Don’t know if this will be useful, but sharing in relation to stories from people from different parts of the process adding to information around it. Im an adoptee and I know my parents found it tough. Don’t get me wrong, they were great parents who put huge amounts into parenting (though new trauma parenting techniques weren’t developed then), but I know they found it tricky bringing up children who often had very different issues to their peers. My adoptive sister from another family is currently going through an adult diagnosis for autism and possibly adhd, but also lacked a primary caregiver for several months as a baby. She also had hearing issues which we did not know about until post adoption. In her teenage years, she shut herself in her room and never came out except for school and the loo, even birthday presents were given by me by leaving them outside her door as she wouldn’t answer. Attachment has always been an issue for her, as her sibling and one who tried hard to know her, I barely know her and, as an adult, only see her when I visit my parents as she doesn’t travel. I have felt sad my relationship with my birth siblings was taken from me too - though obviously I understand why. My two full siblings have a strong relationship with each other, so I’ve felt sad before that I missed out on that.
As a teenager, I had an eating disorder and really struggled with the idea (child’s point of view) I wasn’t good enough to remain with my birth family. I’d never been told this, it was just the way my childhood brain processed it. It was the 90s and we’d both experienced some trauma, though our parents chose to give us up, it was complex and not an out of wedlock situation in the way older adoptions were. I simply couldn’t see the value in myself and went on to be sexually abused. That lack of value meant I didn’t see why I should feed myself, I forced myself to sleep on the floor because I didn’t think I deserved a bed. I was diagnosed with bipolar and sectioned several times in early adulthood at university and it was a complex diagnosis due to the trauma of experienced.
It’s not an awful story at all because now I’m happy and have a great relationship with my (adoptive) parents and have children I adore and a lovely life, but my sister still doesn’t go out really and doesn’t feel able to work. She lived at home until well into adulthood. However, no support was really available to her and schools etc never picked up on her issues or addressed them. Both of us are finding out that we’re ND, but I think this hasn’t been a negative for me, just an explanation. Also, I work full time in a great job that suits me and have a fab work team and generally enjoy life, though I still have a few foibles - it just took a long time to get here!
However, I would suggest you consider really carefully how it will affect your birth child. Every child is different and, if you adopt, no doubt your story and your child’s will be very different, but it has a high chance of some effects on your current child as others have said, because the adoptive child will have higher needs. My dh and I would love to adopt, but we’re going to be assessed when our birth children are a lot older. We’d rather wait for our youngest child to be into teens and feeling as stable as a teen can (if they’re not we’d delay), however, we’d also want to adopt older children, so that makes a difference. I’m not saying it wouldn’t work, but I just think come up with all sorts of situations at all ages and how you might manage those for your adoptive child and your birth child. Think about early issues, new child in home with younger emotional age who needs lots of input to aid their development because they missed out, but also consider older childhood and teenage years and the constancy of it all.
I’d also recommend the adoption and fostering podcast by Al Coates, lots of stories on there and discussion around issues in adoption. Also agree with pp suggesting Sally Donovan’s No Matter What. There’s also And Then There We’re Four by Emma Sutton. A blog that might be helpful is lifewithkatie.co.uk about adopting two children (Pip and Katie).
@BastardChild im so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, that’s very difficult.