Would it bother you if your DP was antisocial?

[enterenter]

I’m just musing really. It doesn’t really bother me, but a friend last night was going on about it.

My DP is very antisocial. He does actually have loads of friends but doesn’t go out very much. He does go away with his friends on stags dos, to the match, plays golf etc. So he’s by no means a hermit.

But he doesn’t want to ever come out with my friends. One of my friends often brings her DP to drinks with us, and he always asks where DP is and why he doesn’t want to come. DP just does not want to. I think a bit of it is anxiety over meeting new people. But I just don’t care.

Friend and her DP are yet again sending me messages asking when we can go for drinks. DP actually knows and likes my friends (they were colleagues), and would happily sit and have a drink with her if they bumped into each other at a pub. But he just doesn’t want to organise drinks with them, or anyone else, as a couple.

Is it really that weird? I know the majority of couples probably do socialise together, but I have another friend whose DH is similar to my DP and he never comes with her to parties, weddings etc. either.

Yes, it’s fine with me.

He’s never met her partners. I don’t think they’d get on particularly well though.

But liking is subjective. DH isn’t keen on my best friend. It couldn’t bother me less.

Well, tell her your DH doesn’t want to spend a night out babysitting another man?

Do you mean he never expects you to socialise with them, or he never wants you to? There is a big difference.

Mine is way more anti social that yours OP and I don’t mind at all. I go out with my friends and he’s never want to come and fortunately none of my friends would bring their DH.

He comes along with family at times. He prefers his man cave.

My DH is very antisocial. He is incredibly anxious and also struggles with hearing so says it is no fun for him being part of a group. He has very few friends himself and those he has, I help to facilitate by being friends with their wives. He’d happily it just be us all the time.
However, he would never stop me seeing friends so while I’m sad for him that he can’t enjoy friendship, it’s up to him and I will still see people. I will also often invite close friends over and he’s much more at ease in his own home. He really is a lovely man, it’s a shame others don’t get to see it but it’s not fair to try to change him for me.

I think she’d like to see him too. She really likes him.

I think she’d like to see him too. She really likes him.

Well he’s never mentioned wanting me to. If he did want me to I probably would.

Do you ever go out just the two of you together? Like for a meal, to the pub or a gig or anything?

Hmph

Tricky really then, isnt it?
Perfectly entitled to just not want to I guess but could make an effort once in a while, couldn't he?

I had a similar situation, friend constantly asking and it just got to the point where I had to stop making excuses and had to just say he doesn't want to.

Luckily, she's a very good friend and didn't seem to take it too personally.
I do wonder what she must think of him privately though 👀

Your partner doesn't really sound that antisocial, but can understand it must feel a bit bad at least if he never wants to socialise as a couple.

My partner never really socialises these days, a neighbour friend will sometimes visit and he'll talk with him but he never seeks out company. Even when we went to his friend's birthday party he left early while I stayed with the children. He wasn't like this when we met, used to socialise all the time but not any more and I've got used to it and just socialise by myself. The only time it bothers me is when it comes to visiting my family, he'd come if I asked him to but I know he'd feel uncomfortable quite quickly so I don't ask him, which means he doesn't come on holiday with me and the kids because our holidays are spent with my parents (not all of them but all our big holidays, he just does the occasional weekend away with us)

We go on holiday together and go to pubs when we’re there, but if we’re at home he’d never want to go out. We do have enjoyable nights in though - we play chess, darts, quizzes etc, we don’t just watch the telly.

She loves him, they’ve always got on really well.

Thanks. I suppose it’s maybe more social anxiety than being antisocial.

i mean that's riasinf red flags on controlling surely?

DH and I got together in my late 20s /his mid 30s. we've never worked together so have no natural shared friends. when child free we socialised with one of his friends as a couple but now we either take our kids (they're child free) or DH hangs out with them both without me. He would come to a wedding etc with me, but would never invite himself along to a girls night or me seeing my mates. we don't socialise as couples as we have kids

I don’t think he’s controlling but I do think he’s very needy.

I don't think he sounds antisocial - he's quite happy to go out with his own friends, he just can't be bothered socialising with yours!

He doesn’t like going out with people he doesn’t know though. But maybe antisocial is the wrong word. He’d definitely say he was antisocial.

I think it depends on which events are avoided. Not going to a wedding when both of you are invited, or a birthday celebration, unreasonable I think. Avoiding a work do where husbands/wives/partners can come along, I'd be sympathetic to.

He was invited to a recent wedding but didn’t come. I didn’t care because he wouldn’t have known anyone and I’d have had to spend the day making sure he had company rather than just enjoying myself.

What?

I wouldn't really call him anti-scial if he goes out like you say.
Personally, I wouldn't want a partner who didn't enjoy going out with friends and family, and I'd worry it could be a problem if you have kids, and he's negative about people coming round/days out/trips out. I wouldn't want him muttering about going to Aunty's A's 60th, or sulking at everyone coming round for Christmas.
But if it's just early stages, and he's willing to mix up going out with his and your groups in the near future, I'd be ok at the moment. And obviously if my partner had a reason for pulling back, like illness or whatever, that's ok.

It’s not early stages, we’re years in. No kids.