Would it bother you if your DP was antisocial?

[enterenter]

I’m just musing really. It doesn’t really bother me, but a friend last night was going on about it.

My DP is very antisocial. He does actually have loads of friends but doesn’t go out very much. He does go away with his friends on stags dos, to the match, plays golf etc. So he’s by no means a hermit.

But he doesn’t want to ever come out with my friends. One of my friends often brings her DP to drinks with us, and he always asks where DP is and why he doesn’t want to come. DP just does not want to. I think a bit of it is anxiety over meeting new people. But I just don’t care.

Friend and her DP are yet again sending me messages asking when we can go for drinks. DP actually knows and likes my friends (they were colleagues), and would happily sit and have a drink with her if they bumped into each other at a pub. But he just doesn’t want to organise drinks with them, or anyone else, as a couple.

Is it really that weird? I know the majority of couples probably do socialise together, but I have another friend whose DH is similar to my DP and he never comes with her to parties, weddings etc. either.

Obviously not then 😂

I take it he is not very old if still going on stag dos. I haven't socialised with couples since my 20s. Stopped when we had kids but through choice. We just go out together now but I am 60s. It wouldn't bother me.

My DP is very introverted, I’m not overly worried about it he has a hobby which has him out the house with like minded people 1/2 days a week.

He’s not really one for big group socialising and prefers doing stuff in the day over the evening. It doesn’t bother me at all. Generally I do my own thing but he will make an effort if my family are visiting as they live several hours away.

DP and I always never socialise as a couple. She has her friends, I have mine.

We had DD very early in the relationship so it was always one of us went out while the other stayed in, so never really got into the habit of going out with our friends as a couple.

I think DP finds most of my friends a bit dull (which is fair, we're all massive geeks and she's really not). I like almost all of her friends, but to be honest I'd still rather a night at home by myself than a night out with her mates.

It works for us, but I can see it being annoying if you've got friends who always want to socialise as couples.

I think it is weird, yes, to not doing any socialising at all as a couple. I'd say I do 80% socialising my friends or work mates and 20% joint friends w DH. I think a mix is healthy and if he refused to socialise at all with me, yes, it'd annoy me.

Mine is and it does bother me

DH and I have been together 50 years and haven't socialised as a couple since our 20s.

Mine is very introverted and has a social anxiety. He pretends he doesn’t and tries to get involved but I sense his discomfort and it ruins my night too. Therefore usually prefer it when he stays home. My social life is very active and somewhat separate to my home life with him and that works for us.

So he’s not remotely unsociable — as he plays golf, goes to matches, goes on stage dos. He just doesn’t want to socialise with your fruends. That’s a different matter.

I think he’s perfectly fine and normal. Why can’t you have your friends and he can have his? I don’t want to socialise with my DH friends and wives/partners and vice vecer. I don’t want to spend time on small talk with people I’m not fussed about in my mid 40’s. If my DH was pressuring me to meet up for drinks with other couples I’d be pissed off. He wouldn’t pressure me. I think your friend bringing her DH along then messaging you asking where your DH is, is a more weird! Does he not have his own mates?

I wouldn’t say that makes him antisocial. He just wants some say over who he spends his time with.

I am not antisocial, but Dh always wants me to do couple things with his friends and honestly it can a bit bore me to tears. He is actually quite socially anxious and he likes to have me along so he feels less anxious. I feel like him mum chaperoning him on a night out. I just wish he’d go enjoy his friends (and family, he’s the same with family too) and leave me out of it. I don’t need to come along to everything.

My social needs are topped up with my own friendships. Sounds like his are too. Why can’t you tell your friend to leave her partner at home so you can actually spend time together?

It would bother me tbh. It's absolutely fine to have your own friends and socialise separately some of the time, but I also like to socialise as a couple sometimes and I'd be sad if he never wanted to.

Well, surely that depends on whether or not you like one another’s friends?

Mine is and yes it does bother me.

However, your partner doesn't sound anti-social from what you've written. He just doesn't want to go out with those people.

Has he given a reason as to why he doesn't want to?

Ok, but I'd also be sad if he didn't like my friends.

He’s just turned 40.

if it doesn't bother you it's a total non issue. However it does bother me. My DH makes no effort so I do all the heavy lifting socially. I have picked him up on it because I don't plan on spending my whole life and later retirement just hanging out with him. I think he would be fine if he only ever saw close family

So he's just anti social when it comes to your preferences by the sounds of it. There's a fine line between being joined at the hip and never, ever wanting to do stuff your partner wants to do. He obviously has no intention of compromising, which would piss me off.

He’s fine with people he’s known a long time. That said he’s known some of my friends a long time and still doesn’t want to socialise with them.

I think he’s got a couple of mates but I do find it weird. He wanted to come on our last holiday away when it was all women!

Yes — but that’s fine, surely? He’s allowed to not like people, or not to like them enough to want to socialise with them!

She often does but I know he asks her why he can’t come along, but then it’s all women and he wants my DP to come so there’s another man.

Not really, no. He just doesn’t want to.

Yeah it’s weird he wanted to go away on an all girls holiday with you’s!!

Maybe it’s your mates partners he’s not keen on?

He also never expects me to socialise with his friends or family though.