someone dies?

60 replies

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:13

My dad was widowed nearly 3 years ago and moved to a bungalow about 18 months ago, there are a lot of retired people there and he's made great friends especially with 2 widows. I've met them and they are lovely he's got a new lease of life, my brother called today to say he's been disrespectful to our mom. I don't think he is and we've had an almighty row. Dads happy and that's all I want, life does go on after death.

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 25/06/2011 22:14

Absolutely, the only person who can make a decision as to what your Dad wants to do with his life after the death of his wife is your Dad.

whysolate · 25/06/2011 22:15

YANBU.

giraffesCantZumba · 25/06/2011 22:15

you are not being unreasonable, just cos your dad has there new friends doesnt mean he isnt still grieving for your mum

worraliberty · 25/06/2011 22:16

Agreed OP.

My Dad was widowed 9yrs ago and he now has a 'girl friend' at the grand old age of 79!

It's absolutely lovely to see them go out dancing together/dinner/theatre/holidays etc....

When my Mum was alive, he was a really good Husband to her and he doted on her during her battle with cancer.

It's time he began living and enjoying the time he has left on earth.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 25/06/2011 22:16

Is your brother due to receive an inheritance from your dad that he won't get if your dad remarries? Coz to be honest, I can't think why else he'd be objecting.

tazmin · 25/06/2011 22:16

your brother is being selfish to deny your dad a bit of happiness

unless brother wants dad to go live with him to keep him company, why not suggest that

faintpositive · 25/06/2011 22:18

But folk react to grief in their own way dont they.
Maybe your brother is still very much missing your mum and struggling. Its just his way.

I think you should understand this and give him a bit of time to express it to you....or tell him to wind his neck in.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/06/2011 22:18

Your brother is being a nob. It's none of his business.

BluddyMoFo · 25/06/2011 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smellslikecatpee · 25/06/2011 22:20

YANBU.

I admit I'd find it very difficult if My mother did meet someone else, but on the other hand also worry about her been lonely.

I think that your brother just isn't as far along in his grieving proccess as you, or your Dad is.

Just for my own nosiness, was your brother close to your Mum, help when she was ill?

xstitch · 25/06/2011 22:21

YANBU, why shouldn't your Dad have friends. I'm glad your Dad has found a little happiness.

DoMeDon · 25/06/2011 22:21

Life goes on yes, but doesn't happen as quickly for everyone. My DF will never met another woman out of respect for my DM. That is his choice, I respect it. DM would have wanted him to be happy, as I do, but he wants to be stuck in the anger part of greiving as he has something to cling to. It is a shame your DB is stuck in his greif but a bit harsh to be so down on him. He is probably still struggling.

NewShooz · 25/06/2011 22:21

My Dad was widowed 10 years ago, and has never really come to turns with losing my Mum. I don't think your Dad is being disrespectful at all. I'd love my Dad to find himself a little companion to grow old with. I think your brother needs to realise like you have, that life does go on.

Original poster

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:22

smug yes we will all inherit house, I really don't care I'd rather he spent the lot on cruises and enjoy his life. I don't worry about him anymore as I don't need to as he's got company, great neighbours and wonderful friends. He's 72 but he's so active still playing badminton and swimming.

OP posts:

AlfalfaMum · 25/06/2011 22:22

yanbu.

But your brother must be hurting I guess.

PelvicFloor0fSteel · 25/06/2011 22:24

YANBU your dad being miserable forever wouldn't bring your mum back and I doubt it's what she'd have wanted for him either.

Original poster

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:25

shooz that's all they are is company, he was 1/2 the man he used to be when my mom passed away. He's gradually getting back to his old self but my mom will always be in his heart, he adored her and I told my brother that he can't see why he's being like this.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/06/2011 22:25

Pumpernickel10 I think it speaks more of your brother's grief and struggle to come to terms with the loss of your mum (my condolences).

My mum died when I was a teenager, my dad had some lady friends before marrying again several years later. We had all left home by then and my view (and that of my siblings) was that it would not be fair for us to have all moved on with the next phase of our lives and yet to expect our dad to remain stuck and lonely for the couple of decades.

He had a very happy marriage to our lovely stepmum (sadly they have both passed away now). She never tried to step into my mum's place in my life but she was a lovely grandmother to my kids.

Life does go on, that doesn't mean your mum is forgotten she will always be a wonderful part of your lives but its not reasonable of your brother to expect your dad to spend years alone whilst your brother gets on with his life.

Original poster

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:27

alfa I can't see how he is he's seen my dad once since the funeral and visited my mom only on her death bed, he had 9 months to visit her and he didn't it was only when I said she's got 2 weeks to live you'd better come that he came.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 25/06/2011 22:33

So he's worried about his inheritence and using your deceased mothers memory as an excuse perhaps?

You know him best, what do you think is the problem?

Original poster

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:37

It sounds like it but as I said to him tonight it's not your money it's his.
I think because he didn't pay much attention to mom when she was alive he's somewhat trying to do it now

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 25/06/2011 22:43

Too late now she's gone - if he really wants to make up for it he could pay your dad lots of attention. How often does he visit your dad?

Mollymax · 25/06/2011 23:01

It is nice to know that your dad has new friends to spend time with. Life certainly does go on. I just wish someone would tell my mum that.
My dad died ten years ago and she has not moved on much at all. I do worry about her at times, she tends to spend all her time with her 92 year old mother and not with people her own age.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/06/2011 23:13

I'm afraid I disagree with the idea that your brother is hurting/grieving.

In a different context on a different thread, someone posted (and I paraphrase) that people often accuse others of their own sins. So if your brother is accusing your father of being disrespectful to your mother, it is because he recognises that he has been disrespectful to her, and, possibly subconsciously, seeks to disguise the fact by pointing the finger at your father.

I'm glad your father has a new lease of life, and I can only hope that your brother does not open his mouth and ruin it for him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/06/2011 23:28

WhereYouLeftIt now it has become clear how little effort Pumpernickel's brother has made to see his parents before and after their mum's death I think you may be right.

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