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Partner is an alcoholic
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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 21:33

I'm pretty certain my partner is an alcoholic but he won't admit it... he drinks 10+ cans a night of strongbow. Can spend up to at least £50 a week on cider which is out of my money (yes I know I shouldn't give him it) he doesn't work. He looks after the kids while I work. Which is fine by me as I don't mind going out to work. The problem I have is he won't admit he has a problem when I know damn well he does! What do I do? Thanks

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 21:40

You can't make him admit he has a problem. You can, however, decide if you want it to be YOUR problem.

At the very least, he's hungover when he's caring for your DC. It's very likely he drinks more than you think, and that he's drinking during the day.

The question is, what do you WANT to do? Are you happy living like this? Are you happy for him to carry on spunking your money on cider, and possibly being under the influence whilst in charge of the kids? Because right now, you're enabling him, and that will only lead to disaster. I say this as a recovering alcoholic, by the way.

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 22:04

I don't want this no.. I'm stopping him from having any money. At the moment I'm
On mat leave, he starts drinking about 3pm until about 11/12pm. He says he's never hungover as he doesn't drink to get pissed 🤔

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 22:12

He doesn't drink to get pissed, on 10+ cans per night? Sounds like he's very much in denial. Has he always been a heavy drinker, or have you noticed it escalating?

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 22:29

He started drinking when I was pregnant with our first. So would of been about 3/4 years ago. He's never really had a day off. Says he can do it. Doesn't have a problem. He'll show me next week etc... it seems to be getting worse now! Especially now I've ended up skint and having to borrow money. As I say I'm not doing it anymore enough is enough! X

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 22:35

I'm sorry, it definitely sounds like he has a problem Sad He says he'll 'show you next week' - next week will never come, and I think you know that.

As far as is practical, don't keep money in the house. Don't give him access to your bank cards etc - it's absolutely NOT fair that you're having to borrow money because of his drinking. Alcoholics will always find money for booze somewhere.

Do you live together?

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 22:42

I know that now yes. I dread Wednesday (day I get my weekly money). Yes we do. We have an 2 year old and 5 month old baby x

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Wolfiefan · 22/07/2017 22:48

The fact he's never hungover means he's drinking so heavily his tolerance is more. Doesn't mean it's healthy though.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Seek support for yourself. Al anon helps families. If he won't admit there's a problem and seek help then you have to do what is best for you and the kids. That could well mean it's time for him to leave.

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 22:49

I really feel for you. What do you plan to do on Wednesday? I know you want to put your foot down - good for you! - but how is he likely to react? Does he get aggressive?

Don't draw any money out from the cashpoint. Is there anyone you can give your bank card to, like your mum? Just so it's out of the house, but so you still have access to it. Or do you have a joint account?

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LoniceraJaponica · 22/07/2017 22:53

You have no future with him unless he stops drinking. Sorry.

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 22:54

Thanks wolfie I didn't realise they catered to families too. Im going to change my PIN number so he can't draw anything out if he wanted. I can't really give to my mum as i have 2 little kiddies and would like to have it on me for emergencies. No he doesn't get aggressive but he'll sulk alllll night but I'm just going to have to let him to. I'm done with it now! X

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 22:54

No joint account thank god. It would be empty! X

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Wolfiefan · 22/07/2017 22:56

Not Alcoholics Anonymous. Al Anon is as far as I know just for families and separate.
Unfortunately the only way you will be done with it is if HE decides to stop or he moves out. An addict always finds a way.

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 23:00

Yep, just let him sulk. And please do seek support for yourself - he isn't going to change. I dropped through about 8 different rock bottoms before I finally stopped drinking. Sometimes, death is the only thing that stops an alcoholic drinking, and for the sake of you and your DC, you don't have to be around to watch that happen.

You have to put yourself and the kids first, because for as long as he's throwing booze down his neck, he won't be thinking of anyone other than himself x

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 23:01

This is true. We've had a row tonight about other things and he's told me he wouldn't leave (his name is on tenancy) unless he had somewhere to go first. He thinks I should leave lol. I just laughed at him. He couldn't afford this house and the bills etc, he has no income at all. I have it all! X

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 23:03

He really doesn't think of his as he spends (the kids money as I call it) and he just says he knows they have everything they need (food,milk etc) but they don't if I have to borrow. He doesn't get that. So frustrating x

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 23:08

It's not that he doesn't get it - he just doesn't care, because you're there to pick up the pieces while he gets to sit around being an irresponsible manchild.

No more. Change your PIN, don't keep cash on you. Keep your bank card on you at all times. Thank god you don't have a joint account!

Does he claim any benefits himself, or is he entirely reliant on you?

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 23:12

I never have cash on me anyway i always use card so that'll be attached to me from now on. He relies on me as jobcentre said I earned too much for him to qualify for any benefit! I will be doing 20
Hours when I go back to work on min wage!

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InflagranteDelicto · 22/07/2017 23:13

Your life is what mine once was. Remember the 3 c's. They will stand you in good stead.

He will never get it. The need for alcohol will always come first. Your priority must be to your DC. They have no choices in this, they are dependant on you to meet their needs

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 23:16

How they can say you earn too much for him to qualify for JSA is a bit baffling! Is this what HE has told you, or have you seen letters from the DWP stating this yourself? Because it doesn't sound right to me - you're not working at the moment, I take it?

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 23:18

What are the three c's? I'm on mat leave at the moment. No I never saw any letters he just come home from the job centre one day and he told me. I've never questioned really as never been on it myself so don't know how it works. X

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 23:18

Ah sorry, I see you do work at the moment. I'm still a bit puzzled about the fact he can't claim JSA though, if you're only doing 20 hours at NMW.

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BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/07/2017 23:19

I call bullshit on his part, then. He has no intention of claiming JSA, because he doesn't want to commit to finding work or attending jobseeker interviews. That's how it looks to me as an outsider, anyway.

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InflagranteDelicto · 22/07/2017 23:20

3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Look at entitled to. That should tell you whether he's entitled to. Xh wouldn't to begin with, it would damage his ego. Ffs!

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InflagranteDelicto · 22/07/2017 23:20

3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Look at entitled to. That should tell you whether he's entitled to. Xh wouldn't to begin with, it would damage his ego. Ffs!

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overduemamma · 22/07/2017 23:21

I'll do the calculator tomorrow and see what that comes up with. Why does life have to be so bloody hard at times! X

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