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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect posters to come back and update us?

51 replies

MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 09:59

There have been a few threads on here recently (mainly in Relationships) where people have posted about something and been given lots of support and constructive advice from fellow posters. Then they disappear...

Is it just me, or is it quite rude not to come back just to say "thanks", or to update everybody on how things are going? Obviously you are not obliged to tell everyone everything about your problem, but a quick update... well... that's just good manners, isn't it?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
ledkr · 23/01/2011 10:10

i was thinking that.Im afraid my guess is that most of them make up with dps and dont want to admit it to people who they have slated them too, often the nature of a bad relationship.
I have often had a moan about (lovely) dh and then felt all defensive when people slate him haha

LadyOfTheManor · 23/01/2011 10:13

Hello!

Just to update Blush

I got 3 points and an £80 (!) fine for my speeding offence.

I know you've all been on the edge of your seats wondering what the outcome was from my speeding post. Now you now Grin as you were.

Original poster
MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 10:16

Thanks so much for putting us out of our misery LadyOfTheManor Grin

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 23/01/2011 10:26

Grin @ LOTM!
op - YANBU.

CrosswordAddict · 23/01/2011 11:31

Mommy mayhem I couldn't agree more. People put a lot of thought and effort into their suggestions about other people's problems and then .... nothing! It makes you think Why did I bother?

JessicaRabid · 23/01/2011 12:01

What if OP took the advice to leave their husband, is staying with their parents and has lost their computer in the subsequent divorce? Should they run to the nearest internet cafe to update mners?

I guess my point is that whilst people might seek out advice on the internet they still have real lives and when things are resolved they may not think to update or as another poster said they may have done the opposite. I don't like it when people act like they are owed an outcome/resolution/update like the OP's life is a soap opera! Genuine concern is different though.

Original poster
MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 12:03

I think you are being a bit cynical Jessica. I believe that [most] people genuinely do care on this site.

OP posts:
MsKLo · 23/01/2011 12:06

I want to know:

How is the last in Brazil who turfed her inlaws out?

How is the lady with the nightmare mil who lives next door who keep wanting to take her baby out?

How is the poor lady whose husband died and wa strutting with her baby girl

Did 'slightlyjaded' see the weird 'pombear' couple again?

How is the baby that pombear took in after the baby's mum went to hospital?

I am sure I'll think of more soon

MsKLo · 23/01/2011 12:07

That should have said lady In braZil!

Stac2011 · 23/01/2011 12:18

YANBU i have been wondering about various op's. I realise people have rl but it wouldnt take 2 minutes to update

humanheart · 23/01/2011 12:41

know what you mean. been wondering/worrying about someone who was going for medical tests last week, but don't want to pry (she may have posted somewhere else on this giant site). nah, maybe that's the nature of the internet, you can dip in and dip out again. have a rant, slag off whomever. just a moment, not solidly REAL iyswim, bit embarrassing. also, maybe people are waiting to be asked and don't want to be a bore? (should I post the woman who was going for tests?)

Original poster
MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 13:17

Why don't you try PM'ing her, humanheart?

OP posts:
Blu · 23/01/2011 13:23

YABU.
if someone basically gets others to do their holiday resarch and booking, that's one thing, but in relationships, there could be any number of reasons why people don't return.

It isn't a soap opera with a 'next installment'. I understand people being concerned and keen to know that someone is OK, because you engage emotionally when you give advice, but basically, advice is given,should be given on it's own terms and without expectation of a pay-back in any way.

If getting back to a thread becomes a pressure or obligation for people in difficult circumstances, then it undermines the support.

And sometimes whan a thread becomes a baying pack of 'leave the bastard' or 'he is a twat', it can be very hard to come back and talk about any other approach, for fear of huge numbers of posters being scathing about chances of success, or accusing the OP of weakness. I have seen it happen time and time again.

TheMonster · 23/01/2011 13:27

YANBU.

PomBearEnvy · 23/01/2011 13:29

MsKLo I've updated this morning.

I also want to know if the weird friends of slightlyjaded have been in contact again? They were so bonkers it was unreal!

MirandaWest · 23/01/2011 13:30

Relationships threads are a bit different. It isn't a soap opera - it is prople's lives - and even when people give "good" advice you may not take it and then feel scared/embarassed/stupid to want to admit you are just keeping going for fear of the braying mob

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 23/01/2011 13:31

I think it can be very easy to "lose" the threads you've started as well - I rarely remember to check "threads I've started" Blush

reelingintheyears · 23/01/2011 13:35

There was a young woman in 'Mental health' whose baby was conceived in rape and she wasn't coping.Sad.
I'd love to know how she is.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 23/01/2011 13:43

I often forget about threads Blush

But if someone posts on the thread again and asks for an update it bumps it up into active conversations again and I'm likely to see it and update.

Oblomov · 23/01/2011 13:45

Narks me, no end. Seriously. I post on threads where I like to 'think' I can be of real support. I post where diabetics need help, worried about birth or pg or pumps or whatever.
I post on tongue tie threads and how ds2 barely sleeping for 1st three months type threads. On how I struggled but wasn't actually depressed.
Personal things. Trying to be supportive and giving them the benefit of my experience.
And occassionally, not a 'thanks' or 'by your leave', in response.
How can you 'forget' if it is actually you who starts the thread. And I don't mean posting on tittle-tattle threads where 600 others agree, I mean serious personal threads.
Many people go to a lot of bother to help others, with their posts, but some don't seem to appreciate it.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 23/01/2011 13:52

Oblomov - you can easily forget if you're posting in desperation.

I've just checked my threads I started for the first time in a couple of weeks - and there's a thread on there I don't even remember starting [blush[ (yes I was sober). I was an emotional wreck at the time and once the crisis past, as no-one bumped it into active conversations (and given how quickly threads get lost on there it would be easy to miss if I was away from the computer for all of 10/15 minutes) it's easily forgotten.

I sometimes struggle to remember "Real life" conversations I've had with friends about issues, it's hardly surprising I can often forget about threads once the crisis has passed.

Oblomov · 23/01/2011 14:02

oh o.k. Baroque. Yes, it never occured to me that someone could/would forget. But your post shows thta this does happen. I get it now.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 23/01/2011 14:05

I think in general though most people do remember to come back. Sometimes it's quite a long time after. I remember a thread a little while ago that someone had started - updating from a thread they'd started about a year or so before. They'd got help, gone off to sort their lives out and came back with a lovely update thread a long time after.

blackcoffee · 23/01/2011 14:07

jessicar's example actually happened to me, when I could really have done with some support was in isolated part of the country with limited and unreliable (and £££) internet access having left ex
luckily no one that advised me beforehand felt obligated, I don't think

Adversecamber · 23/01/2011 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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