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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think life goes on after someone dies?

60 replies

Pumpernickel10 · 25/06/2011 22:13

My dad was widowed nearly 3 years ago and moved to a bungalow about 18 months ago, there are a lot of retired people there and he's made great friends especially with 2 widows. I've met them and they are lovely he's got a new lease of life, my brother called today to say he's been disrespectful to our mom. I don't think he is and we've had an almighty row. Dads happy and that's all I want, life does go on after death.

OP posts:
AlfalfaMum · 25/06/2011 23:49

aha, yes he's projecting his own short comings onto your father, rather than own up to his guilt at not being there for your mother (or father since her passing), he's going around pointing fingers.

terribletriplets · 26/06/2011 01:03

yadnbu. What sgb said.

cat64 · 26/06/2011 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Smellslikecatpee · 26/06/2011 01:25

I asked the question as when my Df was ill & then dying my DB wasn't around alot, he really couldn't cope with it.

Anyway when DF died DB seems to have a huge amount of guilt massive.
Could your DB feel like this, and be projecting on to your Dad?

musicposy · 26/06/2011 01:34

Have you suggested to him that your mum would probably have wanted him to be happy rather than sat around grieving? I don't think anything changes what he felt for your mum, but sadly she's not around any more. What life is it for him if he sits around just waiting to join her? You are definitely NBU. I wonder how your brother would react to this line of questioning.

Andrewofgg · 26/06/2011 08:28

YANBU. My father died when I was sixteen and when I was twenty my mother found a DP, lovely chap, they head nearly thirty years together till she died and he has since died too. He was quite different from my father but they were immensely happy together and I was delighted for her.

2cats2many · 26/06/2011 08:41

I think the problem is that your brother is still massively grieving for your mum. No-one in their right mind would want their father to be sad and lonely for 3 years which leads me to believe that your brother is struggling with his own feelings.

toptramp · 26/06/2011 09:17

YNBU. Mum dies on Tuesday and we are ad but her suffering is over. If there's one thing that my mum taught me it's to SIEZE the day? Would your mum want your dad to be lonely? Your brother is missing his mum and probbaly is in a bit of denial still and dodn't want things to change but your dad should absolutely enjoy his life.

toptramp · 26/06/2011 09:18

sad sorry

begonyabampot · 26/06/2011 09:40

your brother really has no right to comment at all considering he didn't and hasn't shown much interest in them when it mattered unless it is the money he is worried about.

My mum died nearly 3 years ago and my dad is so miserable it almost makes me angry that life is 'wasted' on him while as my mum would still lived life to the full if she was the one to have been left behind.

It wouldn't necessarily be 'easy' but if he found someone to make him happier, give some meaning to his life then that is up to him - at least what time he has left wouldn't be wasted. My mum and dad didn't have a good relationship, my mum barely tolerated him so maybe I wouldn't feel so 'betrayed' as any new woman wouldn't really be taking her place.

LisaD1 · 26/06/2011 09:45

YANBU, people move on at different times, none of which I think is wrong, grief should take as long as is needed. Some people take longer, some people never really recover. My Grandad died 28 years ago, only 57yrs old, my beloved Nan adored him and never so much as looked at another man, she passed away last year. I admire her dedication to his memory but also think it very sad she didn't find/bring happiness to someone else in those 28yrs, that's a long time to grieve.

I hope your Dad finds some happiness after the sadness of losing your mum, you too.

Original poster
Pumpernickel10 · 26/06/2011 10:18

whereyouleftit I think you right, I'm worried he will say something to Dad if he does I'll go mad. Dads grieved and still does same as me. I know my mom would have carried on if the roles were reversed, she loved life and would have contined to the same way dad as.

OP posts:
AngelsOnHigh · 26/06/2011 10:18

Generally speaking, men move on more quickly than women. It's strange that your brother resents your dad moving on.

Women who stay alone after the death of their spouse aren't necessarily grieving.

My DM was widowed many years ago after a happy marriage and has remained by herself. However she leads a very full and active life with her family and friends.

She attends outings with her senior citizens' club, plays bowls etc. A relative once said DM must be lonely on her own and DM told me privately that she couldn't contemplate having to start cooking and cleaning etc. for someone else again at her age.

I think men move on quickly so they'll have some to do all these things for them.

AngelsOnHigh · 26/06/2011 10:19

someone

Original poster
Pumpernickel10 · 26/06/2011 10:20

So sorry for your loss toptramp these will be hard days for you, I was sort of on autopilot until after the funeral and still hadn't come to terms with it until we cleared her wardrobe out, it hit me then

OP posts:
Tuppenyrice · 26/06/2011 10:31

Toptramp I hope you're ok. Seen your other threads. Shitty thing to go through xx

My lovely Dad died 3 years ago and mum admitted that she would be open to meeting someone new (she's only 61, Dad was 61 when he died (cancer)) I was shocked but delighted as I would love to see her happy. Not to mention having the burden of her lifted but that's a while other narc thread. But my brother and sister hate the idea of mum having anyone else in her life. It's fear and grief.

OP you sound very kind and sensible. Why shouldn't men or women who lose their love have a second chance?

Original poster
Pumpernickel10 · 26/06/2011 10:40

The thing is these lady friends of dads are only friends, he takes them to lunch and to the garden centre and someone that also lives on the close owns the local pub so they have a caberat night once a month. I'm just happy he's getting out and having fun. Someone's always having a BBQ or a party there I'm so glad he moved there.

OP posts:
begonyabampot · 26/06/2011 10:50

be glad - my dad is so alone and miserable (he always was anti social and miserable though) - it is a waste of a life.

Original poster
Pumpernickel10 · 26/06/2011 10:52

Wouldn't your dad want to join a few clubs or anything ?

OP posts:
Rindercella · 26/06/2011 11:04

Pumpernickel, you are of course NBU. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, but it sounds like your father is having a rich, full life. His being happy and his grieving for his wife are not mutually exclusive: he can do both. In fact, he probably can feel really happy one moment and then suddenly hit with grief the next. I would say the issue is your brother's and he is just going to have to come to terms with it. It is very selfish of him to want to restrict your father's own happiness.

My husband, a few days before he died, told me that he wanted me to find happiness with someone else in the future, when the time was right for me and not be alone for the sake of his memory. But he was a remarkable man.

Toptrump, so sorry xxx

begonyabampot · 26/06/2011 11:06

we have suggested it but he almost wants to be miserable and will do nothing to help himself or make things better. he has sort of suggested that he might like some company BTH I would worry about any woman who he got in tow with - even though it would make life easier for my siblings who he now relies on as he isn't an easy person and can be mentally abusive and draining.

Tuppenyrice · 26/06/2011 11:28

Oh Rindercella you just made me cry x

LadyThumb · 26/06/2011 12:37

This happened with my Mum/sister. My Mum was widowed for 13 years when she met a lovely man. They got married, happily, until he died 10 years later. My sister stopped speaking to any of us the day Mum got engaged and hasn't spoken to any of us for 30 years!

He was a lovely man, and we all adored him. In no way did it detract from our memories of Dad.

mrsbiscuits · 26/06/2011 16:40

YANBU but neither is your brother. It might seem so at the moment but we all deal with grief differently and it takes some people longer than others. Of course it's none of your brothers business what your dad gets up to, that is up to your dad. But he has a right to feel hurt if he still hasn't gotten over the loss of your mum - he needs to keep it to himself though.

purepurple · 26/06/2011 16:48

YANBU
It took my dad 10 years to find someone to share his life with again. It was a slow and very painful path for him and I am very happy for him now.
Your brother is being very selfish to expect your father to never be happy again. Everybody deserves to be happy, don't they?