Adoption Trauma

[BastardChild]

I’m really struggling here. I can’t keep denying the impact of being ripped away at birth. I’m sorry. I’m all over the place at the moment.

Looking for support, trying to be an advocate for others that are part of this mess but without the voice. All of the Roe v Wade stuff and "supply line of children". The pain of others on Twitter, the fact that I can't get therapy and support in the U.K. as Ofsted is in control for adopted children and adults. The trauma is being passed on in my family. I'm frozen to the spot while dirt and chaos pile up around us. Pain, tight chest, nightmares, brain fog. Adoption is trauma. Children as commodity.

Ofsted are in control of counselling? Have you been to your GP?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds so painful.

Ofsted is maybe an error.

What sort of age are you OP? What is your relationship with your adoptive parents like?

To the people saying OP is wrong about the OFSTED thing, she’s not. Counsellors have to have undergone specialist training and be registered with OFSTED as an adoption support agency to give therapy for adoption issues.

OP, I am so sorry to hear of your trauma and how unsupported you have been left. The news and discussion around it sound really triggering for you. Please take care of you.

i am a birth parent and I know just how little support is out there. Once a child is adopted support almost completely ends despite the placing authority having a legal duty of care

have you had contact with your birth family? Do you know why you were removed? Have you accessed counselling?

there is an organisation called PAC-U.K. which may be able to help you to come to terms with everything you have experienced.

there's just nothing consistent available is there? We have to deny the impact. Be grateful.
"You were loved"
"Babies don't know any better"

Then you're just left to get on with it. Dirty secrets. One familys shame is supposed to ease the shame of another. We are just supposed to be grateful. I'm pushing fifty and it just hurts so much and everyone can't understand why I can't just be FUCKING GRATEFUL. I was never held, never breastfed, six weeks in an incubator then passed on to fosterers, then my identity wiped and kept on file. "So wanted" "so grateful" "so lucky"
Fuck all that, I've never felt safe, drank too much, drink too much, there's no therapy, no acknowledgement, no support, only what others want. I can't do this except for my own children. They weren't ripped away.

Have you ever had counselling OP?

@BastardChild Op, I was adopted and since giving birth I've had some dark thoughts about it's all. I don't have advice but I know how you feel.

Oh Love. I'm so sorry. Your pain emanates.

OP I desperately hope I don’t annoy you or upset you further but does it help in anyway that I can remember the ‘70’s, I can remember the judgement around unmarried mothers: how they were made to feel, how impossible it would have been to support a baby without extended family help. And in lots of cases there was little of that.

My mother made it crystal clear to me in the 80’s that if I got pregnant, I was on my own. She didn’t want the “shame”.

I’m not excusing anyone but I know that in the majority of cases the mother does not want to give her baby away.

The being grateful stuff is bullshit though.
x

Two one hour sessions in preparation before meeting my birth mother 20 years ago. Now if I try to access therapy any counsellor or therapist that isn't Ofsted approved has to cease immediately if they discover I'm an adoptee or be in breach of their professional standards. It's a fucking disgrace. We're just shit on the shoes of society, "must be grateful"

www.adoptionuk.org/where-can-adopted-adults-go-to-find-support

@BastardChild I’m sorry you are in so much pain. You don’t have to deny the impact adoption has had on you.
Adoption UK runs support groups for adoptees, the link below should help you to try and access support.
Ofsted are a regulatory body, they don’t fund or control access to therapy.

Thanks - I am totally aware of this. The transfer of children from the poor and vulnerable to the "worthy" Christian middle class was supposed to make it all better back then. My parents, lovely as they are have no fucking idea. Society has no fucking idea. Can you imagine what it does to
Mothers and babies to be torn apart as soon as they exit the womb? But we should be grateful "it was all for the best". We are abandoned at birth and then abandoned by the society that did it to us. Sorry for the language but I'm clearly on a spiral here.

OP, if you were premature - I am sorry I think your infant reflexes might not have gone dormant and, in particular, you might still have a strong moro reflex. The moro reflex is a child's fight or flight response and if this does not go dormant than the person as an adult feels constantly like they are not in a safe place and need to be ready to 'fight' or 'flee'. One way to tell this is if you turn off the lights and ask someone to gently shine a torch in your eyes. A regular human eye response to this is for the pupil to shrink - but if someone is constantly in a fight or flight mode they have adrenaline running through their body 24/7 and their pupil will stay large even in the bright light.
I know about this because because my son had this happen to him and we used a brushing technique through a therapist to get his moro reflex to go dormant and he became a much calmer child.
I am so sorry for your pain. I don't have an answer for your past - but I hope you have found some happiness in your children.

@Ted27 don't try and mansplain the fucking Ofsted thing, I'm really not in the mood. It's true. 100% correct.

Adoption U.K. didn't want to know adoptees 15-20 years ago when I reached out. They were in denial. But thanks anyway.

@Ted27 feat your eyes on this shitshow:

howtobeadopted.com/home/2021/what-is-it-with-ofsted-regulating-adult-adoptee-support-in-the-uk

I know; the arrogance of them thinking they were better or more worthy of a child.

You need to vent - keep on. I found the film Philomena as traumatic as watching Schindler’s List.

I did the adopters course for social services some years ago and on one of the evenings they had a birth mother come and speak to us. It was nearly twenty years ago and I remember her pain, what she looked like, everything. She’d been a 17 year old catholic when she got pregnant and she was told this was her only option. She didn’t have any more children. Fortunately her son contacted her when he was 18 and she had a good relationship with him, but she’d never got over the trauma of him being taken away at birth.

It’s inhumane. I’m so sorry.

The Adoption UK page explains about the Ofsted registration thing. I guess this severely limits the number of therapists. Then there is funding.

Any supportive Facebook groups? We have found these (private groups obviously) to be good source of peer support and just feeling other people have lived it. Also you can benefit from others experience of navigating the system.

Why are people trying to tell OP she’s wrong about the Ofsted situation - as an adoptee telling you about her experiences of trying to access therapy I think she knows the situation. Any therapist who wants to work with adoption issues needs to work for or be registered as an adoption support agency with Ofsted.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, I’ve been in a similar place over the years, particularly after having my own children. You can search online for a therapist who has the Barnados Link training but they are few and far between depending where you live unfortunately. I recommend joining adopteetwitter - it’s a powerful place where you’ll find many others who know what you’re going through.

How old are your children OP? Do you have a partner currently?

Sorry to those I ranted at. It's exhausting, I'm
Exhausted, I'm
Clearly being triggered by all
Kinds of things at the moment. Sorry. We have no control over this. I've realised that I've only rarely ever felt truly safe, and even then I'm not so sure. 'On edge' is a default setting for me I think, just that I've become so used to masking it all so as to appear "grateful". It's a fucking shit, fucking life sentence imposed on us by patriarchal "Christian" values. Mind you, if you can't conceive, ivf doesn't work for you and surrogacy is too expensive... "have you thought about adoption?" Better fourth choice than nobodies I suppose.

I hear you. I looked at counselling. Nearest provider is 3hrs away. She charges £80-100 an hour. I approached my council to see if they would fund and therapy and they said only immediately post- placement.

It's just a double kick in the teeth.

Two under ten. I have a very supportive partner, they're an absolute saint.

@JessicaBrassica I know. What a mess. Councils only (barely) care about supporting adoptive parents. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. I have considered legal action.

It is really frustrating everyone telling you that you are wrong when you are quite right.

AdoptionUK aren’t where I’d look either, they have a dog in the race, don’t they?

I think Ted might be a woman, though.