Partner is an alcoholic

[overduemamma]

I'm pretty certain my partner is an alcoholic but he won't admit it... he drinks 10+ cans a night of strongbow. Can spend up to at least £50 a week on cider which is out of my money (yes I know I shouldn't give him it) he doesn't work. He looks after the kids while I work. Which is fine by me as I don't mind going out to work. The problem I have is he won't admit he has a problem when I know damn well he does! What do I do? Thanks

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Life will be a hell of a lot easier if you get rid of your 'D'P, but I know that's easier said than done, especially when you have little ones together.

If you stay together, and he refuses to admit his drinking is out of control - and believe me, this is only the start of it - this is going to be a nightmare for you. Alcoholism is a dreadful thing, and it affects everyone around the alcoholic. Please don't lose your life, and your DC's lives, to this man. I put my own family through hell when I was drinking.

[overduemamma]

I know it would be it's just doing it isn't it. My youngest is only 5 month old! I've said to him I don't want to be with an alcoholic. His family don't have a clue what he's like. Well done for recovering.. I just wish he'd admit he's got a problem. I think he knows deep down he does but the words just won't come out x

[overduemamma]

What happens if you go cold turkey? How did you come off the alcohol? X

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

It's really, really tough, isn't it? I know you just want to make everything better, keep the family together, all the rest of it, but HE is the one tearing it all apart. Alcoholism is selfish, it really is.

I'll always be 'recovering'. I've relapsed more times than I can count. I've always known and admitted that I had a drink problem though, which is the hardest step to take. He doesn't sound ready to do that, and for you to stick around waiting for him to admit it will cause you SO much heartbreak. You deserve better x

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Cold turkey is never a good idea for a heavy drinker - it can kill you. I DID go cold turkey, and it was terrifying. I was hallucinating, didn't sleep for 4 days, my blood pressure and heart rate were through the roof and I was literally pouring with sweat - my clothes and bedsheets were soaking wet. I was lucky I didn't have a seizure. Up to that point, I'd been drinking at least half a bottle of vodka per day, and in the week prior to quitting I'd drunk a litre of vodka per day, so SERIOUSLY dangerous amounts. I was an idiot to just stop the way I did.

He may not get withdrawals as severely as I did, but the safest way to stop is to either taper the amount of alcohol he drinks, by gradually reducing it over a set period of time, or by going to the GP and getting a medically controlled detox using benzodiazepines. This can be done at home. But, of course, he has to admit he needs it first.

[overduemamma]

Thank you for all your replies Benidorm. I have spoke to him again this morning. Told him my plans. He says he's having some this weekend and then that's it till next weekend. We'll see, he certainly won't be getting any money off me. We spoke calmly, told him it's making me miserable etc, luckily kids are too young so don't realise what's going on. Explains if things don't change/doesn't get any help that we'll be splitting up and he'll miss out on kids etc. Thanks for listening to me x

[Wolfiefan]

Let's hope he sticks to it OP. Shall keep my fingers crossed. Be clear about your limits though. What IS ok and what won't you accept? Don't allow it to slide back.

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Good for you overdue, I'm so pleased you've had the talk with him - you've made your feelings clear, the rest is on him now.

Always happy to help Do feel free to PM me if you ever need a chat x

[overduemamma]

Thank you. I will do but how do I do that lol. I'm kinda new to all this x

[Wolfiefan]

Click on the three dots at the end of the post of the person you want to PM. It comes up with different options. One is PM.

[overduemamma]

Partner only has 4 cans left and is currently sulking that he can't get anymore! I have no money so he will have to sit and sulk! He just can't do it! X

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Tough luck then! Stand your ground - if he wants booze that bloody badly, A) it shows he has a problem, and B) he can sodding well find the money to buy it himself!

[overduemamma]

Exactly. I said this just shows u got a problem. He said I like to drink and I don't want to stop. I'm only doing his for you!

[overduemamma]

*this not his!

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Have you checked your/his benefits entitlement on the Entitled To website yet, by the way? I'm almost certain he's feeding you a line about not being able to claim JSA, as then he'd have to get off his arse and go to jobseekers' interviews, sign on etc.

[Wolfiefan]

He won't be able to stop for you though. He needs to do it for himself or leave.

[overduemamma]

Yeah I did and it doesn't say about any entitlement to JSA so not sure if I've filled it in right. I'm just going to apply for it for him and go from there. Yes very true he should want to do it for himself. He's got a right sulk on x

[blueskyinmarch]

It doesn't sound very promising that he hasn't even finished the cans he has and is already sulking about not being able to get more. It will be interesting to see how he copes once they have gone.

[overduemamma]

I'm trying not to let his sulking get to me but it is!

[Neverknowing]

It a lot of effort to be on JSA, you have to prove you're searching for a job 40 hours a week and fill in forms on the website AND go for meetings once a week (I think). Sounds like he's just being lazy tbh op ofc he's entitled to JSA.
He's not looking after your children is he? He's not a SAHP I bet you're doing all the cleaning and looking after your child.
I think you should give him an ultimatum he needs to get a job or leave. My friends partner used to drink quite a bit but once he got a job he shaped up and stopped drinking, he now only drinks at weekends.
It sounds like he's a bit of a dick though tbh op. He clearly doesn't care about you or your children if he isn't even trying

[Neverknowing]

This is so shit for you op.
Another thing to mention is that children go after what they've seen in childhood. I doubt you want to normalise this for them. Honestly I think he needs to leave, I doubt you trust him alone with your children either. He's a danger to you and your children too, imagine he picks up the baby drunk? Or falls over one of them kids, I dread to think what the worst thing that could happen would be.

[Wolfiefan]

It's not about what he should want. If he honestly and truly doesn't want to stop drinking then he won't. He needs to leave.

[overduemamma]

I'm going to fill in the application form for JSA tonight and see what it comes back with. No absolutely not i do not want my children to follow in his footsteps! I think this is all going to boil down to him leaving. I'm going to put little ones to bed and go to bed myself. Can't sit and stare at that sulking face anymore! He isn't going to have an alcohol tomorrow so I wonder what he'll be like then x

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

I can tell you, he'll be bloody miserable company. He SO clearly doesn't want to stop drinking - he's behaving like a teenage boy who's been told off by his mum. It's not an attractive quality in a partner!

[overduemamma]

It certainly isn't. He seems to have chirped up now. Let's see what tomorrow
Brings!! X