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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should be able to afford a hol?

70 replies

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:21

I know am going to get told YABU but I dont care-I need a rant!.
Dh has a professional job and earns in the region of £45,000 per year. I am sahm to our dcs. We live in a very small,very run down house and drive a low range car.We have debts mainly due to the fact dh is terrible with money but refuses to let me deal with the household finances.
In all the years we have been together we have had 2 hols-both a week in a caravan at the seaside.
This year he is saying that we cant afford it. Now I know this would be reasonable if we were going to put the cash towards debts but he wont -will just waste it anyway!.
Plus I see families who I know earn far less money than dh who can at least afford a week in a bloody caravan!!.
Before I get a million people on here telling me that they havent had a hol ever or that I should be bloody grateful to be a sahm-I just want to ask am I really BU to expect to be able to afford a hol on that kind of salary?

OP posts:
hugeleyoutnumbered · 14/06/2011 19:52

might be worth letting him know that sahm are worth about 30,000 pa in terms of what they do, he sounds like a control freak

Pagwatch · 14/06/2011 19:52

He can pay for childcare.
You can get a job and pay for holidays.

How can anyone think this is reasonable?

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 19:52

"I get angry/upset
I have tried to address these issues with him but just ends up in a shouting match as he flings its back in my face that I dont contribute anything"

get purposefully angry
you need those 2 numbers I mentioned earlier
you will get at them either now or in the divorce court
there is no insult, no excuse, no obfuscation that should prevent you IMPLACABLY from obtaining them

there are many women on this thread - and I am one of them - who would not put up with that nonsense for one tiny second

singlemindedly
don't accept it
don't do anything for him
until you have that information

ashamedandconfused · 14/06/2011 19:52

Look, you guys need a serious heart to heart and if he wont listen/wont talk, you need to be giving him some serious ultimatums. you cannot go on like that.

MsTeak · 14/06/2011 19:53

its not about the money. You could of course afford a holiday on that salary...if you weren't married to a knobber with a money problem.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/06/2011 19:54

Yanbu. You can pay a deposit now at Haven for next year. Its £50 per caravan. My mam pays mine ever year instead of a xmas present and i pay a few pound a week off it and xmas and birthday money as it just gets wasted on rubbish otherwise. Im going to park resorts this year then when i come back my mam will pay my deposit for next year. I only spend my housekeeping money which i would have spent on shopping at home when im away

Fiddledee · 14/06/2011 19:54

I agree lack of holidays is the least of your problems. Child benefit can't cover food, bills, clothes for kids - how do you pay for them? Credit card?

what is "terrible with money" - that is a blanket phrase you are using to cover all sorts of overspending/lack of planning. what is "wasting" money on want

You not having any control over money is not normal.

Is he very controlling in other ways? Has he a girlfriend/gambler etc... that means he is so secretive.

Original poster
pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:55

I pointed out to him at the weekend about how much I am dreading the school hols. We have 3 dcs and I have no help whatsoever(he works mon-fri for up to 14 hours a day). He pulled a nasty face basically implying that I dont know how lucky I am not to work. I have tried to point out to him that I am enabling him to work by being a sahm/cleaner etc but he refuses to believe it.
The thing is if I showed him this thread he still wouldnt believe it-he genuinely thinks that his money is "his" and that I should just be grateful that he is keeping me. Wouldnt say he is controlling-I actually go out more than him(not loads-4 times a year and I save like mad for them). I know I am sounding like a complete door-mat but I am really not!. Its just seems to be a viscious cycle that I cannot break.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 19:56

nb re fifi's post -

DO NOT under any circumstances consider squirreling away child benefit and your little bits of cash to pay off a holiday youirself becasue you are desperate- fifi is controlling her own cash, you have NO control over your household cash

Fifis25StottieCakes · 14/06/2011 19:58

Forgot to add i would just take the kids. I do and we have a ball

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 20:00

"I know I am sounding like a complete door-mat but I am really not!. Its just seems to be a viscious cycle that I cannot break."

Look , you are breaking it now!

you are thinking it through,
discussing it
confirming its Not Right
deciding (I hope) you need to do something about it
perhaps asking the knowledgeable ones exactly how you go about it

you just have to keep going

a holiday represents freedom and controlling your own destiny
I think it's a bit symbolic for you really

Original poster
pink4ever · 14/06/2011 20:01

fiddle-he pays all bills-mortgage,council tax,petrol,insurance,food etc.
I use the cb to buy the kids clothes/shoes/school lunches/activities/treats etc. I dont have a credit card. Would have no way to pay for one.
The vast majority of money is wasted on booze/takeaways-I know it sounds daft but its true!.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 14/06/2011 20:01

OP your husband is a selfish bugger. Sure he 'works' but he wouldn't be able to without you...and £20max, what a tightarse. Its a vicious cycle because he is quite happy for you to be penniless and (unhappy?) You work too OP taking care of the DC's and your home life.
He is not 'keeping' you, you are his wife, his equal, the mother of his children. You should demand more OP even if you think it will lead to fighting because the way you are being treated isn't fair and you should stand up for yourself.

Pagwatch · 14/06/2011 20:02

It isn't a vicious circle that you can't break.

It should be totally non negotiable.

You should refuse to deal with anything else until he deals with the money issue.
You should not be going to him requesting pocket money for gods sake.

Is it a joint bank account?

PrincessJenga · 14/06/2011 20:02

Oh pink, wake up, he is controlling! Maybe you do go out more than him, but he is controlling your finances, your holidays, how you spend your time (because of the lack of money) and he is making you feel like you don't deserve to play a full part in planning for your family.
Sorry if I sound harsh, I just really feel for you and I hope you manage to have a proper talk with him soon.

Fiddledee · 14/06/2011 20:03

you would have much more money if you kicked him out and lived off benefits. I would never thought I would say that.

cleverything · 14/06/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pink4ever · 14/06/2011 20:06

I should perhaps point out that the house is in his name only. I was a student when he bought it so refused to put me on mortgage. He has implied in past that if we split then he would throw me out or refuse to give me money but I know now that is bullshit. I have learnt a thing or two from mnGrin.
I am actually embaressed that I have let myself get in this situation. I am not daft and as I said am fairly confident and articulate. I think alot of the problem is I hate conflict(was a lot of it in my famil growing up!) and thats why I have just let things go on in this way.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 20:08

"fiddle-he pays all bills-mortgage,council tax,petrol,insurance,food etc.
I use the cb to buy the kids clothes/shoes/school lunches/activities/treats etc. I dont have a credit card. Would have no way to pay for one.
The vast majority of money is wasted on booze/takeaways-I know it sounds daft but its true!."

OK - you are smart enough to calculate those 2 numbers I mentioned above

of the cash left after bills, eg £200 what exactly does he spend on crap - £150, £200?£more? yes? hence going into overdraft every month
basically your family cash disappearing into bank interest

I would be beyond angry

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 20:10

learn to love conflict if it gets you what you want - and in this case nothing less than you deserve

Pagwatch · 14/06/2011 20:11

Perhaps it would help if you thought of this as getting your children the things they could have rather than watching you scratch about for their things while their dad fucks about.

Have you thought about what you are showing your dcs about what happens to a woman in a relationship.

If you are able, if you are confident and articulate, then I cannot understand why you would let this go on a second longer.

Awful awful things to model for your dcs.

I am not saying that to criticise but to remind you that when we think we are not making a fuss or doing things to keep the peace we often do not consider the impact on our dcs.
I have done that in the past.

Original poster
pink4ever · 14/06/2011 20:14

From what I can gather from bills I see(and I only know roughly what he actually earns-think his take home pay is £2600 a month after tax?)-
After we have paid all bills/loan/credit card/mortgage/food/council tax/petrol I think we should have about £300 a month left and this(and more) is what is getting wasted on booze/takeaways.
I am going to try and speak to him at weekend and ask him exactly why on his salary we cant afford a hol. Thanks for the advice ladies.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 14/06/2011 20:18

Yes you should be able to afford a holiday of sorts (on that money) BUT (and it's a massive but) there are debts....

How bad are these debts?

MurphyWasAnOptimist · 14/06/2011 20:18

Pink

I think the posters on here have made some very good points.

You really are leaving yourself extremely vulnerable. If your husband walked out on you tomorrow (or God forbid) something happened to him, would you even have access to any money?

LittleMissFlustered · 14/06/2011 20:19

Controlling money like this is a form of emotional abuse. It's domestic abuse. No amount of pussyfooting around will change that. Your husband is treating you like an unpaid slave, and you have thus far let him.

I hope you find the strength to break the cycle. There is a lot of advice and help out there, you just need to reach out. Good luck.