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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we should be able to afford a hol?

70 replies

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 19:21

I know am going to get told YABU but I dont care-I need a rant!.
Dh has a professional job and earns in the region of £45,000 per year. I am sahm to our dcs. We live in a very small,very run down house and drive a low range car.We have debts mainly due to the fact dh is terrible with money but refuses to let me deal with the household finances.
In all the years we have been together we have had 2 hols-both a week in a caravan at the seaside.
This year he is saying that we cant afford it. Now I know this would be reasonable if we were going to put the cash towards debts but he wont -will just waste it anyway!.
Plus I see families who I know earn far less money than dh who can at least afford a week in a bloody caravan!!.
Before I get a million people on here telling me that they havent had a hol ever or that I should be bloody grateful to be a sahm-I just want to ask am I really BU to expect to be able to afford a hol on that kind of salary?

OP posts:

darleneoconnor · 14/06/2011 20:20

You need joint accounts, his being this controlling over money is almost financial abuse.

Original poster

pink4ever · 14/06/2011 20:22

Well I know his pin-number(he has sometimes had no choice but to give me his card though he is never happy about it!).
I am going to have a serious talk with him at the weekend.

OP posts:

dollius · 14/06/2011 20:34

The money he earns is not "his", it belongs to the family - ie you. If you were to divorce, the court would start off from an assumption that you each take 50% of the assets/income out of the marriage. £20 max a time, my arse.
If you want perspective from the other side - I am currently the main breadwinner in our household (I earn twice what DH earns) and I certainly do not consider the money I earn to be "my" money. We split bills etc in a way that leaves us each with the same amount of disposable money every month, and we both know exactly how much the other earns and what everything costs. That's how adults function in a relationship of equals.
Your H sounds like a total twunt.

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 20:47

even before we married my DH to be marched ME into the bank to set up joint accounts for our future convenience, and he has always been the best earner out of the 2 of us. dependingon our circs we have both handled the finances at any one time. he does hand me the odd £20 on request - but simply because I'm never around cash machines and avoid using cash wherever possible [tight git]
it's FAMILY money, not his, not mine

forehead · 14/06/2011 21:02

You need to get a job OP, you are allowing your dh to control you, don't do it.

redwineformethanks · 14/06/2011 21:56

For cheap (free!) holidays you could consider a home exchange. We've done 3 in the UK, all very successful.

This isn't really about holidays though. I'd be uncomfortable being financially dependent on someone else anyway, but especially if there is secrecy about finances.

Is it possible that your DH is resentful thinking that he is out at work all day and you're drinking tea with your pals so don't deserve to share his hard earned cash? Why is he secretive about money?

Original poster

pink4ever · 15/06/2011 08:35

redwine-yes he is massively resentful of my being a sahm. Even though I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to stay at home when kids are young. However even when I have offered to get a job it is not good enough-part time is the most viable in terms of childcare but he would insist on full-time. Plus he wont do the one thing which would greatly improve my chances of getting a job which is ensuring I can drive.
Posters are right-the hol is a red herring. Their are so many issues in our relationships-we both have secrets. But I am stuck as have no where to go(estranged from my family) and obviously have no money. Also I also swore that my dcs wouldnt be bought up in a single parent family like I was.

OP posts:

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 15/06/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mollymole · 15/06/2011 08:51

you know don't you pink that this about much more than a holiday - your DH is a controlling cruel person - he is putting you down and making you completely dependant on him (the thing about driving is scary)
and your marriage has major problems. the things your DH has said about things are not true and he does NOT own everything, if you split up your familial contribution will be assessed and what a bloody shock he would have !!
there are some things I would ask though -
how does he food shop if he works such long hours - does he do it on-line
and if so could you offer to 'take the load ' off him and do this yourself
and why do you think you cannot cope with the kids at home in the school hols - is this what he has put into your mind
i would try and speak to someone who may be able to help - is there a CAB or could you get a 'free initial visit' with a solicitor - keep a record of all the things he has said to you that could be construed as demeaning, mocking, insiduous cruety etc and show it to them
despite the mileage differences there are people on here who will try to help you, so don't be alone, I am not near to you as am in the north - but I will be here for you as a sounding post

mummytime · 15/06/2011 08:53

The holiday is a total side issue. Go to the CAB and get some legal advice. I am assuming you are married?

I was brought up by a single Mum and it was far, far better than the situation you describe. What lessons are you teaching your kids? That women are no better than slaves? That marriage is not about partnership, but about financial worth?
Your name should be on the mortgage, the house should be in both your names; however if you are married you still have a very strong claim on it as it is the family home.

You might want to also talk to women's aid, as this doesn't sound healthy at all.

You do have choices, make some decisions before he makes unpleasant ones for you.

wordfactory · 15/06/2011 08:58

Being a SAHP only ever works if both partners agree it is good for the family and that the role of the SAHP is a valuable one.

If the working partner resents it and refuses to share finances then there are only two options.

Get a job and earn some money yourself.
Leave.

dinkystinky · 15/06/2011 08:59

Your posts have got alarm bells ringing in my head OP - this sounds like a totally untenable position. Your name should be on the house. You should have total visibility about the household finances. If you want to learn to drive, it is something that would benefit your family so you should be able to take lessons and DH should be able to facilitate this. You and your DH should be able to agree an amount (to be taken off the takeaway/booze money) each month to be put away to pay for a holiday in the summer holidays for your family - bet your 3 DC would love a holiday a year! Your relationship does not sound like a relationship of equals - and this is of your DH's making. Its time to bring some equality, and reason, to the table.

squeakytoy · 15/06/2011 09:06

Also I also swore that my dcs wouldnt be bought up in a single parent family like I was

I think you need to rethink that bit. Staying together just for the sake of the children does them absolutely no favours if you are in an unhappy marriage and can lead to a myriad of problems for them as they grow up.

Your husband is controlling you, and depriving you and the children of what could be a happier life.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 15/06/2011 10:22

Pink this is awful, i was thinking about it last night. Its not right what he is doing. Im a single parent brought up in a family of 2 parents and my dad was a TWAT when i was younger.

I am the opposite and believe being brought up in a single parent family is better than having parents who row. My kids are happier now me and their dad have split and they still have free access to both parents.

Yes im skint but i make my own decisions and have control of everything. I feel for you Op i really do. You need to try and get him to release some money to you and the kids if you want to stay with him. Personally i think you should consider getting out.

I agree with the above, my kids would rather do without some luxuries and have a mam who is happy. Your kids are doing without anyway. I cant think of anything more awful than having to ask your DH for money.

Take Care

fgaaagh · 15/06/2011 10:44

I think being, essentially, financially illiterate as to your own family's financial situation (and, seeing your comments later on, highly unlikely to get a job that pays as well as or more than your husband's if he ever decides to have an accident, illness, gets bored, has an affair) has left you in a very scary, precarious situation.

Absolute lunacy to allow your evasive, bad with money, etc husband to have full control over the financial security of the family unit.

A holiday would be the least of my worries.

So, whilst YANBU on the surface, I think your OP is beside the point. You're not seeing the woods for the trees.

Focus on the real problems here and it might stand you in better stead in the long term, than some weekend break or family holiday will.

soverylucky · 15/06/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninedragons · 15/06/2011 11:35

There are far worse things for DC than to be raised by a single family.

Being raised by a married doormat and an absolute fucker is one, for instance.

ninedragons · 15/06/2011 11:36

sorry, single-parent family, I should say

mossip · 15/06/2011 12:22

Hi, we are on an income of more than you, yet live in a run down house, have one old car and don't seem to have any spare money for a holiday. As such I have taken control of the finances and am now saving some every month towards it.

My point is that you need to take action, if he isn't going to. Once it's all down on paper it's very easy to see if you can or can't afford it. If you just randomly spend you end up spending everything you have. If you allow certain amounts for food, clothes, bills etc - you can at least try to keep within that budget.

redwineformethanks · 15/06/2011 15:20

From your post at 08.35 today he is massively resentful of my being a sahm. Even though I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to stay at home when kids are young. However even when I have offered to get a job it is not good enough-part time is the most viable in terms of childcare but he would insist on full-time. Plus he wont do the one thing which would greatly improve my chances of getting a job which is ensuring I can drive.

Before your children were born, did you discuss whether you would go back to work? What was agreed at that stage? I'm not sure if you've said how old your children are. I sympathise with your wish to be a SAHM, but I would imagine that this only works if it is agreed by both parties. If your children are now at school it may be harder to justify not working

Why would he "insist on full time work"? Have you discussed this with him?

Have you said that you want to learn to drive? What is the obstacle? Is it the cost? If so, is there anyone else who could help you learn? Why do you think you would need to be able to drive to get a job? Do you live far from a town / village where work is available? Could you organise a car share?

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