Pissed off ex h wife

[Ineedabeerorseven]

And I really didn’t mean to!

Me and ex h split/divorced 17 years ago now.

We’ve always been on good terms, we have one ds who is now 24.

Backstory - Both remarried, ex h and his wife live a few hours away and her family is in this area so they will come here during Christmas/easter/summer for lunch with us all and to see ds. They send my younger children birthday and Christmas cards and presents. There are no issues.

I’ve recently sorted the thousands of photos I had mainly from when we were together, pre iPhones and digital storage. There are so many lovely ones of ex h and ds when he was little.

So the last time ex h was in the area to visit ds, I gave him a box of them. They are all of him and ds over ds childhood. He was chuffed to bits to have them. I mentioned that there would be some more as I still had some albums to sort out and he said that’s fantastic, thanks so much.

Wildly inappropriate according to his wife.

She sent me a text asking me not to pass on anymore photos as she found them intrusive.

I apologised if she found them intrusive and said that ex h had been pleased to have them, but that if he didn’t want anymore, get him to let me know and I can keep them here for ds.

My dh did ask if there were photos of me in there that could have upset her. Nope, I just gave him the ones of him and ds. I am not in any of them.

I really don’t know where this has come from. I don’t want to push it, I replied to her text the best way I thought and it’s up to ex h if he would like any others. I’ve not said anything to him.

It just seems so odd as we have always got on!

(And before anyone says ds is 24, why any contact, life is short. Ds has been through a few things where he needed both of our support and we both had to support each other as his parents through them. I always feel it’s best to grow up with divorced parents who can spend time together with no stress).

Sounds absolutely fine, and that's lovely that you've given him the photos. So does he know his wife is pissed off? I can't tell because you say you've not said anything to him about it, but then also say that he asked if there were photos of you that could have upset her?
I would message when the next lot are ready and say they are here if you want them, but if you don't/it's causing problems no worries you'll hang onto them.

Any children with her or is that the issue? You and he had something she hasnt

Sorry MY dh asked if there were any photos of me that might have upset her.

No, I’ve not contacted ex h about it, and won’t. It’s not my business.

I am just scratching my head, as we’ve always got on.

No, they don’t have children together, she has one of her own from a previous marriage, though she’s always been very clear that she didn’t want anymore children.

I imagine the good relationship over the years has been because she had control over it and was part of it, allowing visits she was there for while visiting her folks. You've now gone rogue and done something off your own bat she's not part of, so you're seeing the insecurity and possessiveness come to the fore.

Maybe she said she didn't. But the pics triggered something and you weren't in them

I'd reply 'I'll do what I want, thanks! Don't contact me, it's intrusive.'
But I have zero tolerance for fuckery and an adult instructing on what I'm not allowed to do.

I don’t think so. Me and ex h have often taken ds out together when he was younger - his wife encouraged it as she had a hard time with her DDs father. So it’s not that at all.

ex h flies out of the city we live in for work quite often so will come on his own, have a coffe and chat with me and dh before him and ds head off for dinner, I’ve joined them a few times. It’s been that way from the start.

Shes not always here with him.

See, I don’t want to cause any friction.

When I say we’ve been through a lot with Ds, we really have and she was a great support to me.

I just don’t know where this has come from! I did really want to ask her that, but I thought it was just best not too. Things can get weird over texts.

She doesn't get to gatekeeper what photos your husband brings into their home of his own child. She's being ridiculous. I wouldn't have apologised, I would have asked what was intrusive about them exactly. And then told her she really needed to talk to her husband about it if she was have such an overreaction.*

*Maybe I wouldn't have said 'overreation' - depends on how much I like her and whether she has form for being an idiot.

“Intrusive” is a weird word to use in this scenario. Into what can old photos intrude?!

She really doesn’t have form for anything! She’s always been really nice, she’s lovely to ds and my younger children and she gets on with my dh.

I found intrusive a really odd word too. We have visited them a couple of times over the years and ex h had a couple of photos in frames of him and ds when he was a toddler, my dd was commenting on how cute ds looked when he was little.

I just don’t get it. To switch from that to texting me in that tone is so bloody strange.

Gosh. That makes it even more strange then. I honestly can't imagine what you've done wrong here or why she has objected.

It sounds like you have an excellent relationship with both to date and I'm guessing you'd rather preserve that.

I think when you said "I apologised if she found them intrusive and said that ex h had been pleased to have them, but that if he didn’t want anymore, get him to let me know and I can keep them here for ds." That you did the right thing. That message sounds ok... Unless you feel she still wants another response... you've apologised so I would let it die down now and just be completely normal next time you see them.

She hasn't explained why its intrusive. Your Ds exists, photos exist, its only natural for your ex to want the photos.. it sounds like nose out of joint. But chances are it will be forgotten over time.

It’s very odd. Maybe they’re going through a bad patch or something.

I would try not to give it a second thought. At the end of the day you did nothing wrong, you returned photos of him and his child, you didn’t ask him to recreate the night she was made…odd.

That’s what dh said.

But it’s been niggling at me over the last few days, which is why I thought I’d ask if anyone could shed a new light on it.

But there’s nothing really, is there?

I suppose you could ask her. Send a message saying its been playing on your mind because you value your good relationship and wouldn't want to upset her. But you genuinely can't understand what it was about the photos that she feels crossed a boundary, and could she explain as you don't want to do anything else she finds intrusive.
Is there a possibility she hasn't actually seen them, that your ex just said it was a box of old photos and didn't show her? And maybe she imagines that you are in them?

She’s being insanely unreasonable. She cannot control the fact that he husband had a life before she met him. Shd sounds controlling and unhinged.

Possibly? But even then, that wouldn’t make sense to me as when she was doing a bedroom for ds in their new house years and years ago, she asked me for a photo of me and ds to put in the room for him to make it feel more like home for him.

So she had a photo of me in her house ffs (ds was there EOW when he was little).

But yeah I mean, that’s differnt to photos of us on holidays smiling with our arms round each other with ds - I didn’t put those in. I have kept some of them for ds though, I don’t want to erase his whole childhood, but I did think that it wasn’t a good idea to give those ones to ex h. Ds can look back on them from my collection of photos when we’re gone.

like I said, scratching my head!

Did you ask why she found photograghs of your Exh and his son to be intrusive ? I think the key issue here is how your exh feels about the photos.
Id ask you exh if he wants anymore photos of himself and your ds or does he agree with his DW that they are intrusive?

He was really chuffed to have them. I said to him a while back that I was going to sort them out ahead of our loft extention. He say it would be amazing to have them again after all these years (I was always the one taking/storing photos, so I just kept them when we split, we actually didn’t even think about it. He had a few but not the heaps I had).

He was really happy and was looking at them with ds while he was here.

No I didn’t ask her. I thought about it but thought it wasn’t best just to keep the peace with her, mainly as I found it so odd, and things don’t translate well over text sometimes.

Is it because you gave them to him, rather than her, so cutting her out?

This is her issue not yours. Ex dh was entitled to the photos and you did a lovely thing passing them on. She sounds quite jealous of ex and ds relationship? In your position I would like to know what she expected you to do differently.

Man, I don’t know. I just wanted to give them to him then as I didn’t want the expense of posting them, or the chance they would get lost in the post.

Ex was here last week as ds was leaving to work aboard for two years and he came down so we could all see him off together, so I probably won’t see them face to face, unless they pop in for a cup of tea when she visits her family for quite a while.

It's never nice to be reminded of the life your partner had with their ex. It can be quite cutting.
Batshit that she's reacting like this with photos that don't have you in them.
This is nothing to do with you OP. It's something else in their relationship. Don't give it another thought.