Strangers telling off your kid/s?!

[fyimate]

I'm seriously losing my patience with the amount of people who have tutted or told off my DD when we're out and about.
I promise you my DD (who is 4) is not boisterous or loud or out of control, she is a very sweet, dances about whilst I'm in the shop and plays little games as I buy the groceries.
But today I was pretty angry at an old woman who walked past, my DD tapped a paper sign dangling down in Tescos and the old woman tutted very obviously at my DD and gave her "the look" of dissapointment. My DD froze at this and looked quite stunned. She didnt even know what she'd done!
Now tell me, WWYD in this situation, because it seems strangers take it upon themselves to tell MY DD off even when I'm just out of earshot, when she's simply skipping and playing! Or they think, if I'm in a queue and DD asks for something and I say no, that it's ok to turn to my DD and override me and say "Of course it's ok!"
I really think I will lose my temper if this happens again.

everyone has it but nasty people, unfair situations, boyfriends (one day"), jealous girlfriends etc etc MILs , she is goingto encounter it all through her life not because she is somehow spectacularly irritating. She is just a 4 year old kid, of course she's fine. You need a solid suit of armour to be a mother. Hard at times.

I do tend to overreact to things sometimes and am too protective of her. I'll take it in and rethink how I handle these things in future, thanks

good luck with it. If you didn't feel protective you would be a strange mother. It is hard to get the right measure in your response to these things. I struggle at times and my dd is a lot older.

god but your description of the public dancing sounds really annoying - this is not something they're standing around watching, this is something they're trying to get around I'll warrant

"(even when dancing as this causes more spectators as she prances about like a ballerina" ROFL

see how I'm ignoring the paranoia - do you?

So did you apologise to the man? thats what i actually asked, i fully understood she only bumped into him once

"even when dancing as this causes more spectators as she prances about like a ballerina" - so not dancing a little bit on the spot but twirling and whirling around in the way and the 'spectators' are actually looking for her parent to tell her to stop and move out of the way.

'I'm seriously losing my patience with the amount of people who have tutted or told off my DD when we're out and about.'

They are obviously all wrong, and you are right.
Your daughter is a spirited little angel who doesn't allow her irrepressible spirit to be crushed by the limited mindsets and expectations of the mundane populace.

Is that the right answer?

IME people who describe their DC's in the manner in which you do, tend to be a little blinkered to their childs behaviour.

I have never had by DC told off by a stranger except on one or two ocassions where they were actually behaving badly and frankly I was delighted. Put the fear of god in them as opposed to me remonstrations which seem to simply wash over them!

I'm pretty much OK with other parents disciplining my children in public. I quite like it, as long as it is fair and firm, not rude or out of proportion. For example, at our local playground my DS can sometimes be a bit boisterous and occasionally all he needs is a 'hey there, young man, you watch out for the younger children/don't push/wait your turn' etc from a well meaning mum or dad (if I havent spotted his bad behaviour).

I even court it. Today in the supermarket DS was being really over excitable and silly and kept bumping into people because he wasn't looking where he was going. I told him to look out twice, and eventually saw an old man looking very grumpily in DS's direction and said 'Look, you see, DS! That gentleman is going to tell you off in a minute if you don't behave'. Worked a treat.

It takes a village to raise a child and all that...

I don't like sighing and tutting and sarky remarks aimed at young children, though. A few times, when DS was younger, he had some truly terrible supermarket tantrums and we got some really unhelpful (and even downright rude) 'input' from grumpy passersby which left my blood boiling.

It is important to remember that we all exist in the same world. Children have the right to have fun and to be kids. We are not living in the Victorian age, and a spot of dancing and twirling is not a crime. However, there are busy working people, fragile older people etc out there, too, and they also have the right to shop in peace without being floored by a junior ballerina .

• sorry I didn't read the whole post before I posted and I see you've very magnanimpously taken on board the comments so I apologise if mine were a littel harsh.

Your dd needs to learn that there are all sorts of people in the world in all sorts of different moods. Some of them feeling grumpy and not particularly fond of children. Or quite reasonably irritated by a bouncing child who is in the way or doing something wrong.

Of course your rules and tolerance level are the most important to her but when she's in public, everyone else is entitled to their view as well.

fyimate, sorry, posted when I'd only read two-thirds of the thread! Well done for taking it on the chin. Am sure your dd is lovely, btw. Just possibly not everyone's favourite person in the whole wide world every single day.

I was going to go into more detail about the "prancing" because in fairness she doesnt, due to me telling her not to, when I wrote that I was actually picturing a time we were outside which has nothing to do with this thread.
No I didnt apologise to the man, I was taken aback by his severe look tbh and told DD to watch where she was going then walked on.
But all this is irrelevant, I went on too much in my post, I really only meant this to be about what happened today. I thought it was unfair for DD to get such a response when she wasnt harming anyone or in anyones way, just walking along side the aisle infront of me.
If the woman had come up to me and said what she disapproved of then I would be better equipped to deal with it but because she just walked past tutted then gave a really dissaproving look to my DD to cause her to stop in her tracks I got angry.

It sounds like you've had some really good advice on here, OP. Any parent would get upset about a stranger "being mean" to their beloved DC, but if you let this annoyance get the better of you you risk becoming one of those parents who e.g. blame teachers for telling off their little darling, rather than taking the child to task for her behaviour. Of course sometimes she's right and the adult is grumpy or wrong, but often she will need to moderate her behaviour and take discipline from adults who aren't her parents. You know those kids who are naughty and get all "you can't tell me what to do!" - you don't want her to become one of those.

So why didn't you apologise to the man when your daughter danced into him?

Have serious concerns now
Was unaware of the 'bad men' supermarket lurkers

Dd tap dances in Sainsbury's all the time
No dirty looks so far

Must be more alert to dangers of tap dance fetishist bad men in future

I think as long as the child isn't getting in the way of others there is nothing wrong with her dancing. Children should be allowed to be children, they are unpredictable and sometimes chaotic, but that alone does not make them naughty. A child should not be tutted at just because they aren't walking perfectly straightly behind their mums in silence. When i'm on the bus with my ds we have a joke and a laugh and although i don't exactly get tuts i do sometimes get mardy looks just because my child is making some noise. If he was swearing or hitting others on the bus i would expect someone to have a word with me if i wasn't dealing with it, but i wouldn't be happy with someone else telling him off. It simply isn't their job.

There is a difference between a tut/a look and a telling off and I must be your idea of the worst person to meet FYI - I will tell children off if I see them doing something naughty or just prompt them to do the right thing ie at toddler group reminding children to take turns/not stand on chairs to share.

I don't understand why you didn't say sorry to the gentleman - maybe that is just me - as I do constantly say sorry when my boisterous 2 year old gets in anyones way and he is told to say sorry if he inconveniences others/bumps into them/is being silly. Not everyone wants a 2 year old prancing about in their way, having to dodge a 2 year old running about or shouting/singing loudly on the bus so he knows that he sits quietly etc.

I did get into a situation once at the park when 1 mothers precious darling stopped halfway up the steps to the slide and had 20 children behind her wanting to go up and refused to move - so I told her she needed to go up or down as she was in everyones way - my 2 year old then pipped up with she's being naughty isn't she - cue said child standing in same spot disputing that she was being naughty and her mother saying "no darling, you stand there if you like sweetie"

You don't shop in Waitrose do you because the blue brigade in there are so huffy n puffy? Nobody's perfect and life is far too short to stop a 4yr old dancing! She's so small at 4, she can't take up that much room! Maybe you are being over sensitive but there are far worse things you could be. Give all the meanies your best Paddington stare and move on!

Usually, most people tut or tell off other people's children when the parents fail to do it themselves.

Just because you do not see your daughter's behaviour as unacceptable, this does not mean that the other adults agree with you. I suspect the fact there is an "amount of people" (i.e. not a one off incident) suggests that there are numerous people who think your daughter should have been reprimanded, but that you failed to do so.

Personally, if my 3 1/2 year old daughter dances in shops and gets in people's way, or bumps into people in a shop, or pulls at paper, then I would tell her off for doing this. There is a principle there - children have to learn to be considerate about other people in their behaviour. So when I am packing the shopping, I ask my children to wait quietly at the end, and if they get up and dance / prance / anything, I ask them to wait quietly because at 3 1/2 they do not have the spatial awareness / consideration to stay out of the way of the other adults trying to do their shopping. Surely, this is basic etiquette?

However, if my daughters do something that I do not see, then I am happy for them to be told off by another adult. They need to learn that they cannot get away with things because my back is turned, and that they are accountable for their behaviour.

Thankfully, though this rarely happens.

I really wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I have twin boys who can sometimes be a bit loud when we shop and I get people being rude ALL THE TIME.

I know that dc can be annoying at times, but they're kids and that's what kids do, and when an adult is rude to a child, it says more about the adult then it does about the child, so don't worry.

If ds is doing something wrong/annoying/dangerous and I don't see then I'm absolutely up for anyone else telling him off.

Sometimes this will probably mean him getting a hard stare or sharp word for something I'd probably let go, but hey, it won't break him.

In practice this virtually never happens. My experience is that noone tells off other people's children any more (except me - and then only if I can't see a parent), probably because they're scared of being jumped on by an irate mother/father of a perfect child. Which is sad I think.

allbie

when my son was first diagnosed with ASD I used to take him to Waitrose. he would scream and behave appallingly but everyone was usually very nice. I never had any problems and the staff too were great.
I don't think that you can condemn a whole range of shops tbh. It sounds a bit chippy

A deeply unpleasant woman swore at me and slepped me when I was out with him when we were in Boots. I don't blame Boots for that

I went shopping with the two children on Monday. I was practically begging someone to tell DS off because he didnt seem to take my word for it that dinosaurs dont shop in supermarkets so could he please stop behaving like one.