Advice Please

[whatcanido54]

Hello,

I've been on here a while, but I've name changed for this.

We had our first child in 2021, and we've been thinking of a second.

I had 3 miscarriages before I had my my son, and I'm just not sure I can go through TTC, early pregnancy, the whole pregnancy and birth again, but I do want a second child.

We've been thinking of adopting our second (we thought about adoring our first, too). I know it's not an easy option, I know an adoptive child potentially comes with trauma and other other issues, but I just wondered if anyone could offer some advice?

Bump?

My advice is joining Adoption UK which is a really awesome world of info with really helpful webinars and really supportive prospective adopters zoom meet ups.id also recommend some great online resources such as mamma Molly adopt and the a and f podcast,and books such as Sally Donovans no matter what,there's loads of great books to read.

Adoptees will come with trauma. Adoption really shouldn't be viewed as a convenient alternative to IVF.

@BastardChild I am well aware of this, thank you. Literally said that in my post.

@tonyhawks23 thank you for all your resources, very helpful.

It's not something we will be entering lightly, I know it needs lots of consideration and research, hence my post. We won't be looking to do it for a couple of years but in this time I want to be looking in all the right places.

It's also not a recent thought, as I say we seriously considered it before DS, he was actually conceived on our last try.

@BastardChild I'm also not sure on the relevance of IVF here.

Reading back on my post I can see why you're questioning my motives, but I was just trying to give some relevant background.

Adoption isn't an alternative to IVF or natural conception for us, the alternative is probably not to have another at all.

I'm mainly looking for advice/resources/experiences that are similar to mine, and especially experiences and advice for adopting if you already have a BC

We have both a birth and adopted child. Feel free to pm me if you’ve got questions

We adopted after 2 biological children, plenty of people do so im sorry to see your getting negativity on the thread. We also didn't consider IVF or TTC for our third, we were in the right place to adopt after many years of knowing we would want to.

Only thing to say from reading your post is that all children adopted will come with trauma. There is a lot of trauma and it is hard parenting a child with trauma, but you'l learn all about it as you look into adoption, and Adoption UK is an awesome and welcoming place to start. They've a webinar on adopting with birth children for example.
For me, I've found that having children already made things alot easier for me than if our third had been our first, if you see what I mean. All parenting is hard and having that experience already has been completely helpful.

I have a birth child and an adopted daughter. The advice above about learning to parent a child with trauma is spot on. You will need to treat them differently and it can be very challenging. Most agencies will also want the older child to be 4/ 5 at least, so you’d have to wait a little while, but that would give you time to consider everything. We were also very clear that we needed to wait for the right child as we needed a child who could fit in a little bit (as far as that’s realistic anyway) rather than a child we could just focus on 100%. Good luck.

Hi OP. I only have an adopted child, so can't comment from experience about adopting when you have a birth child. Though I know most agencies will want a minimum of 2 years between them, sometimes more. However the process can take a little while, so you could start researching now (as you are doing) and contacting adoption agencies. You've had some good advice above, so I won't repeat that. But in addition it could be worth reading a couple of books by Sarah Naish - I recommend Therapeutic Parenting in a Nutshell and the A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting. As you acknowledge, and has been said above, adopted children have all experienced trauma, in being removed from birth mother, and usually more than that, so Therapeutic parenting is important for that reason. Sally Donovan's book, mentioned above, covers aspects of that as well.

Like @tonyhawks23 said I am sorry you've had negativity on this thread. I don't see anything wrong in your OP at all.

Or, a dose of reality, that might be worth considering outside of the Adoption U.K. bubble?

I'm not getting any sort of kick out of being blunt, but any child adopted would thank you for gaining a broader perspective. Adoption should never be a salve for fertility issues. You need to hear this.

A nice broad perspective is found in the A & F podcast I think, so well worth a listen OP. Not a fertility thing in OPs thread to be fair PP, but if adoption UK is too 'pro' adoption for some posters tastes , the A&F podcast is also a fab place for a broad perspective.
Basically OP, adoption is a changing world and not everyone is supportive of it which I think is why you have some negatively here.

Sadly though, some children need to be adopted out of birth family for safety and permanency, it is not a good thing, it is indeed filled with tragedy and loss but is the best we have in some cases. Please don't take it out on the people that think about providing that permanency, it is a far wider systemic problem in society that needs to change.

Check out special Guardianship it provides permanency and safeguards children in need

I don’t know anyone who adopted as a “salve” for infertility issues, though many including myself had fertility issues. The reality is most people don’t think about adoption unless/until they have difficulties in conceiving. Adoption is a perfectly valid way of creating/expanding a family but folk need to go into it with their eyes wide open, which the OP is trying to do.

@Glenlivet its not the prospective adopters decision to consider special guardianship -v- adoption, that decision will have been taken by social workers based on individual circumstances of the child, sometimes with a POA in place via court before the child is even placed.

Thank you so much for all your advice here.

Tbf I can see my OP is very naive, and I guess I am naive, but I'm trying to get as much information as I can to make sure we are making the right decision. The absolute worst thing we could do is go ahead if we're not suitable.

Our son is 18MO old, and we are not looking at adopting for another couple of years, so by that time, and the length of the process, our son probably would be around 5. @121Sarah121 I actually do have quite a lot of questions, particularly about introducing with your BC, I will pop you a PM when I've got my questions on paper, thank you so much.

@tonyhawks23 I am a little worried about how to deal with the trauma, I have to say. It's not because I don't accept it, of course I absolutely would, I just hope that we are equipt to deal with it. It sounds like you do get support and 'training' though?

Thank you for all the book suggestions. I already have 'no matter what' and I'm really interested in the therapeutic parenting ones, so I'll definitely be reading those. The webinars and podcasts sound great, thanks @tonyhawks23

Thank you for your advice and your support to those who are being helpful, I do understand it's a really sensitive topic, and as you say I want to go into it with my eyes wide open

@whatcanido54

No birth children so no advice to offer on that.
But we were all new to adoption once. You are doing exactly the right thing - reading, researching, asking questions.

No such thing as a silly question. Good luck

We got a huge amount of training and a huge amount of support, our whole team has been amazing. Our older kids got really good support and the whole team were really caring for them during transitions, absolutely amazing. All 3 absolutely adore each other, a lot of normal sibling squabbling but alot of normal and wonderful playing together too, they are lovely together. Our eldest didn't want to adopt at all, he was scared of a change but he adores her, ever since seeing a photo and it all becoming real, a sister not a change, he's amazing with her.
I think as you have a wee one already you know how hard children can be, imagine not knowing that child, them not knowing you, and you having no idea whether their behaviour/crying/moaning etc is due to adoption trauma/pain/normal developmental stuff like struggling to wait or wanting to go things for themselves/sensory stuff etc etc, its tough to know and its exhausting. Each childs trauma will present in different ways. But as you get to know them it becomes easier to tell and the top priority before anything is to do all you can to make them feel safe.
The adoption prep work teaches you it all and I found the adoption support of those doing the same thing really really helpful, as we all want the best for our children and others adopting are really helpful support, whereas often others with just biological children/our family etc dont get it. They teach you about parenting with Playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, which was how we parented anyway, so if you can read and read all you can early on and parent like this now, it will come easier for you when you do the training and in adopting.
I think good on you finding out about it well in advance, its a slow process but theres plenty to learn.

Honestly, think very carefully and believe when people tell you it’s much harder than parenting birth children. Really consider the impact on your birth DC.

So via that statement, you are acknowledging that any child adopted in would likely not be "treated equally" to birth children, their needs would likely be put above an adopted child?

This thread might give some food for thought: Adoption Trauma www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4546976-adoption-trauma

So via that statement, you are acknowledging that any child adopted in would likely not be "treated equally" to birth children

I guess in the same way as any child with additional needs isn’t treated “equally”, in that you parent every child according to their needs. I have two siblings who are adopted, even with them they aren’t treated equally in that they have vastly differing needs - what works for one would be absolutely the wrong thing for the other. They are equally loved, have the same boundaries but the way those boundaries are communicated and held looks different for each child, according to their need.

Exactly Jelllycats. Equally doesn’t mean the same.

What it actually means is that the adopted child’s needs are usually above birth children’s needs because of the trauma suffered. As a parent of both birth and adopted dc the guilt all round is crippling.

So have any of you actually looked at the link I posted before replying?

Yes I have read it @BastardChild