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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we should be able to afford a hol?

70 replies

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:21

I know am going to get told YABU but I dont care-I need a rant!.
Dh has a professional job and earns in the region of £45,000 per year. I am sahm to our dcs. We live in a very small,very run down house and drive a low range car.We have debts mainly due to the fact dh is terrible with money but refuses to let me deal with the household finances.
In all the years we have been together we have had 2 hols-both a week in a caravan at the seaside.
This year he is saying that we cant afford it. Now I know this would be reasonable if we were going to put the cash towards debts but he wont -will just waste it anyway!.
Plus I see families who I know earn far less money than dh who can at least afford a week in a bloody caravan!!.
Before I get a million people on here telling me that they havent had a hol ever or that I should be bloody grateful to be a sahm-I just want to ask am I really BU to expect to be able to afford a hol on that kind of salary?

OP posts:

hugeleyoutnumbered · 14/06/2011 19:27

we are on conciderably less than you, we take two holidays a year with north wales holiday cottages, fantasic company based in conway, not too expensive but some lovely properties, i feel for you and am not going to flame you, but you and your dh need to sort out your finances, get him to hand over the reins to you, hope you manage to get away, what about camping? we go lots its always roughing it a little but we always have fun, our family holidays are great, but maybe an aquired taste

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 19:30

well £45k gross is meaningless on its own

the 2 numbers you need to be aware of are 1) net income - ie money into the bank every month 2) outgoings - money out of the bank every year divide by 12

by how much does 1 exceed 2? that is the number that says holiday or not.

and you are in no position to huff & puff until you DO know those numbers. At the moment you sound like an older child in the house grumbling that Mum & Dad are big old meanies. In actual fact - you are one of the 2 adults who should know this stuff instantly

SO - don't accepet "This year he is saying that we cant afford it." get the information and judge for yourself whether you can afford it, you are an adult

louboutinslover · 14/06/2011 19:30

No, you ANBU! You are not asking for a flash holiday just some time away and a change of scene. Normal, I think. On his salary that should be more than possible. I am sure you are grateful to be a SAHM but you/we still deserve a little treat now and again :)
Try and persuade him to let you take charge of finances as things are clearly not going in the right direction at the moment. I think to be honest, that is the more pressing issue in all of this anyway. Sort out your debts and his spending behaviour! Easier said than done, I am sure. Good luck.

MorticiaAddams · 14/06/2011 19:30

YABU as you CAN afford a holiday and have enough money but your dh is chosing to spend it on something else.

It's not unreasonable to want a holiday for your family but you really need to sort your dh out.

ashamedandconfused · 14/06/2011 19:31

thats my Dh salary and i am a sahm - we have 3 kids, run one small but quite new car (that we saved up for) - have no loans or credit except the mortgage - are gradually doing the house up (been here 10 years, have had new kitchen and bathroom in last 3 years, again, saved up for). we have a small 3 bed semi in one of the most expensive parts of the south east

the 3 Dc all have music lessons, subs for brownies etc, plus money for holiday clubs/school trips/plenty of treats

we have take away once a week and eat out altogether about once a month

we manage 2 x week holiday (in the Uk, self catering) every year - plus long weekends camping/B&B

unlesss you both have very expensive hobbies (and i would include gadgets/concerts/computer games/frequent decoarting/excessive clothes etc/or excessive drinking), or loads of DC or a massive mortgage, I cannot see how you would not be able to afford a holiday - ours is usually about £500 for a cottage for a week in the summer.

nightowlmostly · 14/06/2011 19:31

I think most households earning that salary would usually be able to afford a holiday, so YANBU!

There is obviously other issues here though. What is he spending the money on if he's not putting any money towards the debts? Can I ask, are they debts that were incurred while you were together? ie, was it money spent on you both, or is this from before you were together?

Why will he not let you take control of a monthly budget, has he something to hide do you think, gambling maybe? On the other hand, if you feel you have no control, maybe think about working if you can, even just part time. Would that be possible? That way, at least you would have some financial autonomy and not be beholden to him for every penny when it sounds like he won't even let you know exactly what the financial situation is.

WhoAteMySnickers · 14/06/2011 19:34

YABU for accepting your DH "not allowing" you to have anything to do with the household finances. You need to get involved, and find out exactly why you have so much debt. Is the debt in your name as well as his?

ashamedandconfused · 14/06/2011 19:35

We have debts mainly due to the fact dh is terrible with money but refuses to let me deal with the household finances.

what do you mean by this? what does he waste money on and why? why can't you control the family finances/budget? is it that he thinks he earns it so can spend it as he wishes, without having to "answer to you"?

not exactly taking his responsibilities as the earner seriously then, is he?

Original poster

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:35

Thanks for the quick replies!
cat-I totally agree with your comments but unfortunately dh lies/evades questions about income/outgoings and does all his banking online(password protected). I know that he is always into his overdraft every month but again I think that is more due to his poor money management. The only cash I get is the cb for the dcs(paid into my account) and if I run out then I have to ask for cash from him(£20 max).
The reason I get angry/upset about it is that when I tell my mates I have no money/cant go away they lokk at me because their dhs earn less and yet they all seem to have a better lifestyle than us.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2011 19:36

YANBU to think you should be able to afford a holiday.

Tell your DH that you need to see the figures, i.e the money going in and the money going out and what is left over as expendible income.

Then you both need to come up with a plan to save some money for a holiday. There are always places where money can be saved, just for a few months, to pay for a holiday.

overmydeadbody · 14/06/2011 19:38

pink4eva when you say your DH is bad with money do you mean he just frittles away all that money on himself?

What does the CB that you get get spent on?

Riveninside · 14/06/2011 19:38

Yanbu. We earn about a third of that and could afford camping or a caravn if we wanted too. As it is, dd and her issues stop us but i take ds2 to a home ed camp once a year.

Like others have said, you need to go over the finances. Something isnt right.

ashamedandconfused · 14/06/2011 19:39

the secrecy is not a good thing, in whatever aspect of a relationship - is he into online gambling etc do you think? all that money must be going somewhere - does he go out a lot with his mates? have subscriptions to clubs/gyms etc? drink a lot?

surely you must have a rough idea of your bills, mortgage etc. And assuming you do the shopping, there are probably ways you can cut back there in order to save for treats, even if only a weekend away.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 14/06/2011 19:39

the holiday is a red herring
if he's crap with money, you need to get involved. in fact, regardless of whether or not he's crap with money i still can't understand why you wouldn't know all the ins and outs of your finances.

Pagwatch · 14/06/2011 19:41

If he refuses to let you know what is going on with your finances, refuses to give you the account password and won't talk to you about it then you have far bigger problems than a holiday.

Is the account in your joint names?

diabolo · 14/06/2011 19:41

Several men I know seem to think that a holiday is waste of money and that 4 days in a caravan, s/c is a "treat" for their families/wife. I don't know why, but your DH is not the only man who'd rather spend the money elsewhere.

I just don't get that, I live for my holidays and would struggle without them. I work to pay for them (PT but it's enough).

The way he manages your finances sounds very odd - secretive, almost. I wouldn't like that.

Original poster

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:42

No he is not a gambler-does drink a fair bit but only at weekends. I only have a bottle of wine and have pointed out to him that he could make do with much less(have had issues in this area before but he seems to be slipping into bad old ways). Spends alot on takeaways-every weekend. Yes I am responsible for some of this but in the past year I have stopped having any as a way to cut down spending on this.
We dont have a big mortgage but do have a large loan to pay off(had to buy a bigger car to fit dcs).
I have tried to address these issues with him but just ends up in a shouting match as he flings its back in my face that I dont contribute anything.

OP posts:

mamalino · 14/06/2011 19:43

cat-I totally agree with your comments but unfortunately dh lies/evades questions about income/outgoings and does all his banking online(password protected). I know that he is always into his overdraft every month but again I think that is more due to his poor money management. The only cash I get is the cb for the dcs(paid into my account) and if I run out then I have to ask for cash from him(£20 max).

Fucking hell. You have got more to think about than a holiday. Are you happy living like this?

PrincessJenga · 14/06/2011 19:43

It doesn't sound like the holiday is the problem to be honest. It sounds like you need a Big Talk about money and how you handle household finances. Surely you have every right to know exactly what is coming in and going out?

Riveninside · 14/06/2011 19:43

Sounds controlling to me. I know someone whose husband wont even say how much he earns but told her not to apply for child tax credits as they woulsnt get them. He says yes to holidays but then refuses to book tnem as he has the credit/debit cards and gives her cash for housekeeping.
Controlling imo

mamalino · 14/06/2011 19:44

Cross posted there!

Riveninside · 14/06/2011 19:44

You dont contribute? Bill him for childcare.

PrincessJenga · 14/06/2011 19:47

How can he say you don't contribute?! How many DCs do you have? Can you add up how much you'd be paying in childcare costs if you weren't a sahm to show him in financial terms how much you already contribute? I'm guessing you do most of the housework etc too so add on the cost of a cleaner etc as well.

Original poster

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:49

To the poster who asked what I spend the cb on-clothes for the kids/treats for them(lunches out/softplay etc) and school lunches. I also buy my own clothes and personal toiletries. My one treat is a coffee with friends once a week.
Wouldnt be feasible for me to work as there are very few part time jobs in my area(dont drive as cant afford lessons) and childcare costs would cancel out any income(my parents still work and inlaws wont offer childcare).

OP posts:

ashamedandconfused · 14/06/2011 19:50

as for you not contributing surely you discussed all this before having the Dc/becoming a SAHM?

you need more than a holiday - you need a break from him. dear oh dear.

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