Strangers telling off your kid/s?!

[fyimate]

I'm seriously losing my patience with the amount of people who have tutted or told off my DD when we're out and about.
I promise you my DD (who is 4) is not boisterous or loud or out of control, she is a very sweet, dances about whilst I'm in the shop and plays little games as I buy the groceries.
But today I was pretty angry at an old woman who walked past, my DD tapped a paper sign dangling down in Tescos and the old woman tutted very obviously at my DD and gave her "the look" of dissapointment. My DD froze at this and looked quite stunned. She didnt even know what she'd done!
Now tell me, WWYD in this situation, because it seems strangers take it upon themselves to tell MY DD off even when I'm just out of earshot, when she's simply skipping and playing! Or they think, if I'm in a queue and DD asks for something and I say no, that it's ok to turn to my DD and override me and say "Of course it's ok!"
I really think I will lose my temper if this happens again.

Is it at all possible that your DD is a bit less disciplined than most kids? Or maybe you are not as quick to tell her off when necessary?

I have never heard strangers tutting or telling off my DC. Not saying is in a smug way at all, but just to say that there must be something out of the ordinary in your situation if you are getting this so frequently.

I get this sometimes - I mostly just laugh at them, as ds takes his cues from me as to whether he should get upset about things or not, and if I laugh it off he doesn't.

Are you sure your DD is as sweet as you think?

I didn't tell off a child today, but I did tell his Mum that he had put the drink in his mouth, another customer told the Mum that he was opening all the drinks.

She didn't look happy at all, and probably though her DS was a sweet, but spirited child.
No, he was not, he was badly behaved and she was ignoring it.

As Cote says, no one has tutted or told off my DD either, that's not to say she's perfect, but I am on it as I can't bare badly behaved kids in public.
Besides, mines a sulker so her bad behaviour tends not to bother others!

I can't comment on what has happened with your DD but if my DS misbehaves in public then yes, I would be happy for him to be told off (in a reasonable way - not beaten of course) - it may be old fashioned but I think 'it takes a village' to raise a child and children need to know if their behaviour is unacceptable - and not just because mum or dad says so. I have told children off in public before - ie: for swearing.

The nicest thing happened the other day - my DS (who is very 'lively') - pushed past an elderly couple - I apologised and asked DS to say sorry - the old gentleman grinned and said, 'don't worry, we were all young once' -I thought that was a very nice thing to say.

No, if she bumped into someone then I can understand a tut but she is well behaved.
I just dont know what it is about them that they feel they can tell off someone else's child.

I tell my DD there and then she did nothing wrong and to ignore them.
Thing is I hesitate before reacting because if I lose my temper I usually go "to far" and shouting at a pensioner wont look good on me...even if it is tempting

The only time this happened was when my eldest pushed past someone on his bike. And he was told off - a bit too fiercely for my liking but he did deserve it. Apart from that a car driver once got our of her car and told DS#2 off for running across the road in the car park - but she asked me if I wanted her to do so first.

Certainly not been subjected to a hail of tuts and dirty looks when they are out.

I can see it from both sides,

i will never forgive the woman in the library who was very scathing of me nicely telling her little boy to "please not kick, as its not nice" as he was kicking my 1yr old ds as i could just grab him out the way fast enough

but i do regularly get some tutting in post office queue which i shrug off and just try to avoid ever taking dcs there as they have had the 'please bear with us we are exceptionally short staffed' sign up for a year now

She does none of those things. she did once bump into a man by accident and he gave her the foulest look but I told my DD to mind out and walked on. But she keeps herself to herself, plays little games as I shop, doesnt swear or touch anything because I have taught her not to touch things I am not going to buy.
I'm amazed people still think it's me being diluded over my childs behaviour.
She really isnt naughty. If she was I would understand her being told off.

Honestly, dancing about in shops is something I'd put a stop to.
Not because it's bad behaviour as such, but shops can be busy, small children can easily be bumped or get in the way.
Perhaps she'd got in the way and was almost bumped and that's the reason for the tuts?

If you think you might lose your temper and go too far if you react, I'd suggest you need to do something about your temper.

I would be happy for my dc's to be told off by a stranger.. Shows them what general society will and will not tollerate.
I say this even though ds2 has asd .. He needs to know.
I am also happy for strangers to praise my dc's .. It's a two way thing.
That said I haven't had anything said that I'm aware of that I would consider a tell off in 15 years of being a parent.

When I said she dances, it's only when there is enough space, ie, near the exit, as I repack the shopping and leave.

Well excuse me for being defensive over complete strangers telling off my child for no reason. Maybe I just shop at the wrong times, ie, when everyone is in a foul mood.

I've seen badly behaved children but I would never tell them off, I would look to the parent first. I really wouldnt fancy an angry mother telling me where to go for telling her child off.

I only tell kids off if I've seen them do something dangerous and there's no other parents around.
Otherwise I let the parents do what telling off and molding of their own children as the want. I do give disapproving looks now and again and I admit with the neighbor kids I tend to speak up (but gently) when I see something they've done is wrong and no one is about.

I also prompt please and thank you (out of habit tho more than anything) Part of this is because I come from a big family and I'm so used to having younger kids running around and keeping half an eye on them and helping them learn manners etc. that I don't realise I'm doing things half the time.

I have tried hard to tone it down though when in public as most parents as you've mentioned (OP) don't like the interference.

I am quite suprised by the responses here. I would totally understand them if my DD was boisterous and naughty and after me telling her to not do x,y and z a stranger intervines but the fact that she really doesnt merit strangers angry tuts and general bad moodiness is what has got me so bothered by it all.
I guess next time it happens I will ask them WHY they felt they needed to act the way the did. Maybe then I will find out..

I'm just wondering if what you consider a tell off might be different to others who have posted on here.

In my eyes the odd tutt or funny look is a bit different from actually telling a child off.

Hope that made sense

Did you apologise to the man your dd bumped into? Or ask her to?

kids dancing in exits of shops is bad behaviour

you really don't get that?

odd

I agree with others - I have four from pre-school to teenage and they rarely got looks / teeling offs but when they did I thought it society levellers and was grateful for societal reinforcement of behaviour rules

It takes courage to tell someone else's kid off and most people would only do it if they HAD to.
Parents should not be annoyed at the adults who do the telling off, they should find out what prompted a stranger to tell them off in the first place.
And if the child did do something wrong then the parent should tell the child off as well and thank the adult for bringing it to their attention.
But these days, too many people think they are always right and everyone else is wrong

Yes, yes, everyone else is in a foul mood when you shop with your perfect DD

Do you have any tips, because mine isn't perfect, but I'd welcome some strangers intervening as she doesn't stop sulking for me.

If a lot off people are telling off your DD then maybe what you think of as good behaviour needs to be addressed?

FWIW dancing in shops is a no no for my DCs.

I would definitely moderate any telling off that I felt was wrong by a stranger by saying something like, 'remember that not all people like the same things or allow the same things...'
I can understand why you're upset if you get this often, but likewise it seems very strange to me that it happens. Are you in a small town? A stuffy city? or perhaps you're right it is the time of day??
I know I've got comments when I've only just been out of hearing about say bringing the big double pushchair into the store during busy sunday afternoons and other such nonsense. I'd say just moderate things that people say to your dd if you disagree. Say it's ok to touch it, just be gentle when you look at it. Or you can keep dancing and skipping and watch for other people like always.

How strange.

I've never had a stranger say anything negative to my children or been tutted at, or been given dirty looks, or had anyone roll their eyes at them

A tut doesn't equal a telling off either BTW!

What do you mean by your DD tapped a paper sign dangling down?

Perhaps it was me once. I have been a bit pissed off with kids dancing in the aisles in Supermarkets before now.

WHY?

Because I am pretty damn sure if I accidently hurt the dancing child with my trolley the parents would probably blame me and actually I dont really want to hurt any child - dancing,running or whatever! I hate kids running up and down supermarket aisles. Not because I deem it naughty as such but it is dangerous. Some weeks my trolley weighs a bloody ton and not easy to stop suddenly.

I have been known to say to a child "Excuse me please, this is shop not a playground" or " you need to stop running around or you may get hurt by a trolley".

I dont say it nastily but matter of factly.

And I say this as a mum of 2 children who despise the supermarket and have been known to make me raise my voice at them more than once in my local Sainsburys!!

She only ever bumped into a man once.
The dancng she rarely does because I dont like strangers looking at her dancing, yes I'm overprotective like that.
I never said she was perfect, she once ran off and an old lady told her (when she came back) she should never do that - seeing I was quite embarrassed and worried - and I was glad the woman said it.
But when my DD is walking along the shelve beside me and taps a piece of dangling paper and gets a tut AND an angry look from a stranger I think I am well within my right to be angry?!

I would be annoyed about the strangers telling your DD she can have things that you've said no to.

But if you're "out of earshot" and she's messing around (which I wouldn't mind a bit btw) I can understand someone, especially an older person, seeing a very small girl on her own being loud and getting in the way and giving in to a tut or two. It's not like they're giving her a clip round the ear is it? If she's doing it by the exit to the shop chances are they're carrying bags and just want to get out of there, they're probably irritable and DD just being a normal kid is enough.

As other posters have said, it isn't a bad thing for her to realise that not everyone thinks her behaviour is as charming as her mum does, and that sometimes she has to vary her behaviour depending on the circumstances.

Tehre is a difference between "telling off" and people tutting and muttering under their breath.

My DC can be very badly behaved-- in shops, but I've never even had tutting, TBH. I've been offered sympathy by people on more than one occasion, though.

The only time they have ever been told off was in church, when it was very crowded and as we hadn't arrived early, DCs were in a pew on the other side of the aisle to me. They were a bit fidgety and an old man next to the said very sternly "stand still!" It annoyed me because he addressed DS2, when it had actually been DD who was only 3 who wasn't standing still, and compared to other children they were actually being quite angelic.

But as DH pointed out, that is how children were spoken to a couple a few decades ago, and they had probably just stamped on his bunion.